We’ve (27F) and (32M) been married for a year. Together for around 7 years. I’ve spoken to him before about how I feel when he gives me zero foreplay and how often I don’t cum. He seems to care, and I truly think he does, but in the moment when he’s horny, he’s only thinking of himself.
His definition of “foreplay” is rubbing my body (like my back) for a few minutes. Literally feels like he’s just going in a big circle on my back. I don’t have other sexual experiences other than the guy I lost my virginity to (somewhat of a SA situation that I hate thinking about), but whatever he is doing is not turning me on.
I’m not turned on, yet I’ll still have sex with him to give him a good time and hope that I’ll get horny in the meanwhile (and sometimes I do!).
He doesn’t know how to turn me on. He tries to rub my clit, but almost always rubs the wrong area. When he’s on top, his weight crushes me to where I have trouble breathing. He always changes his rhythm when I’m close. When we kiss, he never uses tongue like we did when we were dating.
I have NO IDEA how to bring this up to him anymore. I’m afraid I’m losing my attraction to him sexually, but I love him so so so much. He is my best friend and I want him and no one else. But I’m scared I’ll never have a fulfilling sex life. I also feel like maybe I just have a really low libido, so I’m noticing all these things that turn me off.
I do find him attractive (obviously otherwise I wouldn’t have married him) but he has grown out a long beard I don’t like and gained weight. I feel awful for even saying that.
How do I talk to him about this without hurting his ego?
Any advice would be appreciated!
8 comments
Don’t know if it’s in you but possibly you can be a bit more forceful during his “foreplay” and moving on to the sex. After he rubs your back and then tries to get into you, tell him something like “No, not until you eat me out for a little bit”. Don’t say it forcefully like an asshole but more in a dominate nature.
Maybe doing this and “forcing” him a bit to be better at foreplay it’ll hopefully have him notice how much more pleasure you are getting and it’ll stick with him.
You say he does genuinely seem to care but just loses that idea when the moment hits, and I can understand that because once things start happening sexually the mind can get clouded, but he does need to know how important this is to you.
This might not be the best advice but you’ve seem to have used the communication part of the problem solving and now it’s time to take matters into your own hands.
Your guy may be after instant gratification, but it’s also possible that he never learned that [foreplay is an essential part of sex for a woman](https://tpi02.wordpress.com/2022/09/29/foreplay/) — and enjoyable for a man. Perhaps, too, he doesn’t even realize you aren’t fulfilled by your sack sessions. Tell him (when you two aren’t in the throes of passion) that even though he may be good to go before his pants hit the floor, you need him to take it slow. By taking the time to get you worked up — with a tantalizing mixture of kissing, licking, teasing and touching — not only will you get more out of the experience, but his orgasm can be intensified, too.
Hopefully, he’ll heed your advice, but if he still tries to go from 0-60, remind him to slow down. Say something like “I’m not quite ready yet. I love when you touch me here. Will you do that some more?” Then take his hand and place it where you want it. If you’re not comfortable being that direct, try a more playful approach and tell him that you want to play a game where his challenge is to get you as wet and aroused as possible. The rules: He has immediate access to every inch of your body, but may use [only his hands and mouth to touch you.](https://tpi02.wordpress.com/2022/09/29/cunnilingus/) Encourage him to linger at your favorite hot spots by being vocal when he’s rubbing you the right way. When you’re so aroused you can’t stand it anymore, give him the [go-ahead to slip inside of you.](https://tpi02.wordpress.com/2022/09/30/thrusting/) Once he sees the results of his efforts (a horny-as-hell wife), he probably won’t want to forgo foreplay in the future. But, if he doesn’t try to change him wham-bam ways after you clue him in to your carnal needs, be patient and try again.
Do you find yourself wanting other guys?
You’re going to have to utilize the best friend card and communicate with him about it. That’s what best friends do. Best friends care about making each other happy. But the onus is on you to care about your pleasure first. He doesn’t know what you don’t tell him. Your body is like a canvas, but not everyone is an artist. Some people have to be taught to draw. Are you willing to teach him about what you like? That means speaking up, advocating, moving his hand to the right place, telling him what does and doesn’t feel good, etc. The quality of your sex life is literally in your hands, and when you are ready to share, it will be in his too. You avoid hurting his ego by telling him what you want. Make it about you and don’t let it go until you get what you want.
Why don’t you try something different like teasing each other during the day (teasing touches, more than innocent kisses, dirty talk during the day here and there) and then when you both are at the same level I’ve had enough of the teasing today you go for sex.
Or try him eating you out or you giving him a bj with no obligation or intention to continue into sex. Get back to basics just do bj or/and he’ll just eat you out and you’ll both get your fun without that needing to get to sex. Or just show him gow you want it/him for example…straddle him while you both have clothes on, grind on him while kissing his neck and whispering what you want him to do to you, make it dirty talk while saying what you want and need.
Most importantly 👏communication 👏 express your desire, meet him in the middle,compromise,experiment all of the above but most importantly don’t neglect your desires just because he’s neglecting them, make it clear to him what you want and if he doesn’t compromise and make an effort for you there is a problem that needs to be solved not ignored! 🖤
You need to have a conversation that isn’t during sexy time. Let him know what you’re missing from y’all’s sex life. Have a few sessions where y’all explore your bodies together and how to satisfy each other without PVI.
What have you said to him already? You don’t really say what conversations you’ve already had or how you have approached him.
Really the best thing for you is to stop him in the moment as tell him what he needs to do to please you. If he starts rubbing you back take his hand and move it to your breasts. If he starts rubbing your clit wrong take his hand and show him how you line it rubbed. If he tries to enter too early close your legs and tell him you’re not ready. Straddle him and tell him you want to just kiss a bit longer until you get aroused.
If it’s still not happening then it could be a libido issue. If he cannot be patient with you while you try to show him how you like to be pleased then the man is the problem and what you chose to do with him then is up to you.
Oh man, do I ever empathize. My ex fiancé would suggest sex and then lay on his back and wait for it to get started. I desperately wanted to be stroked, touched softly, and I asked for it multiple times and he’d do just like your husband, sort of rub his hand on me a couple of times and stop. I *love* kissing, kissing passionately is a huge turn on during sex. I asked why we didn’t kiss anymore, he said he only really likes it at the beginning of relationships. I asked for more makeouts, he made the barest effort then stopped.
Like you I’d just get to the sex and hope I’d get turned on enough for it to be comfortable. (It sucked because I DO have a high libido and want sex! I just wanted a little interest and effort too!)
Honestly, it was one of the big things that ultimately led me to exit the relationship.
You need to sit your husband down, not during sex, and tell him point blank that you need these things, otherwise you don’t enjoy sex. Demonstrate how you want it done. Have him do it to you in a not sexually charged time so that he doesn’t get distracted by his own orgasm and forget you.
The one thing I wish I’d done differently in my relationship was be more assertive. Yes, I asked for what I wanted, but i took his disinterest for an answer. I didn’t tell him HOW important it was to me. Only when I found it elsewhere (we were in an open relationship) did he start to care, but by then my resentment and frustration had calcified and I was on my way out.
Don’t let it build up for you. Be honest and assertive NOW