I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next little while. My (47F) husband (45M) of almost 18 years left us today and I’m struggling to make sense of it. He has had depression on and off his whole life, but it started to get worse when he got promoted to a high stress demanding job a few years ago. Then this past January it was really bad and he talked about needing to leave us, left for one night and came back because he deeply regretted it. He then went on an antidepressant, and was doing somewhat better but the effects weren’t immediate.
In April after our spring break trip on which he was anxious and down the whole time, he said he needed to leave again and went to a hotel, but this time had already leased an apartment behind my back. He sobbed as he left and kept saying he was sorry. His reasoning was that we had nothing in common and we didn’t do anything and he was miserable. He claimed it has been like this for years (spoiler, it hadn’t!)Not once has he ever said anything, we still had sex regularly and the only struggle recently had been him being depressed and not wanting to do anything. All his energy went to work. He also let his relationship with our two pre-teen girls suffer because he would be grumpy and mean and didn’t handle teen emotions well.
He was also not having an affair, I questioned him repeatedly and did some investigating. During this time he never stopped communicating, mostly by text. But it was an excruciating time and I was also mad that he left me to manage our house and the kids’ grief, activities, and homework, while he got to be sad alone and not deal with any responsibilities. He said of course he would still help with the kids and the house, but my kids were too angry with him. I also hated that
my kids saw me breaking down constantly.
After the first 2 weeks he was texting me more and more (I would never reach out first) and he would come to our daughters’ games and we would talk. I started to see him returning to his old self (meds finally stabilizing?) and we went on a date and it was amazing, and we kept talking and he eventually asked if I would let him come back home. I said let’s give it until the end of May and keep talking and going out. Shortly after that he ended up needing emergency abdominal surgery and was in the hospital for a week. During that time we would talk on the phone and I would visit him and he told me how sorry he was and that he loved us and just wanted his family back. I said if he was serious it would take some work and he needed to get rid of the apt., but I was willing if he was and he should come home now to recover since it was only a week away from our original timeline. I will add here that he went off his meds in the hospital due to drug interaction.
He worked like a dog, even post surgery to get his apt cleaned out and paid the huge fee to break the lease. Everything was good the first few weeks, and then I started to see the decline in his mood and the occasional anger returning. And he would refuse to talk about it or us or anything he was feeling/going through. This past week he was really distant and he also didn’t change anything from before and refused counseling. I finally asked him today what was going on. He said he’s deeply miserable again and doesn’t think we can be married anymore. He loves me, likes me, is attracted to me, I’ve done nothing wrong, but he can’t stay. It was a rough few hours of both of us crying because I told him there was no coming back after this. I told him he didn’t have to leave tonight if he wanted to sleep on it, but he said he should and I said well this is it then and broke down sobbing.
We were separated for 6 weeks, and back together for 9. All of this makes him sound so awful, but he isn’t. He has been a wonderful husband and dad thats why it’s so devastating. We’ve had ups and downs like any marriage, and when he wanted to come back I thought he meant it.
We were just getting to the years where we could start doing more together because the kids are older and he’s thrown it all away. He said he will probably regret it and that makes me sad for him. He will be alone and miserable and his kids will hate him and grow up without a good father figure.
I’m scared about the future and how I will buy him out of our house because I can’t make my kids leave their home. Our retirement planning was tied into me having his retiree healthcare and pension. I have my own investments too and i have a good job. Mostly Im just so sad and can’t picture my life without him and not sharing things with him. He would want me to, but it’s too painful. I never thought I’d be alone at this age. I’m devastated.
10 comments
I’m so sorry. Sounds like his depression is relapsing. When did he leave?
in what ways did you support him going through depression? did he ever seek therapy?
I know people are mentioning depression but a lot of this sounds behavioral. To me he seems manipulative, selfish and likes to live in a fantasy where he can run away from problems and have no commitment- and gets to blame it on his mental illness. And he’s emotionally abusing you and your kids, repeatedly causing abandonment trauma due to choices he has full control over.
It sounds like he’s going through a mid-life crisis. I learned recently that men can go through severe hormonal fluctuations in their 40s and 50s which is very similar to menopause. This usually causes a mid-life crisis or mental breakdown. I hope he gets help.
It sounds to me like he is placing the responsibility of his happiness on to you. Counseling was probably needed a decade ago. Psychiatric interventions are useless without psychotherapy.
Is it possible that he has been triggered by the stress and thoughts of a childhood trauma are resurfacing for him?
He needs to be in therapy regardless. Like intensive therapy. That’s the stipulation for if he tries to resurface. It seems like he can’t emotionally regulate at all.
Speaking from personal experience – my husband was sexually abused as a child for years and hasn’t really started to unravel his depression, anxiety and avoidance until very recently.
Also I got myself into therapy, on meds too and started doing things for myself more. Just learned how to be calmer, learned my personal thresholds for what is unacceptable behavior, my attachment styles and why I’m in this situation etc.
It allows me to reframe the situation so it doesn’t feel so devastating in the moment.
Because this can feel like it’s your fault. And it can such a hit to yourself esteem and oh my goodness the self esteem of your daughters as they are teenagers. This is not your fault and please tell them it’s not their fault either. It might feel that way to them, which is so heartbreaking.
It sounds like he feels broken and is holding something very close deep down. Makes sense why he doesn’t want to see a therapist and leaving like his is – it sounds like he is in deep denial. He is doing everything possible from exposing something deep down in himself.
What an extremely tough situation that you and your girls are enduring. Please teach them that they never have to endure a romantic relationship like this in their future. That this isn’t acceptable.
Best of luck to you and your daughters.
Hmm, I wonder if the stress from work and life along with what looks like very poor coping skills has led to this. Does he ask for alone time and take himself out like a hobby?
Everyone needs alone time and you should take turns. If stress is soo bad, it can skew your perspective. Regardless, this is just a really sad situation. Please allow yourself to grieve. This is his journey he needs to figure out for himself.
If I may say, it could be a mood disorder. But this is unfair to your kids. Leave him alone. He can’t come back. Wish him well. You and the kids are not a yo yo. And they need stability. Don’t mess with them as you do Mom if you take him back. Let him get well and parent from afar. See an atty to get tire dollars straight. Good luck.
If he’s depressed, there’s little you can do and his reactions are not a reflection in you or your relationship. It’s an illness that often (always?) manifests itself in ways that seem completely illogical. Because they are! That’s why depression is so difficult to live with.
He must find a good therapist and get back on medication that helps. For himself!! But if he doesn’t, you and your kids have to find a way to move forward without him.
As a person who had a high stress high pressure paying job for years, that led to severe depression and anxiety slowly over 20 years. I found that I slowly could not deal with many aspects of my life. I suspect the next stage for your husband, will be that he has trouble coping with his job, and have a complete breakdown.
People like to blame someone in this situation, but believe me, you don’t as a depressed person don’t want to suffer from severe anxiety and depression, it is an evil illness.
Medication can sometimes manage it, you can only offer someone has this type of illness support and try to get them the appropriate medical help. Best wishes.