Warning this might be a long post.
I am F20 and I am the only one out of all of my friends who is still a virgin. I am a chubbier girl, and I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. The last time I had a romantic relationship with a guy was when I was 17. Men don’t frequently approach me in public, and when they do I freak out 5 minutes into the conversation and make an escape. I recently downloaded Tinder as an attempt to put myself out there, and have received way more likes than I could have ever expected. This has made me feel good about myself, but also second guess myself and feel like a catfish. My full body is shown in pictures, but I am scared if I meet up with someone they will be disappointed. A guy wants to meet up and he seems extremely sweet, but I am just scared he is going to be disappointed. Does this mean I am not ready to have sex? I’m not scared about the sex part of it at all, I masturbate and know my own anatomy of course, I am just scared he won’t like the way I look when the clothes come off. I want to have sex, but I don’t know if I am just overthinking this stuff or not. Has anyone been through similar self doubt?
43 comments
You don’t have to “do” anything. You’re very young, you’ll lose it soon. It’s really nothing to worry about.
As a guy I prefer girls with meat on the bones. Loose it ONLY when you are ready. Not just because of your friends. This shouldn’t be a trend to you. No guy will ever be perfect, but it should be with someone you love.
You are overthinking with respect to thinking this guy won’t like you. He has seen your pictures and looked at your profile. Take this one step at a time by first going out on a date and seeing if the two of you have any chemistry. You will know when you want to have sex. Take your time and have fun. And always be safe.
You said you are a virgin so I will describe for you how sex works. This is counter intuitive but true, no matter your body type, you only get more sexually beautiful the more you take off clothes. So, if a guy found you attractive with clothes on, he is going to take a deep breath every time you take a piece of clothing.
Remove your top and remain with a bra – wow
Remove the bottoms and remain with panties – damn
Remove your bra and the tits are showing – oh, she is perfect
Remove your panties and camel toe is in front view – she will give me a heart attack.
In short, all those guys who liked your pics on tinder will like you more to see you naked. Send them nudes, they will jerkoff to them, meet them in person and they will jump you with no foreplay at all – something you should never do when losing your virginity.
I know, you were thinking that when you get naked your flaws show up hence you look worse and worse. It is the other way round.
This might not be what you are looking for but let me assure you chubby and fat people have sex too. I understand the issue here is a self-image one though and I think you’re likely too harsh on yourself as many people are. Some guys are very attracted to chubby girls so I think you’ll find the right person. It’s more just taking the first step that seems to be the issue here.
You’ll find someone once you’ve found yourself. Work on yourself to be the person you’d like to be, and the confidence that will result from it will attract many men undoubtedly 🙂
Guy here 23 and a virgin,dont stress it ,when its time to lose it ,it will happen ,focus on other things in life that you can improve till you find a guy worth giving it up for or for fun ,your choice but dont let it get to your head to much ,i used to let it bother me but not anymore ,i decided to focus on problem i can solve instead of worrying about something that will probably sort itself out when i meet the person who wants me like i want them
It’s quite simple really. One day you’ll get to know a guy and go out with him, talk to him, find out what he’s like and at some stage you’ll want to have sex with him and he with you. And then none of things you’re worrying about will matter.
When I was 20 I had extremely bad posture from playing PC games all day. My neck looked like an old turkey’s. Girls made fun of me for it.
It was extremely painful but I fixed my posture by stretching everyday. It took a long time but now my back is straight. I never worry about girls not liking my posture anymore.
hello! yes, i’m on the heavier side of the scale myself and i constantly doubt whether my partner likes me for what i really look like or who i really am. all i can tell you is that – it is a process and you’ll have learnt through it because it’s not easy since there’s always a part of you that’s thinking of things they might say or do to hurt you.
What matters is If you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re ready to do it, you feel like it and if you trust them and they make you feel safe that’s fine, do it safe & go for it!
another thing you need to know is that they’ve seen you and they’re an adult who is capable of making informed decision so it’s not your fault or anything like that, please be assured and do not overthink this. And you’re so young i’m sure everything will be okay!
Have fun!
The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard and that I wish someone had told to me when I was young was “don’t put so much pressure on yourself.” It will definitely happen for you if you’re looking, and it’s important to relax, don’t take it too seriously, and try to enjoy yourself.
Dating apps are always quite the gamble. A point in your favour; including photos of what you actually look like means you’re not “catfishing.”
It would be different if none of your photos included full body or face without makeup. Honesty will get you far, and there’s something for everyone out there.
And speaking of putting yourself out there, men have been documented to be more avoidant and cautious, and less confident or initiative when it comes to dating nowadays. Last thing any of us want is to get #metoo-ed. You may have to put in more of an effort, but if a guy sees that effort, he’ll be instantly more open to the idea or conversation.
Now; unless you’re one of those “sex=marriage” Uber-Jesus types, your first time will likely not be your only sexual partner. It’s especially true these days. Either way is completely okay; you have every right to experiment, and you also have every right to save sex for the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. Either way, communication is key. You probably don’t want to have first-time sex with someone and later get hit with the “okay, so should we get married now?” Yikes.
The most important thing out of all this though; stay out of your own head as much as you can, and do your best not to listen to your own self-doubt. We are all our own worst critic, and that little bastard never takes a day off. I mean, damn. I’m certainly no Hemsworth brother, but I have a very satisfying sex life. Oddly enough, the only problems come up when I start getting into my own head and worrying about things like the way my body looks. It may take some internal convincing, but it’s possible to push those thoughts out of your head. “Silencio Bruno,” and all that.
Keep calm, and fuck on. Good luck.
If you have full body shots then he knows exactly what he is getting. A lot of men like chubby/fat women. I’m one myself and it’s never been difficult to find partners.
I recently started seeing someone new and when I was talking to him he did make me question if he was aware of my size just because of a particular comment he made. I had to stop him and point blank ask “you *do* know I’m a bigger girl right?” He said yes and he’s attracted to all body types and for him it’s more about the person than their body. We ended up sleeping together and he definitely made sure to show appreciation for my body which made me so much more comfortable.
I don’t think guys you meet up with are going to feel catfished but if you want that extra conformation you can just ask like I did to make sure they are paying attention to what you look like.
Find a life
You’re definitely overthinking it. Take back ownership of your mind and body and love what you have. Gotta be at peace with who you are. You’re getting the likes for a reason, and you’re only 20 you’re still plenty young. Just enjoy life, stop worrying about looking a certain way or even having to impress anyone. Do what makes you happy.
Don’t have sex with someone until you are comfortable and trust them. Build a relationship first. You’ll enjoy the sex so much more than if you’re constantly in your head about your body image the whole time because you have no trust in the person that they actually like you.
As scary as it is, sometimes voicing your concerns around body image on text before hooking yo helps your partner have more information to make it a fun experience
Someone not liking how you look is their problem, not yours. Enjoy life and have a good time. People will see that and want to enjoy life and have a good time with you.
I’m 21, and was basically in the exact situation as you. Hadn’t even had a talking stage since 17, nervous on tinder etc. couple weeks ago I downloaded Hinge, a cute guy messaged me, I said let’s meet for drinks and then I liked him, took him home and we had sex for like 2 hours and I lost my virginity finally. It wasn’t scary, I’m a big girl but he made it clear he found me sexy and there was no awkwardness or anything. I would say if you’re truly ready just go for it. If it seems to intimidating, then wait till you’re ready. There’s no rush
Reading this feels like I’m looking into my own thoughts from a few months ago, I was literally in your exact situation and age (I’m 21 now). I’m also a very big, chubby girl who had never had sex before, but I consider myself very open to sexual experiences and felt like finally experiencing it.
I was traveling when I signed up for Tinder in a country where the beauty standards are some of the strictest and where most people prefer very skinny, dainty women. However, I had gotten so many likes and matches that I could barely keep up, this also made me excited as I’m also someone who never really gets approached by men. I didn’t expect for anything to go anywhere, but I wasn’t going to be in that country very long and didn’t want anything serious, so I was open to FWB, but I was so scared! Even though I’ve been working on myself about accepting and loving my body and seeing it as sexy, I still thought I might’ve been ugly to everyone. So, if we were thinking about hooking up, I just flat out told them that I’m a big girl (I soon also added a full body photo) and that I’m a virgin/very sexually inexperienced (this may be a good or bad thing to do depending on the situation, some men are creeps lol).
I did this so the guy knew exactly what he was getting into. Don’t ever fuck someone that doesn’t think you’re sexy, because I promise you there’s someone who finds you hot! I also mentioned my virginity/inexperience so there was no pressure that they were expecting some seasoned pro, porn star sex, you know? I don’t want the pressure to perform at that level yet because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing 🤣 Pleasing myself is no issue, but making sure I’m able to give someone else pleasure is more difficult, especially for the first time! The guy I was talking to had no issue with it and was very open-minded, so we eventually met up, had sex, and stayed in touch a little. With whatever you’re looking for, whether it’s a serious relationship, a FWB, or even just a one night stand, do not settle and always be with someone who is understanding and cares about your pleasure! I’m sure you’re overthinking everything, you just don’t know how sexy you already are! I completely understand why you feel that way though, I’ve been there before. It can be hard to love your body, so be easy on yourself and learn to accept your body first, then focus on actually loving it, and be consistent on affirming that to yourself (at least this is what has helped me). I think what also helped is that when having sex for the first time, it made me realize that I am sexy to someone else, so that is also a confidence boost.
In my opinion, I think you’re ready, you’re just super nervous! And that’s okay! Just know that you’re sexy and worthy of love and good sex! And I’m sure there’s plenty of people who want to share that with you 😉
Sorry for such a long ass post! I don’t comment much, but your post just resonated with me so much and I just had to share 🙂
Good luck and be safe out there!!!
Try not to stress about being a virgin, your first time will come, based on what you say people obviously find you attractive.
If you don’t like your body change it, start taking note of how much you eat, you don’t necessarily need to join a gym if you’ve got enough space to do a pushup you have enough space to workout. Be patient and don’t give up it will take time but it’s satisfying to see the progress. Finding a sport you like to practice will make this easier.
Find a man who likes bigger women – there are plenty out there (usually larger men). If you want to have sex you’re ready though it’d be better with the right person.
There is something for everyone. Even if you don’t care for how you look(I believe everyone has some level of body dismorphia) somebody out there likes that type. Work on your empathy, personality, humor, intelligence, and charisma. That’s what I find attractive. Long before any body type. It’s always nerve wracking your first time. Try not to be in your head so much.
This was me 3 years
ago , aww!!! I used to be very insecure about my body and was a virgin. Take the chance!!!! I met my boyfriend off Tinder and only met up with him because he was very open and sweet over text. I took the chance and right now he’s sleeping still next to me in bed. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!! We’re going to get married one day. I am no longer as self conscious as I once was, because I have someone who loves me and finds me beautiful and shows it in his actions.
What u have is special.Keep it like that until u ready .
You are a woman, your virginity is an asset not a drawback, at this point you could capitalise on it actually
You could lose weight and at that point be pretty much the best pick for a lot of men looking for something more serious
You can then just say virginity is for religious reasons or personal choice, and that will give you a lot in the eyes of those men
Also id try to avoid dating apps, just meet people even if its way harder, dating apps arent designed to find you a partner, they are designed to keep you on the app. Men get left sad and more lonely than they were and women get flooded with so many options they dont know what to do with all of them. Noone there is smart and looking for anything meaningfull (i say that as someone that looked for something meaningfull)
As a male I didn’t lose it till I want 22, but most guys I know worry about there body and performance..
I was considered a “skinny hot girl” but I didn’t have sex until I was 20 either.
People always wanted to hook up but never date me and I didn’t want to have my first time be with someone who didn’t at least care about me. I wasted a lot of time (like a year) on one person who wanted me but didn’t care about me.
When I found the first right person, who really cared about me, I was 20 and I felt comfortable doing penetration within a couple weeks. I realized it doesn’t take a whole lot to make someone feel safe and cared about. I will be forever grateful to that person for just that. But they were not the right person for me in other ways.
I met my now husband when I was 23 and we have been together for 14 years. We’ve had 2 kids and I’m not longer the skinny girl and have gained a lot of weight but he is still attracted to me and we are still in love despite the challenges of having young kids, the pandemic, etc. When you find the right person, becoming intimate will feel right. Don’t be afraid to go out with people but keep it public until you feel safe being alone & possibly getting intimate! Good luck! This is completely normal and you will be just fine!!
As I write this it seems crazy to me that I was in my first sexual relationship like that at 20 and met my husband only 3 years later…time surely changes as you age!
You’re over thinking it! You are putting sex on a pedi stool. Just let it happen and go with the flow
You will lose it when you’re ready. The time will come. Dont force yourself to lose it because you may regret it.
OP, I don’t mean to come off as rude, but you said you get approached in public? As far as I know, as long as they are respectful, that’s a sign of attraction.
If they flee after 5 minutes it’s not because of your body, it’s because of something you do. Maybe they expect you to act more interested in them but you are stuck thinking you aren’t attractive and don’t flirt back.
I am 23 and I am a virgin. There’s no age to lose your virginity, just enjoy life, don’t worry about those stereotypes
If you’re really worried about that but feel you may be interested in the guy, I would just say be upfront about your concerns with him.
I was in a somewhat similar situation not too long ago, starting to date after many years of nothing as someone who is on the bigger side. I went through alot of different situations and spent ages worrying and anxious about my body especially when it came to clothes coming off. Dont get me wrong im still insanely insecure and haven’t fully learnt to accept everything with my body but im getting closer.
Now granted there will be people who are a-holes, not genuine etc but there are plenty of people who enjoy larger bodies or simply dont care. From what youve said you have not hidden your body in profiles so just be confident (even if that means faking the confidence) and be direct if it comes up and anyone who says something bad or is rude isn’t worth your time anyway.
Lastly, if youve met, had a date etc with someone they know when clothes come off that its going to be a larger body! I understand the point, ive always hidden behind my clothes. Have that conversation with the person before getting intimate and find solutions to help you gain confidence whether this be having dim lighting to not feel as exposed, keeping some portion of clothes on (say a skirt staying on or a tank top that stays covering your mid section) and so on.
Never feel like you should settle for less, or that you will never find what youre looking for, a good partner should be able to have these conversations with you about what each of you need to feel comfortable and confident and shouldn’t push for more than you are ready to give.
36 M here and still a Virgin, you are much better off mate, so don’t worry about it.
Sex and life, in general, are more enjoyable when you love your body. You won’t be in your head as much. A caloric deficit and cardio are your friends. I’m a bigger girl trying to get into the best shape of my life. I’m just cutting fat right now, but eventually, I want to be jacked. Do what will make you feel good!!
Lost my virginity at 28 (right before my 29th birthday), you’ll be fine and you’ll think this was a dumb thing to worry about a few years later…
It helps to pretty much just own everything that makes you think you suck…You can do this without becoming a twatwaffle…
I’m 19M, still a Virgin, IDC. What ppl think, it’s my choice to be a virgin, just have better things to focus on, IK the time will come for me eventually. So don’t feel like you need to rush anything.
Male here: lost my card at 20, first kiss and lost virginity same day. Started a long term relationship with a different girl the next week. Felt like I started so much later than my peers and that it would never happen for me but absolutely no regrets. Feel like the only downside for me was that I kept seeking sexual validation well into adult hood. That was probably just a lack of self awareness though.
I don’t think sex should be your goal. Sex is just a natural progression of intimacy, and if you would like to be intimate with someone its probably better to take your time getting to know them since sex can also bring a relationship to an abrupt conclusion when engaged in prematurely.
I don’t know what you look like but i do know that some men really do sincerely prefer heavier girls. Fat vs thin is Not the same thing as beautiful vs ugly, there are lots of gorgeous large women and there are lots of ugly skinny women. So lets not jump to conclusions based on one aspect of you. Also love and romantic interest is Not a beauty contest. Making a connection with someone is about vibing with them and having like a similar humor and mutual interests and taking the time to know someone and care about them and care for them.
You lack of confidence in yourself sounds uncomfortable so i think you should stop. Easier to say than do, but I propose that the only thing that’s been standing in your way is your belief that you are not worthy. You are worthy of joy. You are good enough. You are sexy. You are fuckable. You are worthy of love and admiration and kindness.
There are things you can do to feel more pretty: makeup, a dermatologist visit, get a tailor to fit some of your clothes better, wear some lizzo looks, go dancing, get your hair blown out, etc
Aaand all that is self love and self care and can help with your self confidence
… but love is not a beauty contest..
if you want a lover who will treat you like you are worth caring about you must first believe its true
Listen here, luv.. it’s like I was reading about myself.. seriously. Chubby and virginal. ALL my friends had done it. I used to always say ” I’m gonna die a virgin”..
But babe… I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re still young!
Don’t rush it..
The year I turned 21 I met a great guy and 1 month later no longer a virgin.
Best believe I made up for it, too.
Don’t rush. It will happen.
Lots of guys like chubbier girls! He knows what you look like. You posted full body pics. I know a lot of media tries to claim that chubby automatically equals unattractive, and I wonder if that’s gotten into your head. If that’s the case, I am here to tell you that it absolutely doesn’t reflect reality.
Quick comment, hope its helpful – it seems like such a big deal but honestly afterwards, you’ll realise it’s not 😊
Good luck!! Watch out for men – they’re wankers.
Signed – a man 😊
You have no idea how many fit ppl or average ppl I met that preferred chubbier girls. And sex is more spacial if you wait till you find someone who really cares about you. Don’t rush it, it’s not great the first few times. You’re very young and many ppl I know are in their late 20s-30s are still a V. So don’t stress about it. Good luck and stay positive