Okay so I’m getting a lot of mixed messages about this. Lots of people saying that focusing on attractiveness is super shallow and doesn’t lead to any long lasting relationships but in the same breath say that sexual attraction is important…so which is it? Is attraction important or is it not important?
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Sexual attraction is extremely important in a relationship. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone say differently? For a friendship, no, but a sexual relationship depends on…sex.
For me it’s important, there has to be sexual attraction there in order for me to want to have sex, I couldn’t be with someone that I’m not attracted to.
Sexual compatibility is vital. Two people who have low sex drives can be super happy. But one with super high drive and one with a super low drive won’t be without a lot of careful compromise.
Physical beauty fades, but most long term happy marriages include people who are still attracted to each other, despite the toll of the years. If you don’t have that, you probably aren’t going to last unless you are both asexual.
It’s important. But it’s not everything. If that’s all you care about, then yes you’re being shallow.
Extremely important, that’s the person you will be having sex with for the foreseeable future.
Sexual attraction is very important. But you need more than that for a lasting relationship.
Compatibility is a mix of all.
I’m demisexual, so maybe my thoughts on this are horribly skewed, but here goes anyway…
You can look at someone and be attracted to them, even want to have sex with them, but if there isn’t also a personality there that somehow meshes with yours, it’s not likely to lead to anything lasting.
For myself, how much I’m attracted to someone can change immediately, if I see or hear them mistreat another person. Someone could objectively be the most attractive person on the planet and if they kick a puppy, I’d never sleep with them, let alone be in a long-term relationship with them.
Get off Reddit and figure this out for yourself. Sounds harsh but polling internet strangers about what’s important for them won’t help you. Most likely you won’t get a straight answer at all. It’ll be all over the place based on priorities.
>Okay so I’m getting a lot of mixed messages about this.
You actually aren’t. What we’re saying is that sexual attraction is important and physical attraction is not. The reason you’re confused is because you either don’t know or won’t believe that those two things are separate.
Now, in your defense, if you’re like most people, you’ve been systematically misinformed by popular culture. Mass media very much likes to portray romance as being solely informed by appearances. They do this because it’s easier to dramatize… And because they’re telling works of fiction and, fundamentally, have no requirement to tell the truth. But it still leaves people like you in trouble.
In reality, relationships take place between _people_, not bodies. _Sex_ takes place between people, not bodies. Looks get your foot in the door, but personality closes the sale. Bodies are merely wrapping paper.
Now, it’s difficult to stereotype ratios. Every person has a different ratio of “I need to be attracted to their body” to “I need to be attracted to their personality”. I can’t tell you what your ratio is, nor what it should be. I _can_ tell you that very few people who are 100% “attractive bodies” to 0% personality have managed to find successful relationships. First off, those people are wrong about themselves; even if they think they can put up with any personality whatsoever, they find out quickly that this isn’t true. (“Hi, I want to subjugate all men!” “Hi, I’m a Trump supporter!” “Hi, I never brush my teeth and have terrible breath!”) Second, _appearances change over time,_ inevitably and unpredictably, which makes them a poor foundation for a relationship.
As to whether sexual attraction is important in a relationship, that frankly depends on whether you plan to have sex in your relationship. It’s possible for people to be low libido or even asexual. But if that doesn’t describe you, then, yes, you should make sure that you are attracted to your partner and they are attracted to you, that you both want to have sex with each other on a basis that satisfies both of you, and that you want to have the same kinds of sex. After all, what happens if you’re unsatisfied? Either you live with that dissatisfaction for the rest of your life, or you seek sexual satisfaction with someone you aren’t in a relationship with — both of which are sub-optimal if not unethical solutions. The _real_ answer is, “You dump them and find someone who makes you happier,” which is why people will encourage you to find this information out quickly, before it’s difficult to dump them.
Hope this helps give you some context!
Of course attraction is important. The thing is, there are different types of attraction. You can be emotionally attracted to someone who you don’t find that physically attractive but the cumulative attraction makes things work. You can be physically attracted to someone who you have very little emotional attraction to at all but the cumulative attraction makes things work. You can be mentally attracted to someone who you don’t find physically attractive and have little to no emotional connection with but the cumulative attraction makes things work. There are other, for sure. Different people value different types of attraction to different degrees.
It is to me. I can think someone is great but if I don’t have some form of sexual attraction to them I’m likely not going to be interested in a romantic relationship with them. Its not the sole thing for me but its very up there.
I’ve been sexually attracted to people I would never date… but I could *not* be with someone I wasn’t intensely sexually attracted to. But attraction is just surface level. For a relationship to be fulfilling, I need depth.. we need to be compatible on so many levels and so many ways.
In a romantic relationship agreeing on sexual stuff is really important. So by extension attraction is important but it’s not all just physical appearance. A major mismatch in libido is going to make both persons frustrated.
If all you focus on are looks then yes that’s shallow and as time changes so do looks so if you only like them for one thing it changes will you still love them.
Then for many people sexual attraction is important as sex is important part of a relationship. Someone could be stunning but their behaviour can cause their sex appeal to hit ground zero.
Relationship isn’t a tick all box game or tick only one it’s a bunch of sliding categories that some you got to drop or lessen prioritising some categories like humour, willingness to work, etc
It’s very important unless you just want to be roommates or friends.