My (29f) husband (31M) just cheated on me

39 comments

1. I would really recommend to go see a divorce attorney if you have the means to do so. If you don’t, I would try to make a 3-4 year master plan of where you see this going. Because to me, it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. I know it’s hard. You got this

2. >didn’t know what to do so he let her kiss him.

   First of all this is just a dumb excuse and quite obviously a lie since he literally told you something different at first.

   Can you reach out to the friends that you do have and see if anyone of them would take you in temporarily?

   Writing is definitely an employable skill btw. There’s a ton of demand for copy writers, ghost writers, and content writers out there. Maybe start applying to jobs or internships and/or freelancing in the meantime until your own publications can support you.

   Also talk to a lawyer and document everything that’s been happening. You’re likely entitled to alimony to help you get on your feet as well.

3. He’s telling you this story in the best possible light so he doesn’t look as bad.

4. I could be wrong, but it seems like maybe he’s testing the waters with the whole “kiss” thing and potentially using it to disarm you (getting you to think that he was so forthcoming and apologetic with this whole scenario that he would never do anything more). I’m basing this off my own experience with a narcissist and obviously don’t know all the details of your relationship, but it sounds like a safe bet given his behavior in his last relationship and at the beginning of yours.

   The point is, he crossed a boundary of yours and you have a decision to make. What I would do (and have done) is go ahead and stick it out, but start plotting your escape. It sounds like leaving now would put you in a really difficult position – use this time to get your ducks in a row and get out when you are in a good position to do so.

   Who knows – maybe I’m completely wrong about my assessment. This would also give you time to really make the determination on whether or not you can work things out. Maybe you forgive him and stay together and live happily ever after. Maybe you start noticing inconsistencies in his behavior, catching him in lies, etc. Either way, you will eventually be surer of your decision and be in a better position to make your move.

   This is, of course, assuming that he isn’t abusive. That’s a whole other situation that I would urge you to get out of ASAP.

5. Girl there is no saving this marriage unfortunately. You will try and try until you don’t even have a speck of self dignity and then your gonna take more and more until one day you look at him and finally feel numb enough to leave. The way I see it is that you have two options 1. you leave him and start new 2. you stay and have your cake and eat it too. While in the waiting period you can use that time to get yourself situated

6. He cheated.

7. Lol this is why you dump cheaters the first time.

8. He doesn’t get to determine what is and isn’t cheating for you, especially cause he says he felt bad so he called you proving he knows right from wrong cause if it wasn’t cheating then why did he feel bad. Don’t put up with it, stay but plan how to get out especially with that history he already repeated now with you. He doesn’t want you to have the appropriate reaction to his bullshit. They’re ways to becoming more independent, try and eventually leave him. You’re moving, make friends and create a support system while working on supporting yourself financially and then tell him to shove it. Like girl you had to beg him to stop texting his ex in the beginning and he said those things? He got issues, fix yourself up and get out

9. Bro sounds like an actual idiot lmao

10. I won’t tell you whether to leave or not, that’s entirely up to you. I’d forgive them but I understand if someone would not. The only advice I can give you is to not be codependent on someone, ever. Always have a family/friend support network. Want to be with someone, don’t need to be with someone. Good luck with your decision and I hope you can get the support you need

11. He didn’t have to tell you but he did . I’m assuming because he wants to maintain some sort of trust. A kiss doesn’t mean the marriage is over. But you need to seriously ponder and contemplate how you want to move forward.

12. You don’t know what to do? He’s shown you a pattern – you believe it. You leave. He made this bed, let him lie solo in it.

13. Hey, this will probably be down voted because as soon as anyone hears of cheating on this sub everybody immediately says ‘leave’ and people seem to think that anybody who has cheated is irredeemable.

    What I think is you need to have a conversation about why he actually did it. A kiss really isn’t the worst thing in the world and he called you immediately after to confess, clearly feeling terribly about it.

    Even if it was a spur of the moment thing and something he got carried away with and was also just for a second, there is a reason why he did it. Maybe he is freaking out about moving to a different country. Maybe he is unsure about the relationship or feeling insecure himself. It could be all of those things and more.

    I think you need to have an honest conversation about why he did it – what feelings/motivations were behind that action – and then try and work through it. It’s definitely something that can be worked through with honest conversation.

    It’s horrible for you and he’s said a few different things clearly out of fear etc etc. Just sit down and try to be as up front together about how you’re both feeling as possible. Your relationship is clearly approaching a significant moment and there are lots of serious things that you need to talk about.

    Ultimately you also need to consider whether this is a relationship that you want to stick with and use this time to decide that.

14. Getting disrespected again n again is not excuse if u r worrying about your financial issue take a leap of faith try to part time jobs and change your mindset through positive affs then eventually everything falls into one place

15. I think I would play the long game here and give myself time!

    So If you’re ok with the location, move with him and the dogs, find yourself a job over there while working on getting published, integrate as much and as quickly as you can into the community (not time to be shy) and then decide if you wanna be with him or not. If not find your own accommodation with help of new friends, take the dogs and leave him.

16. He is a cheater. He has a history of cheating and is continuing to do so. It is very likely he wants to “open” up the marriage so he can *OPENLY* (because he already is secretly) something with a coworker.

    You have several options, but I will go over two.

    1. Contact divorce attorneys in your area and fill them in. Depending on your shared assets, they may be able to take you on and get payment at judgment. They also may know resources for people in your situation, those who are financially dependent but need a divorce.

    2. Make a plan to leave in X amount of time. Accept that your husband is probably cheating, get STI testing a lot, and put as much money away as you can during that time. Be ready to move though, if he realizes your plan.

17. Honestly, at the end of the day, you need to decide what your boundaries are and if you can forgive him for it. I know you’re on here because it’s easier to seek advice this way, but this requires deep introspect and maybe some quiet form of meditation in terms of what you feel like your greatest strengths are in this moment. Know that this may be a big bump in the road now, but you have tools and the intelligence necessary to move on from it. You should keep your cards and your next moves close to yourself. Know whatever choice you make now will have an affect on you long term. Are you comfortable in the town you live in that if he left you could navigate and get yourself back on your feet? If you stayed with him, would you find yourself forgiving him and later regretting that decision and finding it hard to accept it later on? If you kept to yourself and decided only to act when you both moved, could you find yourself happier where you guys are moving to and starting a new life?

    Either way, I think it will be healthy to get out of the house more once you decide. Go meet some new people, make some new friends. Go join a club, start something you haven’t started in awhile. I know you’re a journalist, but there are a LOT of part time jobs out there. Maybe not so great jobs, but there are places who are paying pretty decently and if you get two part time jobs, you can make a good income. A full time job even better.

    Either way, at the end of the day, it’s your decision. Again, there are a lot of options for you out there. I know it seems like a lot because youre alone, but you can get through this.

18. Just know that if you have a baby in another country, you and your baby can not leave that country without his written consent. If you did break up and you left to move home, he could have you for kidnapping and getting the child returned to him. Look up the Hague convention.

19. Check out fiver.com or Google freelance writers sites. There’s a ton of work for you

20. >> I get that the obvious answer is leave him, but I have no family, very few friends, and no support system.

    As opposed to him being the greatest support system?

21. I mean, your whole marriage is based on you begging him to change. The beginning of your marriage is supposed to be when things are at their best. He couldn’t even be loyal to you from the jump and now you question about throwing away your whole marriage? Respectfully, what marriage? What weight does it have when your partner has no stock in it?

22. Stop accepting disrespect and settling in life

23. Your husband is a liar and a cheater. If you stay in this marriage he will continue to lie and cheat. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s still texting that ex behind your back. And I’m sure there was more to that story about his ex “cheating on him bc he kissed another girl”

    I just got out of a relationship with someone who told me that she had gotten cheated on in every relationship she’s been in and that’s why they never worked out. Well, she ended up cheating on me with multiple people. Found out she had lied about a bunch of shit for the past few months and I found out from her ex that she cheated on her ex with me (which I knew but went along with bc she told me her ex cheated on her) Her ex never cheated on her. I won’t go into more detail but I know all of this is true through proof.

    I won’t say “once a cheater, always a cheater” is the case for everyone. But would you be willing to risk your heart on the fact that he’s one of the few that won’t cheat again? especially considering he cheated on his ex too conveniently the same way? and also cheated on you by texting his ex while you guys were married? And he’s also proved that he can and will lie to you bc let’s be honest, you have to know his backtracking is bullshit.

    There’s so much more I could say but I’ll end this by saying. Divorce this asshole now. Save your future self more hurt. He’s a liar and a cheater.

24. In the nicest way possible, you honestly should’ve seen the MASSIVE red flag when he was texting his ex while you were married and literally told you he still loves her. Not only that but he has a history of doing the exact same thing. You should really leave, or at least tell his employer as I’m sure HR would love to hear about this. If not then you have to be prepared to be miserable for the rest of your life

25. He said he still loves his ex.
    You had to beg him to stop messaging her.
    He’s admitted to cheating previously.

    And you Still deciding to marry this man? What exactly were you expecting? He’s a cheater.

26. i’m guessing it was a lot more then kissing…… if you know who the woman is contact the husband.

    you need to do some YOU work tbh. therapy, talk to a lawyer. i’m not saying divorce but you should know what divorce looks like for you before making any decisions. start going the gym join new groups any hobby’s you have see what’s in your area, this will help you meet new people and build you up. also start retraining so in the future you will be in a position to leave if you wish to do so.

    also you might not see this but from what you’ve put here your husband is manipulating you also what he’s doing can be considered as on the abusive side.

    and just so you know if my hubby put his lips to another woman’s this would be considered as cheating!

27. You get what you’re willing to accept. You accept that he’s allowed to kiss other women. Leave him or put up with it. They’re ypur choices

28. You have 4 options.

    1. Leave and get support where you can after you go, even if its from friends who are states away. Speak to friends, i think someone suggested an internship, copy writers, ghost writers, proof readers.

    2. Your second option is to stay with a time limit set (without him knowing), and just squirrel away as much money as you can to help you when you do pull the pin. Speak to a lawyer about options and support. Start applying for jobs without him knowing to set yourself up for when you walk. Do all the prep work before you go, without him knowing.

    3. Stay but put your foot down and tell him you’re getting a job and gaining some independence because this has made you realise that you are reliant upon him for everything. Tell him if he doesn’t like this, you are leaving.

    4. Stay as you are in the certain knowledge that this will happen again. Because it will. He has already set a pattern of behaviour, and you established right from the start of your marriage that you will put up with it. It has probably already happened numerous times, but you’re only hearing about this one because someone threatened to tell, or he thinks someone saw and he is doing damage control.

    He also sounds a bit controlling if he made you give up work and be a stay at home wife.

    Your choice on what to do, but you have to live with the consequences if you stay.

29. that’s cheating girl and he just tryna to make it look like he’s the victim. don’t fall for it

30. I am sorry that this happened to you, my xwife had an affair, so I understand how painful and humiliating this can be. That being said, the fact that he told you even though you would have never found out at least shows that he has a concise and that he still cares for you. As a divorced person, I will say that unless he is abusive, I believe that a divorce should be the last option. Divorce is extremely painful both mentally and financially. If you love your husband, I encourage you to seek counseling and to do your best to save your marriage. Whether you divorce or stay together, the pain and hurt caused by his infidelity will not just go away. Divorce will not heal your hurt.

31. Awww what a poor guy! So sad! He got tricked into kissing her! I just love it when guys have zero agency. It’s like when four girls just forced themselves to my ex’s apartment one evening. They just can’t help that women are throwing themselves at them! It’s such a hard life!

    Weird behavior. I prefer to date someone with agency, a fully developed prefrontal cortex, and doesn’t view themselves as some helpless victim of advances by persistent women who just looooove them. WEIRD mentality. I think these men want to be chased….

    anyways your husband seems like a hopeless lost cause. If you forgive him, he seems like he would likely do it again because his brain has shown time and time again it doesn’t work. Leave.

32. This shows there has been a serious disconnect somewhere. I think you should ask him what has happened in his heart to do something like this to you.
    If he says he doesn’t know, I’d call bullshit and tell him that he is a liar and is simply afraid to tell the truth.

33. So he’s a serial cheater & makes excuses by blaming other people? Considering the SAME exact thing happened with his ex, the story you are getting is highly likely not the truth. Coincidences aren’t real. People making the same mistakes, is.

34. >Same ex gf I had to beg him to stop texting at the beginning of our marriage and that he said he was still in love with and would always love, then backtracked that and said he had spoken wrong and he didn’t mean it like that.

    Sounds like he has a history of backtracking what he said to try and avoid consequences.

    In my opinion, saving the marriage isn’t the first issue, since this is problem behaviour that could potentially just repeat. What’s the point in saving a marriage when he clearly isn’t learning from this mistake and is clearly not remorseful enough to be honest with you. Counselling might be the best step in that direction.

    Personally, I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who’ll backtrack on confessing to cheating and try and pin the blame elsewhere. I’d be calling a divorce lawyer. But in the end, that’s your choice to make.

35. Idk. He didn’t have to tell you at all, but he told you right away. What was his motive? Especially after he saw the same scenario play out in his previous relationship. At any rate it doesn’t sound like he’s being completely honest. Don’t let him gaslight you. You aren’t overreacting because you have a problem with your husband putting his lips on another woman.

    On another not, writing is an extremely employable skill, especially for remote work. I would suggest checking with higher education providers. It’s a good time to get your foot in the door because there a huge workload getting incoming students’ credits transferred and registered for fall courses.

36. It’s going to be harder to leave in a foreign country. Is there a possibility that he told you this on purpose so that you will leave? Maybe he’s too chicken shyt to tell you he doesn’t want you to move with him.

37. Me personally, as you said you don’t have the means to leave now, I would start by mentally and emotionally checking out of this relationship, then making plans to leave him in 2 to 3 years while pretending to him that I forgave him, it was a honest mistake and that everything is good, but also gathering every evidence of his cheating and when I was comfortable to leave I would blindside him with divorce papers and take the dogs whit me, but that would be me tho

    Ps.: if you want to go through this route, never forget to make a mild fuss every time he tells you he cheated, pretend you’re mad, makes him buy you a gift or something and then forgive him while saying you want to work on your marriage to make it work.

38. She’s looking for advice on how to get out y’all. She knows this is wrong and clearly wants no future with him. Your best bet is relying on any skills you do have outside of writing. Save up and either rent a home or put a down payment on a house. But please see a divorce attorney.

39. i’m sorry but if you had to beg him to stop talking to his ex, that should have been the last straw. and he said he still loves her, then he said he couldn’t do anything when the coworker kissed him (which is a very stupid and flimsy excuse btw,) and then trying to bring up his history of cheating to neutralize what he just did, that just sounds very toxic