My bf (23) and i (21) have been dating for 4 years. In those 4 years he’s done ALOT for me and had to deal with my mental health issues. Everytime he did something (small like buy me candy or big like gift me earrings), he ALWAYS says “i deserve head” or “i really earned head”. I came forward and explained my disgust towards giving head and he just hits me with “it’s clean. I haven’t peed. I can shower.” or whatever.
Sometimes went so far and said “but i give u head? how’s that fair?” which i told him, he does because he wants it. Not because i asked/begged for it. I’m at the point where i refuse to let him give me head because he’s gonna ask for himself afterwards.
My opinion isn’t gonna change on it. It’s gross to me and what’s worse is, that his “thing” smells really f-ing disgusting all the time+he’s a cigarette smoker. Just imagine the bad diet.
This begging has turned me off so much that there’s no sexual activities going on at all since a few months, which makes him even more aggressive and triggered. He mentioned once that if this isn’t gonna change, he can’t continue this relationship because he “needs” it in his life.
Sometimes he just shoves “it” in my face and like i mentioned, it stinks. Happened before in my sleep as well. I don’t know what to do anymore. I gotta admit, i myself have no real interest in touching it. Yes, I’m 100% straight. Just no high sex drive and more of a cuddly person.
The relationship overall is amazing. I truly think he’s my soulmate and apart from this issue, we match with everything. No serious fights, no disrespect…he cheated 3 times over his phone, but i forgave him, because it was pretty early into the relationship.
Since i can’t talk about this with my family or friends, I’m asking strangers on Reddit for advice.
37 comments
He doesn’t need head and it’s disgusting to see it as something he’s earned. You either need to put your foot down and say it’s not happening and accept he may leave over it or leave yourself if he’s keeps asking.
I enjoy giving blowjobs to a partner but if a guy said he’d earned it or something along those lines that would be an instant turn off.
No serious fights? No disrespect? Sexual incompatibility is definitely the cause of serious fights and him not acknowledging your boundaries and shoving his dick in your face is definitely disrespect. To be honest, you guys are doomed. Just walk away because he will always resent you and will cheat (if he hasn’t already). I hope you told him his dick stinks š¤£ He needs to know this.
He sounds absolutely awful. I donāt understand why youāre with him. Should have used the cheating (3 times!!) as an excuse to get outta there
if his dick stinks that bad and heās still *only offering to shower* (š¤¢), any kind of sexual intercourse – foreplay or otherwise – should be off the table for the sake of your health, as poor personal hygiene increases the risk of STIs substantially.
*The relationship overall is amazing*
No, no it is not. He isnāt respecting your boundaries. You said you donāt like giving head. He insists he needs it and expects it as an act of gratitude. Honestly, I donāt see him accepting this as a boundary. You need to let this guy go.
He isnāt your person.
You are sexually incompatible. This is something he likes and expects. You donāt like it at all.
Leave. š©·ā¤ļøš©·ā¤ļøš©·ā¤ļø
I can’t blame you for finding it disgusting. Honestly when you put the theory behind it it honestly is. That being said if you haven’t tried it before you may actually enjoy it. And somethings are enjoyable with one person where they where not with another.
Now every relationship is give and take so if this is something you don’t want to do then give it stipulations. Look at your sex life and see if there is something he doesn’t want to do that you do. and then give him the trade off. It’s not about equal acts (head for head) it about equal desires. (I don’t wanna for he don’t wanna)
Smoke smells. I’m sorry girl I find this a poorly built excuse. His package smells disgusting? yes good reason. it’s not the smoking because that smell comes from every part of their body. Even for months after they stop. That smell is disgusting and it doesn’t matter what part of the body you smell it’s there. So if it’s the smoke smell then it’s his entire body that smells disgusting. (Honestly I can’t even date a smoker because of the smell)
Edit also if he keeps forcing it on you that isn’t respecting boundaries and you need to talk to him about boundaries
As soon as any aspect of a relationship becomes conditional, or used as punishment or reward, then that relationship has failed.
Once, a girl said to me āyou donāt get to fuck me tonight. You havenāt earned itā.. and I broke up with her there and then. I explained to her that Iām not a child, Iām not a dog, and that relationships arenāt mediums for sexual bartering, control or manipulation.
Saying and doing shit like that is psychotic. Seriouslyā¦
You should pleasure each other in a relationship because you enjoy it, because you want to make your partner feel good, share your love.. not because they earned it, or deserve it.
This is what’s called “sexually incompatible”
He didn’t earn shit. He doesn’t need to do anything except respect your boundaries. Anyone who forces you to do something you’re not comfortable with is not someone you want to be with. Get out and find someone who respects you.
Certain aspects may seem amazing, but overall, the guy sounds like a dud. It also seems weird that after you said it was amazing, you threw in that he cheated not once but three times, which doesn’t sound like an amazing partner to me. And as others pointed out, he has issues with boundaries that don’t sound like they are getting better with time. My advice: move on and find a guy who knows how to take “no” for an answer.
Jesus Christ…. A dick should not stink, wtf is he doing? Putting it in your face without your consent is SEXUAL ASSAULT. He’s not some saint for “dealing with your mental health issues” and he’s not your soulmate, this is a trauma bond.
This is a joke right? Cause WTF?!
Freaking leave!!
Heās not entitled to sexual acts and he doesnāt need them. Heās also forcing this on you,thatās called sexual assault. This man doesnāt love you and this relationship is not amazing.
He cheated on you 3 times but heās overall amazing? Girl, what the fuck? Re-read your own words in this post, and then explain how you arenāt running for the hills. Jesus Christā¦
*Ex boyfriend. There I edited it for you.
there’s so much wrong here lol. yall shouldn’t be dating at all. no sexual chemistry, and dude tried to force head which is a bit grapey tbh. and if you’re so grossed out by him and don’t have a high sex drive etc maybe find someone who matches your energy bud. this relationship isn’t really a relationship at all. so just forget about it and find something else
At first I was gonna say that you two should sit down and talk about sexual needs and desires because some people truly do need oral sex to begin having intercourse at all but this is boreline manipulation. He only gives you head so he can use it as leverage to make you give him head which is manipulation. Plus everyoneās junk has stuck at one point but what gets rid of that stink is hygiene. Itās it is always stinking then he lacks hygiene and I donāt blame you for not wanting to put your mouth anywhere near that thing or and I doubt this one he has a medical problem thatās making it stink..Bruhh I just completely read this post, bruh your setting yourself up for failure here. Hes cheated on his phone three times but yet your claiming heās not disrespectful Bruhh what is more disrespectful then that come on dude you canāt be this naive
he shoves it in your face while you are sleeping, especially when you’ve made clear that you do not want to do it. how do you actually believe he is your soulmate? he does not respect you girl RUN
Heās trying to coerce you into sexual acts you donāt want to and even shoving it in your face. Thatās assault. Thatās not an amazing relationship. You also say heās aggressive. Thereās a huge amount of disrespect in shoving your dick in someoneās face and trying to coerce them into sexual acts. He also cheated on you not once, not twice, but three times. He does not respect you. He may act like it at other times, but all of these signs are huge signs of disrespect.
I hope you get out of this relationship and can look back in a few years and be glad you got the hell out of there.
Honestly the title was enough for me to know heās not someone you need to stay with..I havenāt even read the rest yet
It’s his fault for continuing the relationship this long, he should have let you go several years ago if he wasn’t ok with you not reciprocating oral. I kind of think at this point you both should part ways because you can’t fix him and it won’t get better. Stop kidding yourself and trying to justify staying together and move on.
A soul mate would understand you and not cheat on his phone. Sounds like you’re holding on when you should be letting go.
Ok first Iām sorry but your is not amazing if you have to say it. Second, your man should always respect you and never beg or throw it in your face that you get head but he doesnāt. And respect that you arenāt in to giving head and not put his dick in your face. Third, if it stinks that is bad! Not only for him but for you too. Think about your vaginal health. For the sake of your sanity and sex life you need to get out of that relationship and move on. There are plenty of men who will respect you and who will treat you better and whoās dicks donāt stink! You are so young. Do not waste your life on this man trust me! I wasted 11 years of my life on a boy! Once I got out and found out sex is actually fun my sex drive sky rocketed cuz I too used to only be a cuddler. And I am sorry to say again but if he cheated early on in the relationship he is still doing it or he will end up doing it again. I wonāt say all but once someoneās cheats the chances of them doing it again is high.
Sexual incompatibility: Check
Sexual Harrasment: Check
Lack of Hygiene: Check
Serial Cheater: Check
GF was underage when relationship started: Check.
​
Ah yes. Truly a gem of a guy. You guys just aren’t compatible. Dump the idiot and move on – you’re both going to continue being miserable about this. Find someone who doesn’t need head as badly.
“I truly think he’s my soulmate and apart from this issue, we match with everything. No serious fights, no disrespect…he cheated 3 times over his phone, but i forgave him, because it was pretty early into the relationship” – that my dear is a contradiction š No soulmate would ever cheat, you fooled yourself into accepting that š Having said that, in my humble opinion you two are sharing a connection that is meant to be only a lesson for the both of you and nothing more š Your lessons are your own and I would not dare trying to impose any of them onto you, you must realise them yourself. But what I can do is to clearly communicate to You that his behaviour is disgusting, not acceptable and is to be condemned. You my dear are being pressured for a sexual activity that from the bottom of Your heart You do not want. That is abuse š You do not deserve that and please, truly think about what I’ve written. This seems to be a karmic connection sadly š Take what You want from what I’ve written and make a choice that is best for You š I cheer for You and wish You all the best š
Let me get this straight.
He has cheated 3 times (that you know of), his dick stinks š¤¢, he is coercing you for oral and going so far as to stick his dick in your face, AND only does nice things in order to get said oral (manipulation).
Why are you still with him? What are you doing? Have some respect for yourself and dump him like what???
You don’t earn it. Nor does a guy need it. Humans need food oxygen. Never need a BJ. He’s lying piece of shit.
He buys you shit to get sexual favors is kind of like him and a hooker imho.
Dump him.
Other than simply not being sexually compatible, the whole situation is toxic and he’s a real asshole. You can do better. Tell him he now has the freedom to get as many blowjobs as he “needs” cause you’re out.
You two are seriously sexually incompatible (and he sounds like a dick)
Just break up and save some time – you can find someone with a similar sex drive that wonāt cheat on you.
No disrespect, except for the sexual assault and the cheating… I mean, he’s probably not going to get any better, but you do you.
Y’all need to box it up and move on, because this doesn’t get better.
Here’s the thing; on the one hand, it is INCREDIBLY shitty for him to behave this way. It IS however, true that people with incompatible sex drives don’t work in the long term. It is also the case that people with certain kinks to an extent need to express them. It is ALSO the case that partners tend to appreciate each other more when people just want to do things for each other.
Again, fuck this dude, he shouldn’t act this way, however, at the end of the day, you need someone who moves to your rhythm, and he needs to shut the fuck up and move onto someone that moves to his.
Ok so besides the cheating because that’s a reason for you to leave him. He likes oral sex and gives it to you, and you don’t mind getting it but hate giving it. You’re just sexually incompatible, and honestly I would leave you based on that. Successful relationships are about keeping each other satisfied and emotionally fulfilled, if either party can’t put in the work to do that, things will start to go awry. That’s why there are so many single ppl, we’ve developed a selfish relationship culture of “what can my partner do for me?” without understanding that it goes both ways. Find someone that thinks giving you head is disgusting as well and see how that makes you feel, maybe that’s what you need to be happy
He shouldnāt be your boyfriend anymore. Dump him.
āNo serious fights, no disrespectā¦ he cheated 3 time over his phoneā
Tell me where this makes sense?
Are you kidding ??? āNo disrespectā yet thinks he earns head, cheated, and shoved his very much unwashed smelly peen in your face ????? GIRL WHAT. Youāre not compatible āin spite of thisā youāre not compatible BECAUSE OF THIS!
There’s no future for you guys. Sexually, you guys are incompatible. The stinky dick thing doesn’t help.
Just break up you guys donāt sound sexually compatible this is gonna continue to be an issue you can find someone else to cuddle who wonāt shove a stinky pp in your face.
I would say leave this relationship. Itās not healthy for you and your overall health I know youāre 4 years in and donāt want to leave since you love and care about him. You need to look at the facts here though, youāre being disrespected in your relationship. Heās not respecting your feelings, boundaries, and he just seems like a douche from this perspective youāve given us. Youāve expressed how you feel about giving him a bj and he doesnāt care. Secondly, he thinks that giving you little gifts counts towards his good boy chart and he ādeservesā a reward. Heās doing these things because he thinks he will get something out of it aside from your love and devotion, this is not okay. He should be doing these things because he loves and cares about you and believes you would really like whatever he found like earrings or candy. Plus, the fact that he cheated 3x early on in the relationship is a pretty big red flag. Even if it was over the phone, through messages and never physical itās still cheating and I wouldnāt be surprised if heās still going behind your back. You deserve better, I really hope you see that.
If itās been like this for months or even years and he has not changed or tried to then I donāt see this working out in the long run. You could try couples counseling perhaps and see if that helps any. You can always make a pros and cons list, one for the relationship, one for him and one for how youāre feeling and see if that helps your decision as well. Iām hoping for the best for you, trust your gut.