Husband constantly criticises me, never compliments, hates my eldest (his stepdaughter)…

Hi everyone, feeling very vulnerable writing this but I would really welcome advice on how best to proceed, or to hear from people who’ve experienced similar and come out the other side.

Me [F35] and my husband [M45] have been together 7 years, married 2.
I gave birth just over a month ago to my third child. We have two children together, and I have a teenager from a previous relationship.

He’s been critical for a few years now but things have really ramped up since I’ve been pregnant and even more so since the baby has come. It’s awful, he continuously criticises everything I do, everything I say. I’m trying to leave it wash over me as much as possible but some things seep in.

An example from yesterday, sadly one of the many: I spoke aloud about being upset that our newborn was put into a Pavlik harness for hip dysplasia and he scolded me for being negative as it’s something we’ve already experienced when our (almost) 3 year old was a newborn.

Some background for context:
My last two pregnancies were difficult: I had to get a cerclage in both which meant reduced activity, and I had hyperemesis in my last which resulted in frequent hospitalisations.
He also works a high earning job with a lot of responsibilities and suffers from chronic pain. It would be the norm in his field of work to be quite critical. He’s never been a happy-go-lucky type but neither have I.

He was regarded as a ladies man when we met (I was always drawn to those unfortunately) women liked him, were drawn to him.
About a year or so into our relationship I found out he was messaging a lot of different women, it was innocent enough from what I saw; he would compliment photos they’d post, message exes, strike up conversations with new women, converse a bit – that kind of stuff. It was not out in the open, he was doing so secretly. He deleted his social media accounts. He was repentant. Didn’t seem to check out women as often when out and about and so on. Obviously trust was rocked by this but it was overcome as time passed.

He used to compliment me a lot. But that was during a time when our relationship was very physical, before my second child was born. My second (our first) didn’t sleep for 2 years, was hugely reliant on nursing for comfort – it was difficult, draining, and the physical side of our relationship took a back seat, and has done since.
He gives me a peck on the cheek before going to work. I think the one time we had sex since #2 was born we conceived #3. Admittedly it is difficult as #2 still bed shares. He likes having her there as do I.
He’ll call me for chats during his long commute to work every day, we do have a lot in common. He’s not as chatty in person.

He honestly never tells me I look okay – anything – even remotely presentable. When asked why, he said it was because I didn’t accept the compliment, saying stuff like ‘no I don’t” or laughing it off. I last asked why over a year ago, he hasn’t said I looked nice in over a year, maybe years.

I’m almost 6 weeks postpartum, 5”8 and a little over 10 stone. My pre pregnancy weight would be 9 stone. I’m not the most attractive person in the world but I guess I’d be considered above average maybe, whatever that is. I make an effort most of the time…I had two c sections and with this latest one I’ve developed bad infections (internal and external) that resulted in multiple courses of antibiotics. I’m not feeling great in myself as my belly hasn’t retracted that much with all the above going on. I still look about 4 months pregnant.

I’m a stay at home mum. I’ve a MSc but have been working only part time since my second was born – I’ve really let my career slide. I’ve lost my identity in many ways. I feel like I’ve regressed. I was confident before I met him, smart, craved knowledge and experiences. All of that has gone. I love being with my children. But my husband views me as a housewife doing a subpar job – sometimes the laundry won’t be done and the toys not tidied away. Cerclage (bending restrictions) and sickness made that difficult too. I like a tidy house and try my best. He likes a tight ship. He gets really upset about things not being tidy.

A huge thing: he can’t handle parenting my eldest who is, I admit, a difficult teen at times.
He’s been around since she was 7 and has said many times he considers her his own but has back peddled on that recently – and has made it known. My eldest dislikes him, he dislikes my eldest. They’ve had multiple clashes and some have been nasty. He thinks I’m too quiet and that I need to discipline my eldest more. I try to but I don’t want to argue in front of the two little ones and my eldest can blow up a bit, so it’s hard to have a calm conversation and discuss things in the heat of the moment. My eldest has said she’s a problem controlling her temper, can’t help going straight to angry, and that she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. We’re waiting for counselling for her – which she wanted. I think my husband and the difficulties we’ve had over the years has affected her, and played a part in the way her moods are. I also recognise that she’s a teen and mood swings are normal, he doesn’t. My husband doesn’t seem to realise he’s dealing with a child and won’t even say hello when she enters the room now. I think that he’s wrong to treat her the way he does – while also acknowledging her behaviour is sometimes very bad – but I think his approach is damaging and will cause more harm than good, but he staunchly believes he’s right and feels no shame in saying he dislikes her to me. She’s 14 going on 15.

He does a lot of practical things for us. Pays the mortgage and many of the bills. He is a good father to the two youngest.
A counsellor once said to me would you prefer someone who professed his undying love often or someone who shows their love in practical ways – maybe that’s his love language.

I think he doesn’t love me, that that might be the problem, and he resents having to stay around because we have a mortgage and children.
He also seem depressed and has a lot going on but won’t speak to anyone about it. He just apportions blame to me for his foul humour. I’m not the best partner but I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve this.

Our disagreements and arguing is having an impact on our toddler, I can see it in her.

He rang me just now to give out about how much he has to do and why can’t I ask my parents to help fold away the laundry. It gets done just not at the speed he wants it. My elderly parents help me as best they can. I don’t really see my friends much anymore so I can’t turn to them.

To him I am the problem.

I welcome any words of advice or experience.