Long story short. She’s a really nieve woman and I love her but her naivety has caused me immense pain. We’ve had a fun relationship that WAS filled with love and trust until this past summer a year ago. Important to know I was her first everything. She’s only my second romantic partner as well.
She emotionally cheated on me with a mutual friend. If I explained the activities they did, one would think they were going on dates. They kind of were, I admit. The way she behaved during this time completely shattered my trust in her… obviously. But we attempted to identify issues and started seeing a counselor together.
After about 6 months things seemed to be improving. We were going on fun dates, chemistry was improving in all aspects of the relationship but there was a… like sort of hidden anxiety between the two of us. Work was stressful for both of us, there was a lot going on. I was obviously healing still from the summer and willing to work on things. Then one day in March she blindsided me with a breakup.
I was ultimately forced to move on and start a new life. Flash forward to about a month ago she calls me crying. (3 ish months of separation). Classic. She made a mistake, she misses me, she really does see a future with me, she should have been more patient and supportive. All the things one would say. I met up and spoke with her to basically tell her how unfair it was for her to break up with me then to try to get me back when I was so motivated to heal our relationship. My goal was to ultimately end things, which is what she intended in the first place.
But the conversation led me to believe she had really been working on herself and reflecting. She’s been going to therapy, she’s pretty spiritual and she meditates alot and I’m sure she reflects on our relationship and her actions alot. She even still had our pictures on the fridge.. Jesus it was kind of sad. She said she lives with guilt and regret every day.
I’ve never felt so torn. I have referrals for divorce lawyers. I really enjoy my new life as well. But I think about her literally every day. And I can’t help but to think we might be able to mend things. I have no idea what it would take. And I’m also super anxious to go back to that. She made me feel so shitty toward the end. Gaslighting and projecting shit onto me. I’m in therapy honestly because of how stressful this past year has been. I want to forgive her but I can’t really know how much she’s “learned” in our time apart.
I know the decision is mine (even though it shouldn’t be, she chose this). And I can’t know if she’s grown if I don’t give her another chance. I’m finally becoming happy and myself again, slowly. I worry this cycle is just going to repeat itself. She has an avoidant attachment style and has pushed me away before but not like this. I can’t help but to wonder if the time apart was what she needed to realize we really had something good. Or if she’s just scared of being alone and wants me back until she gathers the courage to “want to see the world on her own” again.
Thanks for reading. I’ve posted on here regarding my situation a couple times. This has been going on a while, I’m just struggling and trying to gather information as best as I can before making any decisions.
42 comments
I mean, I wouldn’t get back with someone that did that to me and I think you’d be naive to believe a word she says, but if you really want to then I suppose the only answer is “very, very slowly”. Don’t just go straight back to living together and pretend it’s all happy families.
The thing she “learned” was that there wasn’t a future with her AP and now she’s lonely. Who’s to say that this feeling won’t wear off in a few months, or a year? You’ll be right back to where you were. Can you really ever trust her again?
You’re a really naive man! It wasn’t your WW, she let you think that while she cheated on you using your love and trust in her against you, to gaslight the crap out of you. Even now you still believe her cheater excuses and lies.
If you don’t think she wasn’t hooking up with your mutual friend all this time, your blind sighted.
Has your WW admitted it’s not as fun screwing your mutual friend when you’re separated.
Have you asked her what she really has been doing since she left you after the blindsiding?
Now when your doing better WW swoops back in to ruin your happiness again. She wants you back so she can get back to the excitement of cheating again.
You’ll never trust her again, why go back to be cheated on again when your happy?
The only thing that changed in your WW is she’s no longer the person you loved. She’s a selfish cheater whose going to blindside you again and again.
Divorce her, and once complete, if she’s civil throughout the process and she doesn’t go after your wealth, tell her you’ll consider getting back together.
What consequences has she faced for cheating on and tearing your heart out?
Cheaters finds cheat, She’ll do it Shahin when She finds the next one. Do You really wanna go thru that shit again and start over again? Move on Bro and leave Her to Her naiveness.
Looking at your post history, trying again would be a bad idea.
Just because you’ve each been working on yourselves individually doesn’t mean a relationship between you could ever be healthy. The damage that was done and the patterns that damage caused to develop are still there and you would both, completely without meaning to, would fall back into them very quickly.
> I worry this cycle is just going to repeat itself.
This is one of those habits caused by damage in your relationship that would be problematic if you got back together. There is zero trust in her ability to not repeat this cycle and your fear that it will happen would keep you from being able to fully commit and trust her again.
Not only that, but for your *entire relationship* her focus has been on herself and what she wants and what she feels while you were focused on the same thing: HER happiness. Your relationship was never balanced and was always going to fail.
The healthy thing to do, for both of you, is to take what you’ve been learning while in therapy and other self-improvement techniques and use them to build better relationships with future partners. Trying to build a healthy relationship on such a heavily and repeatedly damaged foundation simply isn’t going to work.
Three months is an interesting length of time. Just enough time for her to actually try to date the guy she was cheating with, find out they weren’t compatible, realize that actually being single isn’t great, and panics her way back into getting back with you.
Three months isn’t long enough to actually fix anything. Or learn anything. She’s upset because the breakup isn’t working out like she imagined.
Look, I don’t know either of you. But it sounds like you’re doing ok on your own. And make sure that when you think about her, you think about the her that’s in front of you. The her that cheated on you, then blindsided you with a breakup, and is now begging to get back together a few months later with a bunch of “I’ve been thinking a lot” bullshit. That’s the her that you need to be thinking about a relationship with, not the her that you fell in love with to begin with.
Her plan of upgrading didn’t work and now she wants her best option (you) back
Sounds like a wonderful bargain for you, accept you’re the fallback plan and then when she meets someone else she likes this will happen again…and again…and again until it finally works and she leaves permanently
Have some self respect
I don’t have advice, OP, except to say, only listen to the commenters who are in the group you asked for- people who separated and got back together. Those are the people who can best tell you what to look for and how it works.
You are more foolish than you think she is if you believe she changed.
The life she was fantasising with him turned out to be worse than she imagined and now she is back playing the part of the repentant. You saw and felt how she treated you back then. That is who she can be when she doesnt feel like having you around.
Dont be weak and fall for the crocodile tears. Your life is beginning to swing upwards and hers will continue to decline as she will make one bad choice after another.
So things didn’t work with her “friend” and now she’s to the safe option. What you’re gonna do next time she cheats on you?
Op-
Have you tried getting advice from r/survivinginfidelity?
Maybe someone there can help answer your questions and better help you.
Don’t listen to these people, it is possible to mend a past relationship. It’s difficult, yes, and it takes assuming risk. But it can be done. You just need to decide whether it’s worth the risk to try
She’s definitely scared of ending up lonely. Divorce her and continue to be happy and find yourself. If you get back with her it’ll just be a repeat cycle of her having a affair, pushing you away, you being happy and her coming back.
For me the decision would depend on whether or not she slept with another man.
You can’t use breaks or separations to sleep with someone else and then come back.
You are going to need some tactical questions to find out the truth.
So I never got back with anyone because they always had slept with someone.
Bro this woman only cares about herself. You are in for a lot of pain if you take her back
Don’t do it man it’s never the same
Move on block her and disappear you deserve the best those fellings are fake it’s just attachment
To be frank OP,
Your wayward wife is not naive but you are. She cheated on you willingly, betrayed and abused you. 8 years marriage went down the drain for lust and fantasy. But the grass wasn’t greener and fantasy land didn’t pass the reality check.
Now , all the cheater BS 101 is put into action. From childhood trauma, mental health to attachement style to JUSTIFY her cheating OP.
Respect yourself OP and remember the break up and how she blindsided you and left you. Don’t be a consolation prize, a waiting room till the next escapade or plan B. It is possible that she learnt something during this separation and as a nice guy you should hope that it is true. But it shouldn’t be your concern anymore. She failed the wife test miserably and you deserve better
Move on OP. Your analysis is to the point and deep down you know that you should pull the trigger.
Break free OP
Before making any decision, ask yourself how would you react if you find out 1: she had intimacy with someone else and even right before break up, 2: you were broken up because cause she thought the grass is greener somewhere else and things didn’t work out, 3, she broke up with again or having another emotional or whatever affair, it like you will invest on something with high risk and perhaps ok award, are you prepared if things don’t work mentally?
I met my now husband when I was still technically married (but separated from) my ex. I had a tong of baggage and my ex had my kids and my life was basically a mess. I date him for about 7 months – we even lived together for a few months. But ultimately my exh and my family convinced me I needed to go home for my kids’ sake. I didn’t speak to my husband for 5 years. In that time my marriage failed miserably but I got stronger and when I separated for the final time I made sure I had a plan to keep my kids with me….I was not too long into the separation when I ran into my husband and it was like we had never split. Neither of us stopped loving each other. We had thought about each other for years. But I was in a better place both mentally and in life….and I ended up moving across the country with my kids to be with him and after 9 years we are still going strong.
Sometimes you have to learn yourself and grow to see what you truly want/need in life. There is absolutely such a thing as right person wrong time.
Have some self respect or let yourself be completely destroyed by her. Once the trust is broken, it’s over.
I’ve made the mistake of getting back with an ex, two different times. Neither time worked.
At the core, you are both still the same people you were before and it isn’t going to work.
As someone who has been in an “relationship” that keeps going in circles and shouldve stepped away a long ago. Especially when he keeps coming back. Take your freedom and healing, dont go back. Atleast not right now. If its meant to work out for you guys, it will. But you both have healing and lives to live separately.
Do not take her back. It didn’t work out with the other guy and now she wants her back up. Block her and never speak to her again.
This person has wronged you deeply. Sometimes it’s OK to draw a line and not forgive someone for their actions. Choose a lawyer and let them do the rest of the talking from now on.
Nobody can tell you if getting back with your wife is a good idea. They don’t know you or your wife. They don’t know what you are willing to accept and not.
I suggest you write a list of your boundaries. What is acceptable in a relationship and another of what is acceptable in a friendship. Then look at your wife’s behaviour throughout the 8 years and see how many of the those boundaries she has crossed. I think you will find there’s more than just cheating that was wrong with your relationship, even as a friend.
I personally wouldn’t. I’d say the option she wanted didn’t work out and she thinks you will be there.
Before making any decisions, I would insist on full disclosure. Has she been seeing anyone else, has she been communicating with the other guy etc
If this is a case of her sampling the other tables wine only to find it’s corked, I’d bail. If she really has spent that time working on herself then yeah, it might be worth taking the leap
I wouldn’t man, she cheated on you with a friend, had a rebound with another friend and now she’s on her own she’s now realising that the grass wasn’t greener and she’s all of a sudden remembering all the things she loves about you! That’s a lot of betrayal from someone who was supposed to love you.
I personally couldn’t trust her again
She cheated on you and it didn’t work out. Divorce and move on, if she doesn’t learn this lesson and you take her back she will be good for a bit, but ultimately she will leave you for someone else, she has wandering eyes, stay away.
I just came to say… I believe in mistakes and forgiveness. I also believe in the power for people to change. Only you know your wife/partner best. If you want to forgive her and take her back, do so. But remember, as hard as it is, you must forgive her. Or your relationship will not be able to move on. ❤️
Can you be sure what she has been doing the past three months? And have you asked her?This guy you mention she was emotionally cheating with was there any physical intimacy between them? If so this would be a definite deal breaker for me. What was the reason she felt the need to emotionally cheat on you? If you decide to give her another chance you Two would need months of therapy to essentially build a new foundation, and that is if you can forgive her and move on from the past relationship issues relationships are damn hard even people that haven’t cheated have issues that lands them in couples therapy such as poor communication and arguing. But I would be cautious because the warning here is that old cycles or patterns repeat again you don’t want to end up being one of those people so in love with a person that you forget to love yourself by allowing patterns to repeat for years with the hopes of change and promises from the other person to one day find yourself old, childless and on the verge of a mental breakdown because of the grief other person had put you through while you wasted years waiting for them to finally do the inner work and make real changes to their behavior ultimately it is your choice. You have a lot to take into consideration take your time doing so. Some people may never truly be able to love us the way in which we want them to.
She cheated. There is no going back.
It’s probably easier to move on. You’re young, doesn’t sound like there are kids. If, however, you want to give it a go, check out r/asoneafterinfidelity.
You’ll basically be starting over, and she’ll be expected to do the heavy lifting. If she balks at that just once, don’t bother. The process takes *years*.
You have no children. GET OUT NOW. Cut all ties. Shes just discovering how hard it is out there and needs you to step up quick for those babies she likely wants. RUN! Before you are stuck with 18 years of child support. She is most certainly viewing things from a VERY practical view of needing you to use to get what she wants, NOT about caring about what she did to you, your pain, or your feelings.
Sorry man..
You’re happy with your new life. Leave it at that. Move past her.
I do not know your story but what you wrote here is more than enough.
My now husband had an emotional affair 10 years ago. He did a lot of what you said your wife did at that time. We kinda broke up but then reconciled when I moved abroad and he was my biggest emotional supporter. He came to visit me, we married. 10 years later I wake up at our recently built house to find he was at our house with a girl. In our house while I was sleeping.
This was nothing sexual but it brought back a lot of the ea for me. She just wanted to come to see our house, and he did not bother to tell me when he said ok, when they were coming or during the 6 hours they were hanging out here while I was sleeping.
Still did not process this (it was a week ago)
To make things short, do not waist your time and heart on this girl. Not worth it.
Shame on you if you fool me once. Shame on me if you fool me twice.
UpdateMe!
To me, it sounds like she’s had a relationship that’s failed during your separation and she wants the stability and care you provided her back.
I was with my partner for 14 years, kids, house etc however I’m grateful I never married him as he did the same thing many times and me being the fool I was, took him back time after time even after the promises of change and therapy, things were good for awhile before going back to the same old sh*t. I think it was the thrill of something shiny and new for him, he would carry on with ap’s behind my back, gaslight and manipulate me thinking it was all in my head then we’d split and he’d do his thing until it ended either naturally or because he missed the life we had but it was usually when I’d dug myself out of the pit of misery and started healing, finding myself/my happiness again. I honestly believe he lied so much to deny me the choice of where I wanted my life and future to go, almost like he wanted to keep me as an option on the side but eventually I woke up (he was making son lie to me about a gf he had which was the last straw) I chose me which was the best decision I’d made in years. I found happiness, my kids were happier and life became so much better without him tainting it. Sorry for the novel but I believe she’s been doing more than working on herself during her time away and I think you need the full truth of this time apart.
I am biased in saying don’t go backwards and lose that hard work you’ve done for yourself but I wish you luck
Watch strong successful male on you tube.
Don’t take her back. She is looking for her special day nice guy resource daddy.
She is almost 30.
So the branch (or several branches) she tried to monkey branch to turned out to not be so sturdy. That. Is. Not. Your. Problem. Let her swing. She made her choice.
She cheated on you. End of story. It doesn’t really even matter if it happened before or after the separation. She tossed you aside for what she thought was greener pastures. Do you really want to be anyone’s backup plan?
Maybe she really has “done the work” and bettered herself. It does not change what she did to you. You can forgive her. But that doesn’t mean you have to take her back. Wish her best of luck and move on. You’re in a good place now. Don’t backslide. Sure, couples have recovered from these things and went on to have a solid relationship. But that isn’t very common. Your mind will never really get past it. The doubts will always be there. Why put either of you through that?
You never mentioned kids being in the picture. That’s the only thing I could see that might sway someone to at least try. If there’s no kids, it’s a great time and place for a clean break. Find someone loyal. If she has learned from her mistakes, she can apply those lessons to her next relationship.
I know it’s a hard decision. Whatever you choose, I hope it works out for you.
Who ever she replaced you with wasn’t worth it and your ole reliable.
I kind of understand what it’s like for your (ex?) wife. I didn’t date or even kiss anyone until I was an adult. I was just really socially awkward and insecure. My first relationship was really intense. We would talk about marriage but a part of me would wonder how I would know if this was the best relationship for me if I never tried with anyone else. We ultimately broke up because I could never fully commit.
I’m not making excuses for her because I wouldn’t agree to marry someone if I was still having doubts. In my experience, if we had problems big enough that we had to break up over it, then it probably won’t work out when another issue comes along. I would ask you what it would take for her to rebuild back your trust. Go no contact with her until you figure out what you want.
Let me tell you from experience. It will be AMAZING for the first year or whatever length of time. She will be back to the girl you fell in love with. She will do things sexually, you didn’t realize she was into and you’ll love them. You still won’t trust her though. Then one day it will begin to fade and you’ll realize where she learned those things. You’ll realize you were conveniently willing and she needed that. You’ll learn a lot of things. Hopefully this time you’ll learn your lesson.
The fact is, she realized that she ruined the best possible chance she has at a normal stable relationship going forward as an almost 30 year old woman. Her dating life is on life support, the denouement if you will.
You however my friend, are not. You have the world at your fingertips. You are still young and seem to be moving through life healthily. You won’t ever fully trust this woman and there is no reason you should. You’re significantly better off starting over with a new partner.