I pushed away lots of people as a teen and was constantly negative and suspicious. I never partied, went to concerts or had boyfriends, or did anything fun growing up because I was constantly afraid of everything and thought I wasn’t good enough. Mostly I was a hermit. I drove people away with my pessimism and was basically just draining to be around. Overall I wasn’t that nice with the tendency to lash out at people. With age and time I’ve tempered my more negative traits with empathy.
I’m now 29 and have managed to make some friends, traveled, partied…..but they’re not close friends, or friends I would trust with my life. Although my life has largely improved it’s also getting more painfully obvious that I missed out on an important part of life. Everyone has their own established social circles, inside jokes, shared interests. I’m struggling to connect intimately with anyone, plus most people aren’t that desperate for new friends because they already have longtime friends. It really hurts. I feel so lonely. On top of that I’m an only child and my mom passed away last year. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad. Also when I make friends with people I feel like a pathetic fraud, like I’m just playing catch up.
4 comments
Hey! There’s nothing wrong with that. You may have missed out when you were a lot younger, but it’s not too late to create bonds with people today. You are not alone.. I myself suffer from depression. And sometimes you just need a listen ear. Honestly, in this world, not all people they call “friends” are actually friends. They are just social acquaintances. In order to make a friend one must actually be open to one another and see if they are comprehensive enough to stand by you no matter what and in times of needing space a friend will actually do that. They won’t just cut you off for being such a pessimist. Anyways I just want to let you know that dwelling on the fact that you didn’t experience as many things as others is not going to help. Stay in the present and create what you can Now.
I have felt the same way. You articulated those feelings beautifully. I think that just your being that much more self aware will gradually have more friends wanting to be in your company. That’s how I see it.
You missed a lot of early things. So now you can make up for it and make those memories now. I complete my early stages of life all the time by doing what I missed.
Indeed that intimate feeling you desire takes a long time to build and I mean a long time. All I can say is that continue developing your relationships with others and in time you shall reap your reward although it is going to be hard.
What is perhaps better is , I could be wrong, try to find a more stable relationship in the form of a romantic partner perhaps. In theory I see romantic partners as being a good potentially stable relationship and perhaps one should pursue that.