Hello everyone –
I’m a 28F dating a 30M for going on 5 months. He and I hit it off immediately pretty much every way that 2 people can hit it off, but I’m self sabotaging the relationship and wonder if it’s past the point of no return.
My wonderful SO does not have anxiety, and I do. I am not on medications, but generally have been fairly well managed and never want to make it my partner’s problem. Unfortunately in the past couple of weeks, I have done that more than I intended to.
Last month I told my partner I loved him for the first time – accidentally – while falling asleep. I didn’t know if I had said it or thought it afterwards so I brought it up sort of, and got confirmation that I said it. He said at that time he was not freaked out by it, and that he was “headed in that direction” but clearly isn’t there yet.
Since then, my anxiety has been through the roof. I keep having these thoughts of “what if he never gets there,” “what if there’s someone out there he *could* already feel that strongly for,” etc. I haven’t pressured him into saying anything and in fact I’ve explicitly stated it’s fine if it takes him longer, I want him to be sure and say it when he MEANS it, not when I want to hear it – but I’ve also had moments of anxiety and have brought up my concerns (above) – he reiterated that his feelings are developing, he’s trying not to repeat past mistakes, etc.
Well, within the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt like he’s said less nice things/compliments spontaneously, which he used to do pretty frequently. Sometimes I think he’s less affectionate, and last week he seemed to want more time to himself (but did still want to see me). He’s still texting me good morning and good night and throughout the day, he met my mom a couple of weeks ago, and we’re still having really good sex very frequently. He’s still treating me kindly.
However, in the past 5 days, we’ve gone through a pretty rough patch. I had really overwhelming anxiety last week which spilled over into a long discussion with him one night wherein we talked about how I feel like I like him more than he likes me, how I’m noticing subtle behavior changes, and how I basically need more reassurance verbally if he’s going to want to spend less time with me. We left the conversation with an understanding of what we both would ideally work on separately to make ourselves and the relationship better. He said he thinks we will figure it out, and things ended on an optimistic note. Importantly – I also scheduled an appointment with a therapist for this past weekend because I realize I’m having a lot of unproductive thoughts and behaviors I don’t want to keep dumping on him.
Saturday we saw each other again, I was in a funk, and we got into a small disagreement Saturday night wherein I basically said I don’t feel very fun the past few days and asked if he wanted a break. He said no. I realized Saturday I was being really difficult, I apologized, and we went to bed.
The rest of the weekend was more or less good and normal, and I left his house this morning.
I’m currently just a little somber because I know I’ve been pretty difficult to deal with for the past 5 days, and while, when I ask questions, he gives me a good answer, I can’t help but feel that I’ve created some distance and I don’t know if we can get past it. He insists he wants to keep going, that his feelings haven’t changed for the worse, and that he’s more sure of me than he has been with anyone in a long time “maybe ever,” but his actions don’t quite line up. He’s been ever so slightly less physically affectionate, less pet names in text messages, less flirty in text messages, and sometimes I feel like he’s phoning it in to see if the feelings are fixable, and I don’t know what to do about that. At this point I think talking has just made things worse, and continuing to talk isn’t helping either of us. I want reassurance in the form of him being flirtier or more affectionate, but I know I haven’t been very fun to be around, and I also don’t want him to fake it and hate it the entire time. I guess what I want to know is, has anyone’s attraction to their SO waned temporarily early on and if so, did it bounce back once that person got the issue under control? Or, am I just reading too much into every behavior and creating this weird dynamic that makes it less natural to do those things like he used to? Should I be worried that his feelings are changing and he’s not ready to admit it? How can I go from being very anxious and making trouble where there shouldn’t be any, to being fun and carefree and likable again?
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**TL;DR: 28f dating 30m for 5 months – accidentally told him I loved him, have been low key and sometimes high key freaking out since, have created lots of issues specifically in the past week when anxious, needing lots of extra reassurance and basically not acting very fun or likeable at all; boyfriend insists he doesn’t need or want a break, that I’m overthinking, but his actions are ever so slightly different (less affectionate, less compliments, less flirtatious) – is this a side effect of me being difficult recently that will resolve if I get my shit together, or is his attraction to me ruined and he’s just not ready to pull the plug on things? I started therapy, but what else can I do in the meantime to help things return to “normal”? Has anyone ever experienced this and come out ok in the end?**
7 comments
The issue isn’t the relationship, it’s you. You need to get a hobby or some friends. You come across as VERY needy. This can turn guys away. The best thing you can do is find something you love that doesn’t involve him… and do that thing and take your mind off him.
If he sees you finding happiness on your own without him… and sees that you want to SHARE happiness with him (as opposed to seeking happiness from him) the relationship can progress.
Having someone who’s happiness seems to be dependent on you feels like you have a kid instead of a partner.
>Or, am I just reading too much into every behavior
This.
It’s good that you’re going back to therapy. Hopefully you can get some specific, targeted advice that can help you pull out of this shitty feedback loop you’ve gotten yourself in before too much more damage is done.
You gave him an out. If he wanted it, he would’ve taken it. If you don’t trust him to tell you the truth about how he feels, why do you want to be with him anyway? I think you hit the nail on the head saying you’re self-sabotaging here. You are going to drive him further from you if you can’t loosen up a little bit. You should definitely pursue therapy – someone to talk to that you can dump these thoughts on who isn’t your boyfriend would probably help your relationship a ton.
> I am not on medications, but generally have been fairly well managed and never want to make it my partner’s problem.
It sounds like you’ve created a bunch of coping mechanisms around you in order to do well with life, but now that you are in a relationship, this is stressful for you, and there are more things that are outside of your control ( specifically, a whole new person), and therefore, all of your coping mechanisms failed to address. So all of this anxiety and everything else has been going through the roof because you’re coping mechanisms don’t work here.
The way I see it, you have three options.
First option is to let your anxiety get the best of you, continue to self sabotage and the relationship will take its natural course and you will be single and happy again in no time!
Or, you can try to beef up your coping mechanisms but the problem is that this is a very slow process, it is exactly as slow as it takes to get to know him while getting to know yourself while wrestling with your mental health. So, the relationship will continue to be quite bad while you try to fix yourself without getting help, and this can be a years-long process even for someone who is trying with every ounce of try that they have. But not everyone can wait that long in a relationship for the other person to be ready to be in one.
Option three is take the speedway and phone up your mental health providers and you get going with fixing up all of those things that you have been delaying, so that you can be the best version of yourself, so that you can be the version of yourself that is ready to date and ready to be in a relationship. No one ever said you have to be on a medication for the rest of your life. You might only be on medications for as long as it takes your brain to remember how to chemically correctly.
Surprise! It sounds like you found out that you kind of aren’t ready to be in a relationship right now because of your mental health. Whoopsee
Your feelings are valid. There’s nothing wrong with having some anxiety and it is possible that it has pushed him away some. But after 5 months of a relationship dating doing whatever you guys are doing and and even sleeping together and having sex by the sounds of it love should be on the table by now. I would be worried too at this point if there isn’t genuine feelings then what is going on. Anyhow it is time for communication we should have already been there you two need to sit down and talk it out and be open about your feelings and discuss them . I would not give ultimatums however if things are not going a certain way then they’re not going a certain way.
You need to be you. Your feelings and thoughts are your own. And no things should not be forced. But you do have a right to be curious and ask questions and know his feelings and where he is at , and reasoning if there is any.
I could’ve written this months ago. I was in your exact same position before I found out about relationship attachment styles. I have an anxious preoccupied attachment and that spilled all over my relationship. My relationship didn’t survive and I’m not saying it’s too late to save yours. The thing to note was I was out there being triggered to the max and was communicating my need for some sort of reassurance and he just wasn’t willing to compromise. He had all but ghosted me right at the end of the relationship and I was also at the end of the rope by then.
Honestly, I would recommend therapy. Also, if you could look into Thais Gibson’s youtube videos about attachment styles. She has helped me understand myself and the core wounds that led to my programming. It was too late for my relationship when I found all of this out but it might help you.