The guy I’m seeing and I made plans to hang out yesterday. We didn’t set a time but we knew it would be after I got off work. I texted him when I got off of work at 3 asking when’s a good time to hang out. After two hours of waiting to hear back from him I was scrolling through Instagram and saw that he liked a mutual friends post that was posted thirty minutes prior. He then eventually texted me back an hour after that saying he was too tired to hang out but we could hang out tomorrow (today). I texted him saying “I totally get it, but you couldn’t have texted me that earlier? When you text me so late when we have plans it feels disrespectful of my time.” And then he said “I know. I’m sorry. I knocked out after I came home. I will try my best to be timely with the responding back on time. Wasn’t trying to disrespect you” And I said “I know you weren’t trying to. I appreciate it.
It’s just I saw you liked (redacted name)’s post when I was scrolling through Instagram but you still hadn’t texted me back. It just didn’t feel good” and he said “Sorry babe. I’ll try my best to make it up to you :)” and then I said “Sorry babe? It doesn’t feel like what I’m saying is being addressed” and he said “Idk what do u want me to do then?”.
Then he called me and I just told him why I was frustrated and that I’m sure he would be frustrated in my position. I also said that It feels like my feelings are just being swept under the rug and that I don’t want to see him if it’s going to be this way. And then he just said I don’t know what to say. Then asked if I still wanted to hang out tomorrow (today) and I said no.
Am I overreacting? Just the responses he was giving felt off and like he couldn’t care less. I haven’t heard from him all day.
36 comments
He sounds like he doesn’t give af. Plans are plans, generally people stick to them
Well, it happened to me with some girls the same. I was writting to her and she would respond after hours.
Of course, I understood everyone when they give at least a reason “Hey, I was busy doing X or Y” but, big BUT, if this thing repeats, please bear in mind that no one îs too busy to respond.
Hell, I was giving short texts even in my meetings if I saw in the bar that it requires an immediately answer.
Solution? Dump him, my opinion. I don’t bother to much with people too busy to bother with me.
You’re reaction is totally justified! That guy is a ween.
I can’t fucking stand when someone Does that to me!
Totally overreacting and you know this.
1. He’s not bound to answer your question/text in a manner you see fit.
2. You seem controlling
3. You also seem a lil crazy. I mean, he liked a picture on Instagram and it looks like you think he should have replied to you first. Why? Also, you time stamped his like and went back to see the time you sent a text…..smh
4. If I was him I’d take these as warning signs and stop dating you.
Not overreacting at all. If you made plans and he wanted to dip he could have just said and not lied.
This feels more like a compatibility issue. Some people are genuinely very casual about plans and dgaf about other peoples time. This is a maturity thing which some people either get or don’t get.
Also he doesn’t seem to be addressing your frustration at all and seems to be infantilizing you with the “I’ll make it up to you babe :)”
F that. I wouldn’t keep seeing him if I were you.
You do NOT deserve a fickle person that acts that way. Your response is mostly justified but I would have personally taken a second to collect my thoughts before getting angry. Giving too much negative energy back and sometimes backfire and can ruin the mood of the day. It’s better to let a short response of ending the relationship if this is a repeat offense and let silence be the learning hint for him.
I was dating someone for a little while and they would nap when they got in from work. I thought that’s ok. But every single conversation was spread out with fifteen minutes to an hour between each message and the excuse was always “you know I nap.” I’m like, so you nap the entire night on and off? No real answer. Like they would start a conversation and then just not come back to see my answer for an hour. It my favourite, we’d shrieky have a bit of back and forth and they would just leave mid conversation and not come back online until the next day and think nothing of it.
Now I know I’m a bit clingy but i didn’t feel like I was asking too much from her to actually have a conversation that took less than three hours to get past the”how was work” stage
Those plans tomorrow will never come. People like that like the ego boost of having someone to talk to and someone who wants to make plans with them but they’ll never follow through.
>Then he called me
Do more of this. Everyone, do more of this. Texting isn’t a style of communication that requires instant response. Someone may be busy, they may put their phone down and not hear it, whatever. I have my phone on do not disturb most of the time so I can miss notifications even when using my phone.
If you’re talking about something that *needs* a quick response just phone them. If they don’t answer, you know plans aren’t happening. But a conversation that can take hours piecemealed together over hours can be taken care of over a minute or two over the phone, and there’s no uncertainty about if you’ll get a reply because you’re actually talking to them.
>“Idk what do u want me to do then?”
He sounds annoying, I would have been pissed off too. But I also understand this response from him. And while I don’t particularly want to defend this guy… based on what you’ve written here, I actually do think you’re overreacting.
I mean… you called him on his bad communication, he gave what reads like a sincere apology where he acknowledged why you were annoyed. Then after you responded again, he apologised again and he said that he wanted to make it up to you. Then you wouldn’t let it go. So yeah, having already apologised and said he’d do better, what was he supposed to say at that point?
Sounds like he’s super flaky and disrespectful of your time. Find someone better
Save yourself the headache. If he wanted to see you he would had proactively texted you. And would be genuinely sorry. He’s not, he’s making lame excuses.
You deserve better.
Well yeah you sounded very sensitive But Its better just not move forward with someone like him.! It was definitely his fault and i dont think he is Sorryy for being such a Douchebag
been there, done that. dont give him any energy if hes not willing to respect you and your time. talking from experience, if he was genuinely interested in seeing you, he would find the time to send you a text (that literally takes seconds to do) and would actively show interest. don’t waste your time
The truth is he doesn’t take you seriously. It seems like a casual dating. If he feels like it he will go see you and if he doesn’t feel like it he will make an excuse why he couldn’t see you. I would just distance myself from him if I were you
Have you considered He could be … well .. knocked out after he came home ?
liking a post or replying lenghly to a plan is not at all the same workload.
I can totally understand Your anger. When we are not treated the same way that we treat others it can be truly frustrating. You behaved impecably and actually adressed the issue to him. You did not stay silent and did not let yourself be disrespected. I am proud of You 🙂 Sadly, his response brought to the surface the fact that he is probably less empathetic than You and therefore is not capable of understanding the root for Your issue. He also seems not to treat his words with respect and thus not be a man of his word at times, which is another issue. Although it can be taught in time, the most important question You have to ask Yourself is: do I want to stick around and teach him myself or leave it to life and move on ? It is not wise to immediately erase the connection whenever there is an issue. I do not know him but he seems to be a good person, just a less empathetic one and not as principled. In long term however that will be a true problem and unless he works through that, I don’t see you two having a happy relationship in the future. The question still stands: are You willing to teach him that or are You leaving ? Are what you two have right now worth fighting for or not ? If not, ending the relationship would be the best choice because you two are a mismatch in terms of compatibility. It can be changed in time but it will take real effort from both of you. I cheer for You and wish You all the best 🙂
It was dead before you even called and over reacted. He doesn’t like you that much. Sorry.
The disrespect is intentional and he wants to get a reaction out of you that’s why the nonchalant “sorry babe, I’ll try my best to make it up to you :)”
Please please don’t do that same mistake I did and get rid of him now. I dealt with a guy who did this exact thing, even on Valentine’s Day, which hurt me so bad. Even after 5 years, he hasn’t changed and still pulled the same shit from time to time. If that’s not enough, when I would be upset he would get angry at me like I was in the wrong. And like this guy showed you, he didn’t address the problem or give a sincere proper apology
Not overreacting… He needs to address his trope of not validating people’s feelings… And stop being an asshole about it
How would you want him to react? He apologized multiple times and said he would fix it.
I wouldn’t waste my time with him
Super bad look for both parties. Not smart to set up half assed plans like that, I would say you ARE overreacting and actually you should have EXPECTED these plans to fall through. Not all his fault not all your fault. Im glad theres a healthy blend of idiot coming from both sides at least
It could also be that he does like you, but he’s afraid of commitment at such a young age and doesn’t realize that feeling as recognizable yet. Like he’s got some turmoil going on but can’t put a face to the name or a name to the face with how he’s feeling. You might try to stick it out, he could also not care, I know I’ve held off for 20 minutes with a girl that I’m talking to, cuz I want things to go slow so neither of us get hurt and her kids don’t get hurt. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her, I just didn’t know what to say at the time. Cuz I really like this person as a person and if we’re not dating I still don’t want her to feel like I’m abandoning her or if we do start dating I don’t want her to feel like I just jump into conversations without thinking about it first. It’s rough and I’m 37, but I got married when I was 20 so I’m off my game a little bit too. I guess in a sense I’m around his same “dating experience” age since I have to start over and haven’t dated in almost two decades. With the exception that I know what I’m looking for I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. But that has to be learned you can’t teach that.
Honest question, after he clearly said he was sorry and he was going to do his best to be timely with responding back in time. What more did you want him to say? I’m so confused. What more was to be addressed? Also, other human being CANNOT be responsible for your feelings, they CAN only be responsible for their actions. He did something wrong, apologized, said he was gonna make changes. There’s nothing else he can do for your feelings at this point. It seems to me that you both dodge bullets and both need to mature some more. He shouldn’t have done what he did in the first place but your reaction to it was not proportionate.
Not overreacting. It’s rude behavior and an indication the person doesn’t value you.
he apologized and said he will make it up to you. i dont see a problem. people can have bad days and not feel like talking. there are girls i genuinly like, but sometimes iam just too tired to talk and text.
He’s keeping you warm so if it doesn’t work out with someone else, he’s still got you on the back burner. People make time for the stuff they want to do. Cut bait.
I was head over heels for a woman who took forever to text me back. It was the same situation. She just said she was busy, but she was active on social media.
The translation was not that she was busy, but rather that I was not any sort of priority.
Responding back to people in a timely manner is just common courtesy. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who can’t take 10 seconds to send a text.
I feel the same. It’s hard when there’s lack of responses or respect – especially when people live on their phones
Maybe he was tired and still deciding whether or not he felt like hanging out? It’s a bummer he canceled plans on you and your feelings of frustration over that are valid but I would just accept the fact he apologized and move on from it. If he cares enough, he got the message of how that made you feel and now that you brought it up, won’t want to upset you again. He honestly probably didn’t realize it was that big of a deal to you but now he knows and hopefully will keep that in consideration next time you make plans.
I personally (25F) probably would’ve made a big deal out of this kinda situation in middle school but that’s only because I obsessed over whatever boy I was talking to and was clingy/needy and stalking their socials just to find out if they were ignoring me on purpose. As an adult I have learned that is the ultimate man deterrent. Especially in the talking stage. Since then, I learned to be an independent person and not depend on anyone else for my happiness. I now choose to only keep people in my life that supplement the happiness I already have.
Weigh how important this really is to you and why, don’t settle for less than what you feel you want/deserve but really think about it. Ask yourself if this will matter to you a day from now, week from now, month from now, year from now, that should give you a good reference point for how important this really is.
Yes… but that yes is dependant on how long you’ve been seeing him.
Unless he’s got ADHD or something it’s most-likely a red flag. I’d be blunt and direct with him.
Find a different guy
I recommend you use this as a learning experience and don’t let someone occupy your headspace rent free like this ever again. Go for decisive and honest.