What I mean is, when you meet someone new (colleagues, customers, anyone really) do you let them know fairly quickly that you aren’t as socialized and could they please be aware and patient with you?
It’s always when I’ve run into someone, or when another person strikes up conversation with me at the bus stop, that I immediately start getting worried that they’ll think I’m incredibly rude or strange, so I want to preface them so they are aware. Are there any handy phrases or sentences you use?
I’m still learning how to socialize properly as I wasn’t able to as a kid as much. I was always around or with adults but they never spoke to me or included me in things. I didn’t have friends at school and was always by myself. Only bullies noticed me from time to time, so again, there was very little opportunity for me to learn social skills. I now live in another country where basic manners are of high importance and I barely know how to hold a conversation, or know how to reply appropriately. So I’m lost and desperate for how to develop better skills as I’d like to try new things here and cannot.
I hope that makes sense.
23 comments
No, and i would really recommend not doing that! It colours their perspective of you before they even get a chance to know you. if you didn’t say that, who knows if they would have noticed?
I feel like it prevents you from forming actual connections with people since they’ll be paying extra attention to your slip ups.
Only if you tend to bite people.
absolutely fucking not
As a rule of thumb don’t ever preface anything. Socializing is messy and chaotic. You can be good at it on accident and bad on accident. Just do your best. A lot of people suck at socializing
No, that’s showing weakness.
I did that once. Told the new group of people I met that I had social anxiety. All it does it make you look like a weak bitch who can’t handle themselves, and you’ll get treated as such, in my experience. (I’m a guy)
No. Most people are going to be quiet or scared anyway when you meet them, just like you are. You’re both in the same boat. I didn’t become super comfortable socializing until I got tired of being a hermit and started hanging out in the nightlife. I gradually began having great nights and after a while I picked up on being the life of a party. I could talk to anyone, anytime, about anything. It’s an inner change that’s real, not performative.
I think that your behaviour will create negative image in front person instead listen more talk slowly just try this
I hadn’t looked at it from any other perspective but you all have given me a lot to work on. Thank you. You’re all gems 😀
No. That would be pretty cringy.
No. It paints me as awkward and lacking social skills.
I recommend reading some books or watching some clips on YouTube about developing social skills. As a first step. It takes practice.
I’ve moved around a lot and what’s socially acceptable in one place, wasn’t in another. Watch closely those around you and follow their lead on stuff.
Nah. I wouldn’t. Just be you. I guarantee the other person isn’t analyzing what you’re saying half as much as you are. They’re likely to busy hyper analyzing what they’re saying.
I heard something that helped put things into perspective. Think the rule of 5’s when you feel like you bombed a conversation. Will the other person (and you for that matter) really care what you said after 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, etc?
It takes a lot to truly rub someone the that badly
Honestly I usually do if it’s like a one-on-one thing 😅😅 But plenty of the comments here say don’t. I think it just depends on the areas of your social skills that are lacking. Everyone I’ve mentioned it to has been nothing but kind and patient with me. I even had a group of friends at one point years ago that taught me how to host people at my house and normal social interactions for people in our age group and area.
I had a rough childhood, didn’t grow up with siblings or friends, spent most of my learning-how-to-socialize years in the hospital, and I’m partially deaf so what even is communication lol. Being able to transition into adulthood with people like that really helped. I also had really understanding managers at my first adult job that encouraged me and taught me how to deal with stressful clients, because I threw myself into a field in which building rapport/client retention was the main focus — I realized I had a problem and forced myself to HAVE to talk to people lol. I don’t think I would’ve had such positive experiences if I wasn’t honest about my lack of social skills. My managers knew they were taking a risk in hiring me and I made immense progress under them because they were aware of my shortcomings.
Anyway, if it comes up, I don’t dwell on it with a whole explanation about why I am the way I am or try to use my upbringing to “justify” my lack of social awareness. “I don’t really talk to people much” or something along those lines is just what I mention and then just keep talking about whatever. No one has ever really fixated on it, and it’s never caused problems for me.
That being said, I won’t go around announcing it to complete strangers, just because it’s kind of a waste of time when we’ll probably never see each other again. I just tell people that are important or that I feel like I’ll be crossing paths with again; these days it’s almost unnecessary for me to because I’m at a point where I kind of just don’t care much to maintain friendships/relationships. Ironically it’s given me a sort of confidence in talking to people because I’m no longer nervous about whether I’m “fitting in” or not.
I also understand the risk that you take when you try to explain your social skill levels. People might treat you differently, judging you based on those first few interactions. I think this is something you have to consider in individual cases. There are people that embrace shy/introverted/socially awkward people. Maybe try finding clubs/gatherings about things that you’re passionate about, so you can go in with the confidence that you know the topic/activity and have a direction for the conversation to flow. You can make friends there, then maybe hang out outside of the activity. Then you can be like “I don’t get to talk to people much these days, so thank you for letting me exercise my socialization muscles” or something idk lmao.
If the manners you’re expected to have are specific to the country you’re in, immerse yourself in the media of that country as well, like movies/books/reality shows to get a better understanding of how and why people there treat each other a specific way. You can people-watch at a a bar or cafe, or also just make an acquaintance and outright ask for help with transitioning into this new life. Mirror it for a bit until it becomes your norm. You can always fall back on being new to the country if you make a slight social error.
You don’t have to change who you are at your core to get people to accept you. I feel like “fitting in” is just about tweaking your public filter a little. I think people are much more understanding than we assume when it comes to bits of awkwardness.
Fuck no!!
I wouldn’t, people will judge you before they get to know you. People are unfortunately mean and not understanding.
OP, lots of good advice in the comments. But when it comes down to it, you don’t owe anyone a warning that you might be a little nervous/weird, its not burden you have to bear. I’m willing to bet money you don’t expect that from anyone else. You’re worth more than that. You’re allowed to hold your head high, talk with people that’ll listen, and learn from your experiences. If you end up being awkward sometimes, it’s not a liability or a danger to others. You likely notice your own anxiety / potential messups 1000X more than anyone else in the room, and the thought of others’ messups/anxiety probably rarely cross your mind.
Just ask them questions
No, and you shouldn’t. It makes people feel awkward, they don’t know how to respond.
If you find someone you know and trust, you can tell them that. And even ask them to practice with you, which is immensely helpful. Or ask them to be your social wingman: they can be there and watch your interactions with others then discuss how it went afterwards. And intervene if it’s going terribly and you’re drowning under the pressure.
But keep it to yourself with strangers. It’s not their business & could actually be making those conversations *more* awkward, depending on the person. At the most, you could laugh at yourself if you make a mistake and say “Sorry, I’m still learning the local customs” and leave it at that.
Mostly, don’t be afraid to be awkward! Especially with strangers. If you practice & learn with a bunch of random people, then you’ll feel more confident for important conversations with people you actually want to impress. Talk to people like the cashier at the grocery store for practice. It will eventually feel more natural. 😁
A good rule in life is to regain from apologizing before you’ve done anything wrong. This feels like it falls in that category. Be yourself, relax. Some people will like you others won’t. Even the most socialized people in the world have people that dislike them.
Keep making connections and learning.
From my experience, no. People like to see you being confident, and saying about your weaknesses is against definition of being strong (imho society thinks so), because you can easily be bullied/laughed at by those, who are more confident and strong.
So, “fake it till you make it”.
Good luck, it’s tough to be in your situation.
This worry of yours is just another insecurity and it doesn’t mean anything. What’s actually meaningful is when a good hearted individual would tell you that you’re bad at socializing. Everyone has some kind of insecurity constantly but these are nothing people vocalize.
On the part of training socializing, this is something people do constantly. Even those best at socializing always learn by speaking more.
So my tip is to stop overthink and worry. I have severe social anxiety as a diagnosis however it’s not severe anymore. What I did to not worry is that I started thinking of them as the one not reciprocating well instead of blaming myself constantly.