Hi, so this is something I’ve been struggling with a lot. Almost two months ago, I finally made the decision to break up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years after about 4-5 months of thinking about it due to several reasons. My boyfriend, who has been the most loving, selfless, kind and caring human had one big addiction he has been struggling with for a while: porn and sex addiction. This is something that he struggled with for over a decade and led to him divorcing his ex wife before he met me. It’s so crazy how someone can be almost so perfect but then have this one secret that is so heartbreaking to a relationship. After on and off struggling and me finding out about his lies (he never cheated on me but dabbled in only fans, etc), I decided I deserved better.
I also have only been in long term relationships throughout my 20s. I have never been single more than 4 months between my two long term relationships. I’m about to turn 28 and I feel like I could be experiencing so much more! I’ve only slept with 6 people and for someone who is really sexual, this feels almost like a waste. I want to delve into my independence and really get to know myself outside of a relationship. A lot of people around me say I should go on a break but we all know a break ends up being unfair to one person. So I just broke up with him. Except now we talk everyday and our emotional connection is still there. I don’t know what to do. Do I just get back with him because we deeply love each other? Or should I carry out the breakup, let him heal and work on himself and me go out and explore? I miss him so much and he is truly the most loving partner who would do anything for me.
It just sucks because now that I know about his addiction, I don’t know if he will ever truly get better. He says he’ll do anything for me, but when it comes to this addiction he has had for so long, can he really nip it in the bud? Am I making a huge mistake by running from a good man?
4 comments
His addiction is not yours to fix. There’s nothing you could’ve done. It’s his issue, and you’ve stood by his side for a long time.
Love is wonderful, but relationships need so much more than just love to prosper.
Congratulations for making a decision to live for yourself!
As a former sex/porn addict, I feel I can speak from certain perspective. I have destroyed relationships because of porn, sex, and affairs. I am not proud of these things but I am happy to report they are a part of my past, and not my present or future.
I am aware of the death, tragedy, and loss that goes wherever addiction goes. I am also aware of the recovery, blessing, and health on the other side.
So my very first thought here, is this: Even if all other parts of the equation were taken away, the one part that must unequivocally be dealt with is the sex addiction. No, there hasn’t been actual physical cheating, but if he’s giving time, money, effort to the addiction (and believe be he’s giving a lot), he’s not fully present for you, and that in and of itself is not fair.
What woman wants a man who’s 40% committed to her? even 70%? Addiction is currently in the way of this man being fully with anyone.
For that reason, and that reason alone, he should not be in a relationship with anyone until he puts enough work into himself to attain at least a certain level of sobriety. He needs to get into a recover program.
You mentioned the emotional connection is still there. I will add a word of caution, using my own life as an example. What you are experiencing is who he can be when he is not in active addiction. And he seems like a wonderful man. But addiction will kill, steal, and destroy until it is dealt with.
In terms of your desire to experience independence and sexuality, it is an exciting time. You’ve never had this opportunity before. My advice: Trust your own instincts and explore what feels right for you. It’s ok to prioritize your own happiness and growth. Navigating the journey of self discovery should bring you joy. Have fun!
What do you mean by addiction, he choses porn over you and it impacts your sex life because of it?
Sounds like you’ve made your choice, you want to go have sex with other people because you think you’ve missed out. Yes you’ve maybe make a mistake but if you don’t do this you may also build up resentment because you didn’t do it, there’s also no way of knowing until after the matter.
Lol kinda wild you judging his sex/ porn addiction but you had desires to sleep with other men while with him. Do you think he would like to know that???