Ok, so I’m going to try to make a very long story a reasonably short post
I grew up very conservative and have a lot of baggage about sex. A few years ago I started to realize that my views were changing, I made a few attempts to break out of my shell but had limited success, its been a hard few years and there were months at a time where I just had to shelve the whole attempt as I had other stuff I had to focus on. Most of my attempts were online, basically just getting to know people and testing the waters with sexting type stuff and getting more comfortable with porn and masturbation. Ive always watch porn and masturbated but its always been something Ive been ashamed of.
however I’m in a better place now, and Its started to weigh on me again. I’m tired of pretending I’m some asexual blob of a person who doesn’t feel or want things. I’m tired of feeling like a bad or shameful person for wanting to something as simple as rub one out.
My main issues are:
I feel ashamed or bad when I’m attracted to a woman, I’m literally afraid that she will think I’m a creep if I’m attracted to her at all.
I sometimes struggle to open up and talk about things that are sexual. I can joke around about stuff fine, but talking about my actual life or desires causes me to kinda clamp up.
What I want:
I really wish I had a community where I could kinda just….full scale let the walls down. Talk to people where everyone was very open sexually, and very understanding of where I’m coming from. Where sexual stuff isn’t considered something to keep private or hush hush. Where its just an part of life. Honestly I probably want to be TO open at this point.
The sexting type stuff I had , I guess it could best be described as flings but helped a lot. I think just, doing things, and putting myself out there is the best way to learn to enjoy it more, or to deal with the emotions. But I Just want to be allowed to feel the insane array of emotions I sometimes feel inregards to all the sexual stuff. I’m not really sure if I”m ready for anything in person, I still sometimes feel like crying from shame when I masturbate. I Feel very broken, If I’m being honest. I also don’t really want a romantic relationship to explore this in, cause while I would like an emotional component, I want to be able to grow and try new things with new people.
I’m sorry if this post is kinda a mess, or rambled. I’m trying to explain a lot, and there is a lot going on. I’m also in therapy for some of these issues.