Hi Reddit, a bit of context: we have been going out for nearly 10 years now and I do truly love my girlfriend. Our sex life is healthy and we both have really open and enjoyable sex. I lost my virginity to her when we first met (I was 20) and she had already slept with approximately 9-10 guys (a first boyfriend and the rest casual sex from what I can make out). We first got together on a very casual basis and I used to ask a lot of questions regarding the previous guys she’s been with purely out of interest. Since growing close to her I do not want to hear it at all and we agreed to never talk about it again. I now very much regret asking as I feel I know too many details about the type of sex she had, where it was etc.
I am struggling to put the feeling into words or even to clarify it to myself so apologies if this does not make much sense. I lost my virginity fairly late due to a range of self-confidence issues and anxiety regarding the opposite sex. Now I am a lot more confident in myself and happy with who I am.
The issue of previous guys she has been with has occurred before, mainly if we bump into one of the guys I know she has slept with, my brain just can’t cope and I cannot seem to ‘get over’ the fact that she has slept with other people. Even the mention of a name can cause this. I can’t help but think I would cope with this better if I had a similar sexual past. I mean, I was not expecting her to wait all these years just for me and knew I would settle down with someone who had been with other people due to me being a virgin till quite late. But I cannot seem to fully accept the fact that she has been with people and I haven’t. Is this normal?
I had a phase about 5 years ago of talking to her about this and I feel I had gotten over this fact but recently she went away for work for 3 weeks and gave me time to think about things. I had just turned 30 and perhaps had a retrospective look back at my life and what I would have done differently. One of those things would definitely be to sleep around at university and perhaps explore that side to myself. For some reason these feelings I had about her sexual past came rushing back and I cannot seem too shake them off, seems to be back worse than ever. They feel like intrusive thoughts which come at me at random times during the working day.
Shall I talk to her about this or perhaps go to therapy? It seems I haven’t fully dealt with these issues even though we have been together for so long.
Tl:dr – girlfriend slept with people before me and I didn’t, having a hard time accepting this fact. Even after so long together.
11 comments
This was 10 years ago and you asked her about it. If you are still having problems with it now, you should seek counseling.
This can be a tricky landscape to navigate. Your feelings here are not uncommon, but you have to understand that few partners respond really well to “gee, I wish I’d slept around more before I met you, and now I don’t get the chance.” Because all they hear is “I want to have sex with other people.”
Then you have the whole jealousy/lack of confidence around her actually having a sexual past. That’s an insecurity, by the way, that poisons a lot of good relationships.
I think that a chat with a therapist may be the best thing for you. If you are carrying around this same baggage for years (you handled it five years ago, yet here you are again), you may want to speak to a professional to help you figure out how to deal and move forward.
These identical male retroactive jealousy stories are so tiresome. You need to learn that different sexual pasts doesn’t create a real power imbalance, and that you sleeping around more would not have made you any less insecure and jealous. You’re just not as ok with yourself as you claim you are. Therapy pls.
Therapy is what you need if it’s been 10 years and you can’t get over this.
There’s nothing wrong of you want to end your relationship because you feel like you haven’t experienced being with other woman, but that is totally irrespective of your GF. She’s done nothing wrong by having a past before she met you.
Therapy is a great idea.
Also, is your current sex life as fulfilling as it could be? If not, what would you change about it? Are you able to communicate that stuff to your partner?
But also…
I got married in my late 20s, to someone who did have a similar sexual history to me (both of us between 5-10 partners). 10 years later, guess what I was doing? Wishing I slept around more when I was younger.
For me, it was a combination of many things. My current sex life wasn’t great. My sexual confidence was much higher. I recognized a lot of situations in my distant past where I had opportunities for some great sex that I was too oblivious to see. My views of sex had also changed over time (mainly that it doesn’t have to go hand in hand with forever love / monogamy). The biggest for me was “if I knew then what I know now…” My 40 year old brain inside my high school / college body would have had a *lot* more sex. (Of course, back then, I was a different person, and that version of me simply wouldn’t have done what the current version of me would do).
But now I’m in my 40s and having the best sex of my life. That’s my solution.
So yes, go to therapy. But know that a version of you that had 9 partners before meeting your girlfriend would probably feel exactly the same right now (except you would have different reasons/excuses). And finally, make your current sex life as amazing as you know how to make it.
If you are fulfilled and enjoying the hell out of your life, then the only thing you need to feel about your past is appreciation, because that’s what got you to where you are right now.
There could be a universe in which you can have your cake and eat, too. Is she into women? Would she be open to threesomes? I don’t want to get your hopes up, it’s probably a long shot, and you might already know the answers no anyway.
Assuming that isn’t an option, is it more important to you to be with this woman or is it more important to you to freely explore your sexuality? Which do you believe would make you happier? The answer to those questions is how you choose your next direction. If you choose that you’d prefer to be with her, then when these feelings arise, remind yourself that you made the choice that you believe is bringing you the most happiness.
Don’t expect the feelings to just go away though. They will likely arise now and then and making the conscious choice to dwell on them will only exacerbate them.
Nothing she can do about it, what’s there to talk about ? Either you decide you want to try out more with other ladies or you don’t. Maybe you want to do all the things she did with the partners but I assume you already did.
It’s okay to be hung up about. Since you are different from your gf there. After all she is your only partner. But you shouldn’t try to make her feel bad about it. If you sometimes can’t shake it tho it would be great to get reassurance and support from her I guess. We all got our flaws, this might be one of yours, you and your gf might have to live with it or work through it
There’s nothing she can change about her past, so it’s up to you to change you’re present 🤷♀️
If you tell her, she will just fee guilty and helpless, because…well, see above, there’s nothing she can change about that.
Now that you are aware of this issue, it’s perfect time to start therapy.
Have you thought about asking her for an open relationship so that you can explore some of the things you feel you missed out on?
Work in this your self with therapy. Are you sure your gut is nit saying something has changed with her that is alarming you but making you think about this instead about she is acting or changing?
You say you lost your virginity fairly late at twenty. However, virginity is a social construct and twenty years old is not a weird age to have sex for the first time. Nor is 17 or 27 or 43 for that matter.
I think that when you feel about your virginity the way you do, it impacts how you view other peoples sex live also. Your insecurity about this is not your gf’s fault. And I get a somewhat misogynist vibe about what you say about it. She should not be judged for her own past. It’s not up to you or anyone else to have an opinion about it. It is what it is and it’s in the past now.
Now, if you feel like you missed out on sex and want another sexjourney in your live, you should discuss it with your gf. But be aware that she might not want to be with you anymore while you explore. So, yeah, maybe therapy to get a better understanding of your feelings isn’t a bad idea.