Hey,
Long story short, I suffer from borderline personality disorder and chronic depression, after years of suffering I finally managed to fight depression and I’m slowly getting my life back. But all this left many scars on my right arm and shoulder.
As i’m feeling better and better, I’ve started dating women.
Now that you have context, here is my problem :
I’ve had two dates recently, and both went well, after chatting for some time (still at the date), I’ve quickly explained what I’m going through and they both seemed to understand and to be OK with it. But after the dates, nothing. I’ve been completely ghosted (i.e leaving me on read).
So I’m not 100% sure that it’s because of my scars but I don’t see any other reason why.
So, yeah, any advices on dating with scars?
14 comments
I understand this fear you may have that you’ve been “ghosted” because of your scars. I’ve had similar experiences myself. The only advice I have for you is that your scars are a part of you. Maybe it’s not something you do anymore, maybe it’s just part of your past, but nothing good will come from being ashamed of it. It can be painful, but you must acknowledge that it’s something that happened to you, and, even if now you have a different perspective, at that time, that was how you were able to cope with whatever you were feeling. I’m not saying it should be glorified, I’m saying that, before anyone else can accept that, you must accept it yourself. Then, the people you will date can either understand that or not, and that’s on them. Ever since I adopted this perspective, I realized that the people that were scared away or that didn’t see who I was beyond my scars weren’t worth my time, my energy or my love. It’s always gonna be a little bit of a complicated conversation, but, if you’re looking for someone who will stay and who is worth your love and affection, it’s something that will (and should) come up, and, even if they haven’t been through similar things themselves, they will see you for who you are: so much more than your scars. Not sure if I was able to make my point in a clear way, but I hope I did and I hope I helped! Wish you the best, stay strong, keep fighting and don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re less because of the ways you found to cope with your illness and your pain when you didn’t know any better. Forgive and accept yourself first, and you’ll see that the people who choose to stay with you will do the same. Again, if they’re not able to, that’s not your responsibility. Keep moving forward and you’ll find people who will look at you like the complete person you are!
Maybe try not being completely open about it, til you’ve been on several dates. The first date, it’s a lot. It’s far from perfect but many people are not completely open books on a first date.
I’d just not mention it at 1st. Maybe if they want to turn it into a relationship in a few months 3-6 then yeah. Deep personal private life should be known eventually but also guarded. If you are on medication and going to therapy weekly Borderline can be managed and you can be highly functioning and very productive to the point it’s hardly noticeable. You also need someone very understanding of mental health who has experience with family and friends or studied it in college a little or works it as a career even. The average outsider won’t deal with you. I’m lightly dating a BPD girl who is likely undiagnosed online right now. She also thinks she is BPD. Also I know BPD don’t cut or stab people. Just themselves. For now wear long sleeves button collard shirts and long gym shirts. If you talk about BPD. Have them watch a BPD explanation video with you on YouTube 1st and then slowly show them little by little over time later at the 3rd or 6th month. I’ve known BPD people and they are good inside but have a lot of trauma and horrible coping skills or total lack their of. It will take a lot for someone to stay with you unless you can really handle it mentally. A guy can handle it being physically bigger and more strong unafraid if they cut. If a guy grabs a kitchen knife or scissors or any blade looking crying angry depressed yelling with blood….get ready for a call to Mr Popo and a chance at being shot dead with a scared female victim reporting to police for her safety.
If they ghost you after one date, then they self selected as not the best partner for you and didn’t waste anymore of your time. It’s against popular advice, but I think you are right to be upfront early on. When people critiques that is “too much” that’s just too much for them. There’s plenty of people that’s “too much” and need/attracts others that get that too. Your goal shouldn’t be no rejection, it should be to understand yourself well enough to identify and match with a partner that’s good for you and that you are good for too. The quicker incompatible partners rule themselves out the better, even if it sucks in the moment.
From personal experience, not seeking a relationship is an option. Making your life something important to you either professionally, or not, can help the loneliness and give you a sense of purpose. I know people aren’t going to like this answer. It is HARD answer to come to. If you are in therapy you know the limitations of what you can achieve through personal growth, and you know that many of the qualities of BPD doesn’t lend well to a stabile normal relationships.
“But everyone deserves love!” Sure, maybe, but not everyone deserves to help a BPD person with it. It takes two. Love people, care about people, be supportive and have as many people in your life that you can provide value to, but allow keeping some distance as an option.
The fact that you have BPD and have engaged in self harm is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. Probably most. I appreciate that you are honest about it though, and don’t try to withhold that information. Keep being honest, and eventually you’ll come across others who have mental health issues and can understand what you are going through.
I have three. THREE. Scars on my inner forearm from when I was 16 and horrible stuff happened to me. I self harmed once and this scars were made in a minute. There was a guy who really liked me and I liked him too. Ghosted me after he saw them. It’s fucked up. People can be shallow.
I still don’t understand BPD (I know someone who’s bipolar/been manic & I get schizophrenia to a degree.) Don’t talk about mental illness on the first date, dude. It sucks cuz if it’s going well & you take medication, you’ll have to tell them eventually & risk them leaving after having invested time. But that’s really the only way, & just hope they’re enough into you to accept it as a flaw — which they won’t be on a first date.
I’d suggest not talking about it on the first date. If the topic comes up then it’s fine to mention it but if not, there’s really no need to include that information on the first date. I also have BPD and a lot of very visible scars on my arms. I don’t go out of my way to cover the scars because if that’s something it will bother a person I don’t need them in the first place, but I don’t really discuss my mental health issues on the first date unless it comes up in a discussion. If they ask me about the scars I am completely honest but don’t really go into much detail (when/why/triggers etc) because it’s really personal and I need to trust a person to share that kind of information. Anyway, don’t hide and don’t lie about it when asked, there’s no shame in it. It can just be a hard topic for a first date that’s supposed to be fun. But if it is important to you to share that on the first date then keep doing it. You will meet someone that has no problem with it. Hope this helps.
Strangers don’t owe you the opportunity to prove that your BPD doesn’t ruin relationships. They were nice about it, as it should be, but to be honest, no one is going to voluntarily enter into a relationship that is going to involve that much drama. I’d run the other way because I like peace and quiet and I am not remotely interested in adopting your substantial mental health problems as my own.
And before anyone comes at me, just remember that NO is a complete sentence. No one HAS to date anyone.
My advice is to sit on that information a little longer. You are basically telling strangers about your BPD. I would bring it up once you start sleeping together (especially if sex triggers you) or when you discuss exclusivity. By telling them too early you are leading with your handicap. You need to start with your BEST foot forward. Not your worst. And you need to show them that you can be stable. Warning someone that you’re unstable upfront puts them on guard and sets the expectation that you’re gonna freak out regularly. Even if that’s true, consider masking for a bit.
So yes, honesty is good. But dumping your mental health issues in a potential partner’s lap would scare anyone off. Just wait til things are actually moving forward first.
I would *not* tell them you have bpd dude. There’s a massive stigma around it. I “have” bpd but have done 4 years of dbt therapy (if you aren’t in therapy at the moment please get in it- bpd is very bad for relationships and if you want to be a good partner you’ve gotta fix those flaws), and I am a fairly good relationship partner now. I’m a bit more sensitive than the average person but even that I’m working on, and I’m much better at communication. I do need to be with someone stable, but beyond that I no longer have typical bpd symptoms.
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So… I just don’t tell them I’m diagnosed with it. Instead I let them get to know the person I actually am, and make an assessment of who I am on their own. I’ll eventually tell them I was diagnosed w/it back in the day. But untreated bpd is very different from 4 years of intense therapy and working on fixing myself bpd and I want people to get to know me for the actual person I am.
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It’s unfortunate you have the scars because that forces you to tell them a bit more. But I would just focus on how you had depression but are now better. It’ll be a dealbreaker for some people but probably not all. Also, make sure you get treatment for the bpd. Untreated bpd can be very harmful in relationships. But, it is very much treatable :).
I’m just saying that Pete Davidson (diagnosed BPD) is dating Kim kardashian. I don’t think you should bring it up too early in dating? Also when you “explain what you’re going through”, are you emphasizing taking responsibility of your health and taking care of yourself? Everyone is a balance of strength and vulnerability. Don’t emphasize one without adding the other
So, why are you sabotaging relationships this way?
They don’t need to know this shit on the first few dates.
You only hurt yourself when you do this. Now you are creating scars on the inside.
Maybe you don’t have your life together in the way you believe.
I’m (29f) and I have borderline personality disorder (complex PTSD) I just recently left a relationship of 8 years and I’m trying to get back into dating and I’m experiencing the same issue.
I realized (learning) that I don’t have to explain anything to anyone, I don’t tell dates what I’ve been through unless they really get to know me first, because most people just don’t understand the disorder and the huge misunderstanding behind it with the stigmatism from the old DSM text books.
Let them really get to know you, you’re not hiding anything because it’s not a glooming compromise. It’s about trusting the person wholesomely with your life experiences as a friend, some people just can’t empathize or wrap their head around it, that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy at all, absolutely not, you’re just really experienced in life and we live in a society where people are afraid to live it consciously.
You’ll find someone, take your time, you are allowed to have safe boundaries while dating.