My SO and I have been together for 11 years and have lived together for the last 6 years. Our relationship has been mostly platonic, we have sex ~1x every 1 to 2 years. We are affectionate in that we kiss and cuddle but that is really the extent of our physical intimacy. I am not ok with this. I desperately want more sex but my SO has a stressful job which my SO says makes having sex physically difficult. I have been understanding and I don’t hold this against my SO but I am still left wanting more and I’ve been becoming increasingly more upset because of this. This has been a point of contention for us for the past 5 years which my SO keeps promising will get better but hasn’t. Up to now I have accepted things the way they are because other aspects of our life are going well and we live relatively comfortably. But I keep asking myself ‘is this it?’ This issue has made me quite depressed as of late and upsets me a great deal to think that this is how its going to continue. Is this worth ending an otherwise good relationship? Am I over prioritizing physical intimacy? I’m worried that I’ll regret ending this relationship. We are not married and have no children. I am 32 years old.
4 comments
You could always invest in sex toys. Or ask them to use their PTO to have week long fuckfest.
This is a personal decision and everyone’s answer is different. But since it’s making you depressed and upset, I think you’re feelings are trying to tell you that for you, you do need more. And that’s ok. Sometimes two people just aren’t compatible.
Well, you have a few options. Is nonmonogamy or you getting your needs met elsewhere an option they’d be willing to discuss? Have you two been to couples counselling about this, or has your SO made efforts to reduce their workload (not just for sexual reasons, but if it’s taking that much of a toll on them then they deserve some rest in general!)? Given that they’ve said things will change but haven’t made moves towards anything I think counselling is necessary and it would be worth figuring out what you want and need and will do if nothing happens in the very near future. You’re not overprioritizing this, it’s a need for you and that’s ok. Mismatched sexual compatibility is a reasonable reason to leave a romantic relationship if sex is a core element of romantic relationships for you
Physical intimacy is a foundational part of a satisfying relationship and you will be increasingly miserable and resentful if you stay together in your current configuration. It would be one thing if he still made an effort even every couple months but YEARS?!?! He can’t decide unilaterally that you don’t get to have sex for the rest of you life. That sounds so hurtful and I feel for you. I hate to break it to you but he is not going to change if he hasn’t after 5 years. If he is open to nonmonogamy and the rest of your relationship is truly good and healthy then you might be able to salvage this, but if not then you really owe it to yourself to experience the fullness of your existence. That means having sex! Sex in your 30s is the best. People actually know what they’re doing 😂