For context, my previous relationship is over and the more I read and learn the more I think our “honeymoon phase” was really him “love bombing”. For example, within the first month of exclusivity he asked if I wanted to get matching tattoos. I thought he was kidding but couldn’t really tell. Theote I think about it though, the more it seemed like a comment that he could easily turn into “just kidding” in case I did not respond accordingly. Additionally, everywhere we went he was handsy, not just holding hands or arm around me, but grabbing and groping in public. We even went to a protest together and he was extremely handsy there. It got more confusing because he would list all of the things we would do together in our future (gym partners, festival and concert partners, sporting events, wedding dates etc) but the longer we dated the less we did. Several times during the relationship I felt I was straining for connection. We had many conversations about the disconnect and how I felt he was not available. Normally this would be a sign that the relationship is ending but he genuinely thought things were great and I was the “easiest” person he had ever dated. For me it was stressful, a bit unnerving and sometimes like walking on eggshells. He used to surprise me with ice cream “just to see me happy” and I would cook him dinner for the same reasons. As time went on even asking for his opinion on a sexy dress I was wearing was met with shouting “I don’t care!”. That exact scenario occured right before a wedding we were going to together. He did not try on his suit in time so we had the best time bouncing between stores finding him something that looked nice +literally 3 hours before wedding start). He asked my opinion several times and I was happy to give it. His explanation is that helping with fashion decisions is something I like to do and it is unfair to expect the same from him. He is being honest – he doesn’t care. I just wanted to look sexy for the only guy I cared about at this stupid wedding – him. The wedding was stupid because it was at a venue I used to work at and it was for people I used to serve in a previous housekeeping life. The people were great, but it was going to be EXTREMELY awkward walking into my old work place and seeing my coworkers cleaning up after an overly extravagant wedding that we used to make fun of behind the scenes (not that extravagant weddings are “bad” it was more our way of coping with very intense event stress – imagine bathrooms post drunken wedding parties). I tried to tell myself that the honeymoon phase dissipated and the comfortability phase is normal so my anxiety was probably telling me a false narrative. As a side note, he later was diagnosed with autism. It’s one of those things that I have been grappling with. Wondering if I would have just been more empathetic to the way he viewed the world, but I digress.
That’s said, love bombing is a term I’ve seen thrown around a lot and labelled as a “red flag”. However, I’ve also heard people talk about the honeymoon phase and how that is “normal” and for people who have anxiety or avoidant tendencies this comfortable stage can feel unnerving. How do you define it? Have you experienced love bombing, the honeymoon phase or both? Im not in a place to move forward yet, but when I am I want to be aware of the difference, or at least not confuse my anxiety with real life relationship issues.
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Way I see it, “honeymoon phase” is mutual affection from both people, while “love bombing” tends to be one sided, andusually is not reciprocated by the other person (at least, not very well).
Some of this sounds like “future faking” though I’m not sure if these things overlap. At the end of the day it’s the old concept of talking the talk but not walking the walk. Most people on earth talk bigger plans than they ever carry out. In this instance it becomes manipulative bc of the relationships dynamics at play.
Love bombing refers to a manipulative tactic where one person overwhelms another with excessive affection, attention, and gifts in an attempt to gain control or influence over them. It often occurs at the beginning of a relationship and can lead the recipient to feel flattered and emotionally dependent.
The honeymoon phase, on the other hand, refers to the initial stage of a romantic relationship when everything feels magical and perfect. During this phase, couples are often deeply infatuated, experiencing intense feelings of love and passion. It’s characterized by excitement, mutual admiration, and a strong emotional connection. However, the honeymoon phase is usually temporary, and as the relationship progresses, the intensity of these feelings may wane as the couple faces the realities and challenges of a long-term commitment.
Love bombing is when someone goes over the top with attention, compliments, gifts – but the person doing it is very insecure and is not coming from an authentic, genuine place. The person being love bombed may or may not be into it. The honey moon phase is when two people are really into each other and enjoy spending time getting to know each other (beginning of the relationship).
Live bombing. It’s when someone seems to drop everything for you. Everything.
Saying things like can’t wait to see you and so on is normal. If they start trying to be with you every second, gifts every time, so on. You may have an issue. If they also use the words love you and stuff right away. It’s a warning.
I use a certain line to gauge interest. I always say I can’t wait to see you before the second date. If they reply with similar eagerness it’s great. If none as in they ignore the comment but kinda plan the date (they are usually emotionally unavailable) and if they reply with something wayyyyyyy to over the top. I know it’s love bombing or another issue. This falls with the Good Morning, Good Night, Yada Yada level of crazy early on. Especially if it’s pre first date.
Love bombing is usually pair with future faking
Someone early on saying things like
“We will make a perfect couple”
“You will be my spouse”
“I am going to take you everywhere”
“You’re my twin flame”
When someone like him lovebombs, he likely believes it. Lovebombing is grandiose. If you listen carefully, it’s ALL about him. You’re so easy to be around. That’s a comment about what he’s gaining, not on intimate knowledge of you. Not every compliment he gave you was love bombing but combined together, I’m sure it got your guard down. There is irresponsibility tied in with love bombing. Getting tattoos that early on reflects that. It takes about 3 months to really know if you’re compatible, but that depends on how much you are with each other in person. It takes 1,000 hours with someone to even be able to decide if really trust someone.
This guy has major self control issues and that’s a whole other problem.
The honeymoon phase is simply the high attraction due to the newness of the relationship.
I think it’s sometimes hard to tell the two apart, when you’re into the other person and in the honeymoon phase yourself. I was dating a guy recently that was overly keen, at first I thought it was just him being unfiltered and honest. He was autistic also and I thought that might be why he was so direct. But in the end he lost it with me for being emotionally cold and not wanting to move the relationship forwards in line with what he wanted. Despite the fact that I had explained many times previously that I wanted to take things a bit slower than he did (at the time he was fine with that) So I guess you’ve just got to be aware that at the start you can be vulnerable if you really like someone and that if you are both on the same page and it is harmless that is the honeymoon period, but if one of you is jumping ahead and being over the top with moving things forward in a way you know is too much that could be love bombing.
“Honey moon phase” you do all the things you usually do for your partner, but more often and with bigger intensity. You are still you but the most intense ans nice version of you.
“Love bombing” you do all the things you can to show love, things you will never do again after ” getting the prize ”
For me “gifts”, “montages”, flowers and saing I like you a lot are all part of the “honey moon phase”, I did them regularly during all the relationships I had even after the honey moon phase (less of them but still regularly).
Staying quite in a parque with them, maybe closer to “love bombing”. Something that is very hard for me to do while in an actual relationship. (I’m trying to improve of this)
For me, love bombing has intent usually. It’s an attempt to win someone through words and actions, that aren’t based on genuine feelings or beliefs.
To me that’s different than someone who just rushes in, often from their own insecurities, and might genuinely feel those things but has no self control or perspective. It’s not much better than live bombing to the recipient, but it’s less malicious.
And if two people are caught up in the latter, you’re highly infatuated. To me the honeymoon phase is a bit later when it’s been consistent enough to go on for a bit.
And I think it’s ok to be that way, why not be happy as long as you’re careful? And I think that’s a good way to express yourself when in that state. Like this is incredible and I really hope it keeps going like this.
“The longer we dated the less we did”.
Boom. That’s how you know. If his words and actions don’t line up? Byeeee.
Source: my dad is a love bomber and has been married four times, and that’s his MOVE — all the promises in the world, none of the follow through.
Love bombing is a manipulation/influence tactic. What happens is the manipulator shows lots of affection and uses that as a basis to try to convince the other person to do something they don’t want to do. It should be pretty obvious to an outside observer, especially someone like a therapist or counselor.
Based on what I read, I think he had just impulse control issues, and then when things got a little tense because of that he might have overcorrected, and him not caring might mean he doesn’t know how to move forward. That makes even more sense to me given the autism connection (no official diagnosis for me, but I’m 99% sure).
If that’s the case, then the way forward is communication, setting healthy boundaries, potentially some couples’ counseling. Just another pair of eyes on it.
Wow I swear you are dating my ex! Very similar experience I had. And in the end I broke up with him because I couldn’t handle the random switch to being SO cold after the “love bombing”. I also really felt like he may have been on the spectrum.
1st month is the love bombing phase
2nd month is when you start honeymoon
3-4th month reality sets in (mostly for the woman)
Love bombs are designed to lure you in right away to trap you from the beginning honeymoon phase is when you get to know someone over time then disagreement happens and you don’t feel trapped as you work things out. Love bombs stop just as quick as they begin
I think the love bombing always makes you uncomfortable somehow, even unconsciously. But then you just think “well, this person likes me, so I’m staying”. It’s easier for the other person to manipulate you when you don’t have a backbone. The honeymoon phase is just genuine and a calm moment between two people that like each other.
Generally, I’d say that the honeymoon phase is slow, peaceful, secure, confident, considerate, and trusting (both parties want to take things slowly b/c they’re invested in helping the other become the best version of themselves and in safeguarding their heart).
VERSUS
Love bombing –“exciting”, lusty, “passionate”, oriented around getting your early commitment and trust and **very**, fast-paced. Why move slowly, thoughtfully, carefully, and considerately – as with honeymooning – when you really don’t care about the other person, since they’re disposable? And when you want them b/c they either check boxes (‘and I’ll have my fun on the side’) or they’re convenient in their lack of expectations?
Ways I’ve seen each played out in my life –
Love bombing:
– ‘**I love you’ w/i one month** (‘I’Ve NeVer SaiD tHis to AnY oNe So SoOn BeFoRE’).
– LOTS of early but **low-value** quality time (e.g., 7pm – 4am mostly talking, some making-out)
– No dates, but lots of physicality and charm and words of affirmation (I understand this could flip flop and someone could bomb with a lot of gifts/money-oriented).
– Pushing you to meet his family and friends early on (w/i 2-3 weeks)
– **Prompting you for a relationship within 2 weeks before earning your trust/letting you fully see red flags and get you to commit early.**
– Mirroring your views and long-term ideals
– **Pushing physical boundaries** (yes, as bad as opening the door to my room the first time he was over when I asked him not to).
– **Your friends and family sense that he’s there ‘for just one reason’ and/or see other indicia that he’s shady.**
Honeymoon:
– Slow, both a bit nervous about messing it up (unlike the love bomber – b/c s/he could easily move on).
– Consideration and thoughtfulness
– Neither person tries to cut corners
– Feeling at peace
– No intrusive thoughts/internal voices nagging at you (‘he did X, why did he do X, that’s not great, well, maybe I just don’t understand him enough yet, should I be concerned about X? If it wasn’t him I’d be concerned about X’).