I’ve been with my fiancé for two years. I’m 21F and he’s 21M. We got engaged in June. I can’t imagine life without him, but recently, things have been rough….
At the end of May, I was driving down a country road in the middle of nowhere when, at a stop sign, this adorable small puppy ran up under the car. I was with my parents at the time, who bought her food and water, and later paid for her to be checked out at their vet (they already have three dogs and are definitely dog people). We got her healthy and comfortable (she’d been starving, severely dehydrated, and full of worms). My mom suggested that I keep her, since I live alone four hours away from my family and she thinks a companion would help keep me safe and mentally healthy.
So I took her up to my place, and I love her. Except, my fiancé absolutely hates her. He’s not outright saying it’s him or the dog, but he did say that he never wants to see her or hear her again. He stays with me on weekends, so that would understandably be difficult to achieve.
The reasons he hates her:
1. He thinks we are not ready for a dog. That is a valid point, though I disagree; she has been easy for me to handle and my parents are currently helping with the finances while I’m still in school. His main problem with this is that he wanted a very specific kind of dog (an Italian Greyhound) and now that I have her, he says that there’s no way to have a second dog until this one is gone. I think he’s exaggerating; once we’re not in an apartment and have a house with a yard, it will be much more feasible.
2. She tripped me while he was away. This is entirely my fault, because I should have known not to try and go for a run with a puppy who’s still too young and distractible as her. I had taken her out on a run because I’m trying to be more active, and she cut in front of me and slowed down. While trying not to step on her, I got tripped up, and slammed my head into the concrete. I got a pretty nasty cut and a concussion.
3. She peed on him. This just happened today. I was in the bathroom, and from what I understand, she was trying to tell him she needed to go out and pee – pacing around by the door, which I usually notice and get the hint. He didn’t, apparently, and she jumped up on the couch behind him and peed. He says this must have been intentional and knocked harshly on the bathroom door just as I was leaving, which scared me, and said in a harsh voice, “I want that dog gone!” He went in to shower and I found her cowering behind the couch.
I think he is just not used to dogs, and doesn’t understand that while I’m training her, she’s going to make mistakes. Still, this has turned into a big argument about how I never listen to him or take his advice – he told me not to keep her, he told me not to name her what I named her, and he told me to get rid of her after I tripped over her leash.
I can’t just dump her at a pound. I’m already very emotionally attached to her. My parents don’t want another dog, and either way, can’t keep her right now (my mom is going through cancer treatment and can’t handle an energetic puppy right now). Again, he hasn’t said “it’s me or the dog,” but he said that he would never be happy when she was around, so essentially, I do have to choose. I have no idea what to do.
Do I have to choose between then? Are there any alternatives? If I have to choose, who should I choose?
TLDR: I found a puppy in June, my fiancé hates her, and I feel I have to choose between them.
39 comments
The dog. Your fiances behavior doesn’t exactly scream “supportive partner”.
Always keep the dog, sis.
It seems like you’re learning some pretty critical information about how this guy deals with not getting his way, as well as a lot about his empathy levels. The puppy sounds like its little misbehaviours are totally normal, and he’s acting like it’s being malevolent. Are you ok with this as your life? Blaming you and going into rants?
I will start out by saying upfront, I am not a dog person, more of a cat person but I am a no pet person. Now having said that I was raised around animals, and I can tell you that the puppy and you have bonded. She is your dog now and it will break your heart to give her up. If your fiancé makes you give up the puppy, it will always come between you. Every argument you have will end with you made me give up my dog, every time he wants something you don’t need or want the “sure you get this, but I had to give up my dog.
You stated that your mom is going throw cancer treatments right now, krama put you and that puppy together for a reason (my wife has breast cancer), you will need someone in your life that will give you unconditional love during the hard days ahead, I am not feeling that with your fiancé. Keep the dog (you don’t have to choose between the dog and him, your fiancé has to choose between the love for you or his own selfishness).
My fiancé doesn’t like my dog. He is not his type of dog in the least bit. He has come to love and tolerate him because I love him. When we moved in together he wasn’t thrilled, but encouraged me to bring him along because it would be good for me. That’s what a supportive partner does. This guy is just a toddler having a tantrum because he didn’t get his way. Never give up a dog for a boy.
This sounds like a lot more than just “not used to dogs.” He is actively resisting any learning.
It gives a very bleak feeling about his character if his threshold for giving up on a living creature is getting some pee on him. Also what would he expect with a Greyhound? They piss and shit like every other breed
This dog is probably going to be a better best friend than he will. Do you really want a life partner who shows a lack of empathy and compassion? He may need time to adjust, but don’t accept being bullied.
So my dog has only peed on people who scared the shit out of him. Both did so accidentally and felt horrible about it. Your dog, who like my dog has experienced a scary life, probably peed on him because he was doing something sadistic to her.
Someone who hates a dog is not a safe person to have around them. You need to keep her away from him starting today and if you stay with him, re-home her before he can hurt her.
If it’s him or the dog, keep the dog and get rid of him. It sounds like he has no patience, and he doesn’t understand that puppies don’t come pre-trained
He doesn’t want the dog you decided on, he only wants the pedigree dog he decided on. Keep your dog.
Keep the dog. His comments about wanting an Italian Greyhound are just an example of how he’s operating here. He has no clue about owning that breed. He just wants it as a fashion statement … not as a beloved pet.
[One of the hardest things about owning an Italian Greyhound is housebreaking them!](https://www.midatlanticiggyrescue.com/ig-helptraining/housetraining/#:~:text=As%20you%20have%20probably%20read,regardless%20of%20the%20dog's%20age) So if he’s too lazy to help train this puppy properly … then he’s going to be no help at all housebreaking his perfect dog/you’re going to end up being it’s caretaker, too.
In my experience, a man who mistreats a small puppy will do worse to the woman in his life!!
Choose the puppy. Dump him like a steaming pile of dog poo!!
My ex wife once gave me the it’s me or the dog speech.
He’s 11 now and absolutely the bestest boy
Puppies do that. He heard that dog whine and ignored it because he doesn’t like that dog. He is letting this dog cause issues for him so he can throw a fit. I see no empathy from him. And I’m sorry. He doesn’t live in your house if he is there two days a week. He doesn’t get to make that call. But, if you don’t get rid of him. You’ll come home one day and the dog will be gone. He will dump that puppy somewhere and say she ran out the door when he came in. I’ve seen someone do that before.
Alright I’ve been training dogs for a long time, the behavior in the dog after he freaked out is always from being hit. Even yelling won’t usually elicit that behavior in a puppy as the sound of yelling isn’t immediately associated with anger. That’s just the first thing I gotta say.
What if you didn’t want an Italian Greyhound? How would he react? What if his dog did the things your puppy did? Would he flip out, or would it be okay cuz it’s his dog?
I think this dog is a real-world test for your relationship. Pay attention and proceed accordingly.
I’m gonna go with keep the dog, but not for the reason you might think. Neither of you are ready to get married. You’re making long term decisions unilaterally without consulting the person who will be your partner. He’s throwing tantrums when stuff doesn’t go his way. It doesn’t sound like either of you are mature enough for marriage.
Kicking at doors and yelling when a baby animal accidentally pees on you is an overreaction. You need to have an honest conversation with him and that this behavior is unacceptable, and you won’t stay in a relationship where you or the dog is being mistreated. He seems unwilling to compromise or have a better attitude toward the situation, but you can try and work it out. Remember that violent behavior tends to escelate make sure that you and the dog are in a safe environment. You have parents who seem to love and support you no matter whats going on in their life your, not bothering them when you ask for advice.
You’re both kids. Break up and enjoy your dog while you grow as a person.
Another fine reason no one should get married at 21.
Imagine having kids with him..
Not gonna bother reading past “can’t imagine life without him”. Your life has barely started.
He’s mad because you tripped over the dog?
I’m sorry, OP but he sounds really dramatic and like he’s just looking for reasons to be mad. I can understand not being ecstatic about a new puppy, especially since he didn’t really get a say in this decision that impacts both of your lives for many years (if you stay together), but if he is persisting in throwing these tantrums and being resentful I would be side eyeing tf outta him. I can’t imagine not even eventually warming up to a puppy, let alone just straight up hating a puppy.
He thinks you’re not ready for a dog. He thinks you didn’t give her a proper name. He thinks you should get rid of her. He thinks you should have a “better” dog breed. He sounds very controlling and selfish honestly. I know you said that you haven’t really had issues like this before, but you sound very passive and I’m wondering if this is just maybe one of the first times you’ve defied his orders.
ETA: I just saw your post about him basically throwing a fit because you were jealous about other girls and wanted to talk directly about it and he gave you the cold shoulder instead. Seems like he has a pattern of behavior. I would seriously reconsider this engagement OP. Do you want to deal with these situations for the rest of your life?
Lose the boy. Keep the dog.
Your to young for.marriage these days people.are waiting until early30’s keep the dog
Look, normally I’d say you never should’ve kept the dog without your fiancé’s approval, but she was cowering behind the couch after she peed in the house. That tells me he either got so angry he frightened her, or he may have actually physically hurt her. All because of something every puppy sometimes does.
Ditch the fiancé, keep the dog. Don’t play around with a warning sign like that.
U/OP never trust someone who can so callously discard another living being.
Now, if he said he’s not a dog person, and he offers safe alternatives, I’d say he’s being reasonable. Especially if you live together.
BUT he visits *weekends* and he can’t handle it? While trying to sell you a story about wanting this *very specific dog breed which is also expensive and requires specific care*??? Sure, sounds like he’s promising you a pony like you’re a toddler.
Not only are you both *really* young, so no need to rush into marrying, but these are some flags he’s raising that you need to pay attention to, especially if this is the first time you’re saying no to what he wants.
My ex pulled the “We’re not ready for a dog” thing. Although he did take it a step further and gave me an ultimatum. I chose the dog. Humans have conditions. Dogs don’t. Easy choice.
Edited for autocorrect issues
I’m not usually one to jump to break up with him… but I’m a firm believer that you can tell what kind of person someone is by how they treat animals. I get that living with a puppy is hard- they are learning and will make mistakes. But it really sounds like he isn’t even trying.
Assuming he knows you are attached to the dog, he should be making some kind of effort to help her learn and to learn her behavior. And if he doesn’t know you are attached to the dog, that’s a whole other issue. Hubby and I accidentally adopted a puppy during covid. He was supposed to be a foster, but I knew within about 30 minutes that hubby was attached to the puppy and he was staying. He should know you well enough to know you are attached and respect you enough to make an effort.
Such an easy choice. The dog, of course, particularly as the bf isn’t willing to even be flexible enough to try.
Choose the dog. Tell him you’re waiting for a purebred fiance.
I don’t mean for this to sound patronizing, but listen, I’m 22. You’ve only been dating this guy for two years and god help me if I married the guy I was dating when I was 19. His treatment of an innocent puppy is only a glimpse of how he’ll treat you. I don’t usually say this but: LEAVE HIM. Take the dog and leave him. You will have that dog for years and it will love you unconditionally. Your fiancé is not a nice person and you can avoid a dangerous situation noq
Easy to solve this problem by getting rid of the narc boyfriend. I wouldn’t leave the pup home alone with your boyfriend. I can see the dog getting very sick one day soon.
Sounds like even if you didn’t HAVE to make a choice, you should. The dog.
He isn’t acting reasonable or considerate to this dig or to you.
Dump the selfish, controlling, abusive BF and keep the dog. BF sounds like a real jerk, even if it wasn’t about the dog. You’re too young to get married, anyway, because you have limited life experience or you’d recognize how much of a jerk your BF is. Believe me, this is not the man you should marry.
This guy has serious intolerance and aggression issues. If you feel that you have to choose, you should choose to keep the dog. SO’s are replaceable. That dog is expecting you to be their forever companion. Your fiance is too, but they aren’t showing any behavior that earns that place in your life or shows why you should have that place in his life. I think it’s in yours and the dog’s better interest if you broom him immediately.
All I see are red flags. With your fiance.
Did he tell you that it was a problem that you tripped when he wasn’t around to ‘save’ you?
Also, I think you’re too young to be considering marriage. It’s not 1923, it’s 2023…
What do you mean the puppy was cowering behind the couch?!?! What’d he do to her?!?! Girl I think this dog is in danger around this guy, get rid of him!!! So many abusers start with animals then move on to physically abusing their significant others!! This dog is a sign from whatever higher power you believe in, to dodge the bullet that is your dude!
Girl he hit your dog – or physically hurt her somehow, that’s why she was cowering behind the couch.
This man:
– lost his temper on a puppy, took it out on her, then took it out on you
– is demanding you get rid of her because she did puppy things
– is actively wanting to discard a living thing like garbage
– hates her because it means he can’t get a dog??? That’s so immature
Sweetheart this man is being volatile, childish, manipulative, and controlling. You’re seeing the part he’s been hiding. Consider that a warning of what’s to come.
Yo, I lived with a man like that for 14 yrs, had 3 living kids with him (1 was stillborn and had 3 miscarriages, the stillborn being the twin to my middle child) he was a shitty parent (well actually still is) he didn’t do anything to help me at all, he was always drunk, couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger to help with the kids unless he was forced to and half asses it, got rid of **MY** dog without permission and laughed about it. OP, this is a massive red flag you should be paying attention to, I can’t tell you what to do but, if it were me, I’d throw the whole guy out