Hello all, M (38) here dating a F(37). We have been dating/talking for close to 10 months.
Things started out really slow, which I was fine with. She was fresh out maybe a couple months of an 8 year toxic relationship with one her kids dad. I was
Four months out of my 12 year marriage/baby momma situation after she left me in favor for another man(note: this was a long abusive relationship, she was a narc, but this included a ton of sex) I started out right away helping her financially as I do pretty well for myself. This has now led to me pretty much fully taking care of her at this point now, paying rent and other things that she/kids need.
I asked her about sex a lot in the beginning months, she always would say she hated that I asked about it and to just let it happen. So I would leave it alone. This would lead to me being resentful a lot because of all the things I was doing to satisfy her life and needs. I consistently communicated that this was a problem but stuck it out and continue to stick it out.
Sometime around may, I finally got pretty angry 7 months in and said either she was gonna do it or not, that she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to but I needed to move on if she was never going to fulfill me sexually. Couple days later she calls and tells me to come get it. Cool, I do that threshold is crossed. But then another month passes damn near to the day until I’m getting upset about it again and she calls again, same story 2nd time.
Fast forward to now almost another month later and more arguments about it. She told me again the other day when we finally had some time alone stop asking about it she doesn’t like it when I talk about it to let it happen. She also mentions how her ex used to say “ come suck this dick”, and abuse her and then demand sex. I’m wondering if this has caused sexual trauma for her and now she has a mental block when it comes to sex? She finished both times we were together and was definitely turned on. Talked to my therapist and he says one of the parts of her is protecting herself. It won’t let her access the sexual part of herself because she’s trying to protect herself. I guess that’s kind of what I heard when she talked about the ex thing.
I’m overall a decently attractive guy, 6 foot tall, funny, loving, respectful, caring, drive a nice car, feed into emotions. Plenty of women are attracted to me. I’ve asked her over and over if it’s a lack of attraction and I’ve told her that if it is, be honest and tell me, find another way of supporting yourself and let me go. I’ll give you time to figure it out before I cut you off. This is always met with claims of I love you, I want to be with you.
Do I just let this play out and not say a single word about sex for the next month and see what happens?
I know based on other posts that sexual incompatibility is a reason to end things and I will. I’d like to give her time and try and find a way to her sexual side if it really is trauma. Am I wrong for wanting sex or wanting the hell out if not? I’m beyond frustrated and really love and care about this person.
I will also mention we knew eachother since we were teens. Please help me!!
6 comments
She definitely had some trauma with her ex, and talking about sex to her is going to remind her of it. My ex had a super super high sex drive and I (30F) didn’t. He pushed and pushed and begged and said I would withhold sex to punish him and all this shit. We broke up and I met my current partner who has never, ever pushed me to have sex if I say no, he’s never guilt tripped me into having sex, he’s never treated me like a thing that just has to fuck him whenever he wants. I told him from the get go that he was the first and only guy that treated me this way and I just loved him for it.
When you did have sex, what led up to it? A fun night, a long day, talking/cuddling, etc.? Do you initiate sex and get rejected? Do you try to seduce her?
>I finally got pretty angry 7 months in and said either she was gonna do it or not
This doesn’t sound OK to me. I get you were sexually frustrated, but anger is never the answer.
IMO, you basically gave her the ultimatum, “put out or I’m leaving”. That is probably why she agreed to have sex the first time. Maybe she enjoyed it, idk, but she was obviously initially pressured (based on the limited information you’ve given).
If the lack of sex is going to cause resentment and pestering on your side, I would consider leaving the relationship before it gets worse. If you decide to stay, you can work on building a loving relationship, which, in turn, may help her to feel more comfortable with sex. But keep in mind that this might not happen, and no one is owed sex from anyone. It doesn’t matter if you are attractive or if you choose to support her financially.
I will also mirror another comment and say that always asking for sex or always bringing up a lack of sex is a big turn-off for women, even if they don’t have trauma.
Sorry bro, but you’re getting played. Time to move on and don’t look back
You are a problem. Please leave this woman. She has clearly been through some trauma and you are doing nothing but badgering her about sex. And not only that but you’ve put her in a financially dependent relationship. You immediately started paying for all her shit and she definitely is going to feel stuck now. If she was unhappy with you do you really think she’d say so *now*?
She’s not ready for this relationship or the sexual demands you are putting on her. She’s outright telling you she doesn’t like you asking or demanding and instead of helping her process why you get angry and yell at her. Sir, you may not realize this but you are being absolutely abusive. You should be guiding her to seek her own therapist to get over her past trauma. Yet you make her resistance all about *you*. You are not ready for this relationship. And frankly I’d worry about you with any woman. You need more therapy and to be honest with your therapist about your behavior so they can put you in check.
You come off conceited and selfish and demanding. Let this woman go before you keep her in another cycle of abuse after the already escaped one.
>This is always met with claims of I love you, I want to be with you.
You wrote a very long and detailed post, and only this one single sentence had anything to do with how you feel about her, or she feels about you. Maybe you didn’t explain your relationship well enough, and we aren’t in it with you so we don’t have the full picture.
However, to an outsider like me, what you described sounds like you have become a sugar daddy for a single mom trying to raise her kids alone. She isn’t really interested in sex with you, but enjoys the support you are providing (financial and otherwise). But, she fucked you because you threatened to withdraw all that support if you didn’t get it.
Does this woman even *want* a sexual relationship with you? Is it possible you got into this looking for one, while she had totally different expectations?
I think it’s going to be very difficult to get an honest answer out her, since you’ve already threatened to take away her rent money if she won’t fuck you.
>This is always met with claims of I love you, I want to be with you.
How? How does she want to be with you? What kind of relationship does she want? She can “love you” and “want to be with you”…but that might not mean “as romantic and intimate lovers”…which is the thing you want. Do you kiss passionately? Is there physical/sexual intimacy at all? What is her ideal relationship with you aftee the trauma of her past relationship is gone?
I hope I am wrong. But with only the information given to us, it sounds like you are both seeking different things from this relationship.
What does your therapist say about this relationship?
My man I’m sorry but I would not be supporting a woman’s rent and kids if I wasn’t getting anything in return that’s just me tho. This can’t end well I don’t think this will ever get better for you. I had a girlfriend that just never wanted to have sex and was always wanting to wait until she was ready or in the right headspace, well the sex never picked up over two years and we ended the relationship only having sex 5 times 💀