My GF and I had a good sex life – I am apparently the only guy who’s ever made her cum without masturbating, and I felt really connected to her.
I thought it would be fun to introduce a vibrator. Now she uses it, gets off quickly and hard, and prefers not to actually have PiV intercourse at all with me because she says she can’t get off that way anymore.
I’m pretty heartbroken – I obviously want her to feel good but PiV is super important to me in terms of intimacy and connection, which are the big things that make me enjoy sex. Things just aren’t the same now. is there a way to fix this? Or have I opened Pandora’s box?
32 comments
You might want to talk to her about this and suggest she uses her vibrator less often – they can decrease clitoral sensitivity and make it harder to cum from other kinds of stimulation if used frequently.
Was she really coming before? Or just faking?
My bet’s on faking, and that she’s never had an unassisted orgasm. But she wants you involved, and she’s learned how to come with your participation. Shut up and play your role. She worked to include you; it’d be easier for her to do without you.
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If I had a partner who wanted to have sex with me, and was getting off and wanted me to be a part of it, I wouldn’t ask too many questions. You’re *way* farther ahead than a lot of the folk that post here.
There is no pandora’s box. Rather she just got hyped on the new sensations and very rudely put your needs and desires on a shelf. Incorporating toys with PIV would be wonderful. But to suddenly stop what was an intimate experience you both shared with PIV indefinitely is selfish on her behalf and you should discuss your feelings with her.
Let her know how heartbroken you are and that, even though toys are welcome, they shouldn’t replace the moments you have together and the extended time of intimacy you felt with PIV. If she doesn’t acknowledge your pain, or she does but chooses to keep PIV off the table anyways, then you might need to reconsider the relationship since that would just tell you that she didn’t have the enthusiasm that you thought she had.
My wife and I have been together for 20+ years. She uses a vibrator during oral and piv, and it’s awesome and wonderful.
Fix is tricky; it depends on what you envision a solution to be (I’m assuming for you, PIV and for her, maybe not? How could we know) TALK! Communicate with her about it. Be up front and vulnerable and ready for shit to go south or have a bumpy road ahead even if you go on the right path. Maybe you can reach a compromise maybe not, but it’s not something you should regret — it’s in the past (introducing the change) best of luck
It sounds like she really has no interest in fulfilling your needs and is choosing the toy over you. You should tell her how this is making you feel and end the relationship if she cannot meet your needs. Sounds like she is being selfish.
If she had that much of a transformation after using a vibrator just a few times, odds are the intercourse just wasn’t that great for her to begin with.
Best fix: MAKE the PIV good for her by figuring out what works for her. In my personal experience, my wife says penetration and clitoral stimulation are both wonderful but distinct feelings, but clitoral stimulation is usually what makes her cum. So I do both at once. We have a clit vibrator, and I will use that on her while I’m having sex with her. Takes some multi-tasking skills, but it can be learned. Maybe that or something similar can work for the two of you.
I don’t want to sound too critical, but the reason she wasn’t that interested in PIV might be because you weren’t making it all that great for her. She also has the responsibility of telling you how she feels, and she might not have been telling it to you straight for any number of reasons.
You need to tell her that PIV sex is imp for you for intimacy which is actually imp for a relationship. If she understands and is willing to have normal sex again then I woud suggest to use oral on her before PIV sex. Use oral to get her close to orgasm and then go for PIV sex to finish the job.
Obviously she was never satisfied having sex with you and you just don’t understand how to please her.
What you need to do is to stop being childish and naive. Sit down with your woman and discuss how you can improve sex on your part. Show full support, attention and ability to listen. The positive results won’t make you wait long.
Also put in your own ass thoughts of “being the only guy who made her cum, etc.”
I don’t understand why people on this subreddit are so quick to accuse men of death grip but freak out if a woman is used to a different type of sensation just the same way. I’m speaking as a girl. It’s not certain that you just “don’t know how to please her” because many many women say that piv just doesn’t cut it for them and they need other types of stimulation, and you never said anywhere that you don’t provide that kind of stimulation. Maybe she really just enjoys the vibrator way more but its not fair to you to withdraw piv sex as that’s the “main” thing at least as a man. I feel like you really need to have a talk about your sex life and understand why she doesn’t want to do piv anymore.
Female here!
From someone who was unable to cum during sex (both fingers and PIV) until a vibrator was introduced, she is unfortunately limiting your sex life. Just as her enjoyment in your sex life would be impacted if you take away the vibrator, yours is impacted with her decision to not be interested in PiV. There can be compromises if both parties are able to talk it out and not shut down a conversation. However, both people need to be thoroughly invested in each others pleasure and enjoyment during sex for anything to get better.
From her side, she might be very into just vibrators because it’s a new sensation for her, so PiV isn’t that interesting. When I could not cum during PiV, my bf would use his fingers and the vibe to get me off before engaging in PiV. I ended up enjoying that because I was both thoroughly lubricated so it wasn’t painful, and I could be more engaged with getting him off during PiV. It took a lot of work, trial and error, but I can now cum from PiV with a vibe!
Try to talk to her about solutions that work for both of you. Maybe you both use the vibe and have her cum a few times before you go to town in PiV. You can do PiV then without the goal and pressure of making her cum that way, since that’s just not how she wants to cum, and that’s okay! Unless there are more physical or mental/emotional blocks that are causing her to not want to do it, it’s worth trying to talk about that way.
She’s being very selfish after you tried to spice things up for her. It’s not only about her getting off, both of you should be satisfied. Communicate to her that even if it doesn’t do it for her, it still feels good for you and that you’d appreciate it. If she still refuses then to me, she’s inconsiderate and doesn’t care about you. It’s up to you what you want to do from there.
You could also try to be better in bed for her to want it more but that’s only one sided effort. You should both be trying to please eachother. It shouldn’t be just one of you trying and the other just receiving and only bothering to do something only if it also feels good for them.
I know you said in the comments that you trust her that the orgasms were real but even if they were, maybe they weren’t that great and she experienced a more euphoric orgasm for the first time with the vibrator and previous experiences pale in comparison.
Did you try to use the vibrator during PiV?
Gonna have to be honest with you here bro. If that’s the case then she probably never did beforehand and was just trying to spare your feelings.
Taking PIV away completely would be daft anyway. Especially when you could do both!
I can’t climax without clitoral stimulation, it doesn’t mean I forego anything but clitoral related activity. PIV feels good, I enjoy it. Giving pleasure to my partner through oral etc feels good but won’t make me cum, I’ll still do it. . It sounds like she has just become fixated on orgasms being the goal, rather than the shared enjoyment of sex. It’s meant to be fun, intimate and enjoyable.
I think you’ll also have to face the reality that she clearly has been faking her orgasms before the vibrator was introduced. You definitely need to have calm conversation with her. It may be that she ends up quite a selfish lover, which sucks… But better to find out sooner rather than 10y down the line, married with kids!
If your hands are free while insidr her, you can use the toy on her. That is something i wish my ex would do but he was jealous of the toy and never did.
I dont know you or your partners sexual interests, but if you have a dom/sub dinamic you can use the toy to tease her and edge her until you are both ready. Discuss this with your partner first and see what they think. To me personally, it feels so much better to have something inside when i use my vibe, but she might have different prefrences. Good luck!
My wife takes longer with just me if we’ve been using the clit vibe for a while. NGL, they do the job more effectively than we can so she get used to how that feels rather than me. If she takes a break for a bit she normally “resets”.
Try a WeVibe, they’re a bit more pricey than a standard vibrator but so worth the money. They are like a U shape with vibration in each point of the U, they are used during sex to provide vibration to both the clit and G spot. We find its easier to put him inside first then manoeuvre the WeVibe in. It definitely brings a whole new level to sex for me (the female) and the stimulation of the 3 different sensations is incredible.
Outside of that, I think you might have to be brutally honest with her that this is making you feel like your wants and needs are not important anymore and that is affecting how you feel in terms of your connection as a couple. Sex is important for a lot of people to feel bonded and connected and without that smaller issues within the relationship can become bigger ones. It can be hard to be completely honest in these situations, but your sexual needs are important too.
Cock ring with vibration.
Sounds like you closed Pandoras box
You have been replaced
She needs to pursue your needs too. Vibrators are great. And sometimes I can’t get off certain ways sometimes I can. But if I’m only getting off with the vibrator I can assure you I’m trying to love on him too always with PIV, handjobs, BJs, whatever he wants and needs and likes too. We both just have to have a mutually good time. Plenty of times PIV won’t make him cum. But that’s okay. We take turns. We mutually pleasure. We just have fun with it whatever the other person needs.
It’s selfish of her to not also care about your needs and as long as PIV is not painful to her and brings some pleasure she should enjoy it with you even if it won’t bring her directly to orgasm. Try using both in doggie with her holding the vibrator. So many combos and possibilities. But don’t let this get in your head. I know that I have had phases of diff things that help me cum better and some days are even different from others in what I’m craving in that moment. It’s okay she can only cum with the vibrator. It’s even okay if she only wants to for this time. But it’s not okay for her to ignore your pleasure too.
There is nothing to fix. You don’t get to rewrite someone’s sexual preferences and interests to suit your own
I am from the club of “thank goodness there’s someway to get there”
Why couldn’t she just use a vibrator on her clit while you’re inside of her? Great sensation for both, you’ll both probably cum quickly, you get PIV and she gets her vibe. Win-win
So she cums well and really enjoys it.
Where’s the problem here?
Get over it.
Embrace the vibrator man. Utilize it as a tool not as an adversary.
Same for you man, butt plugs, flashlights, etc.
We as humans only place value where we feel it’s important. There is no right and wrong.
Try a finger (or two) in her ass during PIV and while eating her.
It’s best to get permission first, but some women are too freaked out by the idea of anal stimulation. I did it with my wife without talking about it first. It was only after many satisfying (for her) sessions that I felt comfortable even raising the question. She agreed to it.
I know how bad this sounds. I try to justify it by saying that it was ***all*** about giving her pleasure. And that we loved each other deeply and trusted each other (and we still do, decades later).
Had this problem. We came to a compromise after talking about it and she stopped for a month to let her sensitivity reset. Now she still uses it although not 24/7 like before
Never use toys.
It’s possible the sex was never good for her and you didn’t notice. She could have been lying and faking her orgasms. So now that she has this she has a lot of pent up resentment about the sex she missed out on.
> is there a way to fix this? Or have I opened Pandora’s box?
The only thing you can control is yourself. You can’t make her go back to PIV. You can only talk with her, and if she refuses PIV, you find a new partner.
How exactly have the conversations gone? Did you suggest PIV for her and she told you she prefers the toy? That doesn’t mean she won’t do it for you tho.
Did you mention that you don’t feel very wanted and you want her to put in effort to make you feel good too?
If she doesn’t care about your needs, leave. Someone else will.