Me (34m) and wife (31f) have been married for 6yrs and together for 9yrs. We have 3 kids (ages 4 and under).
When I met her, we both had full time jobs and became each others best friend. We would travel, have frequent date nights and could talk for hours on end.
After we had our first child, my career started to take off and she asked if she could be a SAHM. I began to notice all her time and energy went towards our child, and she stopped hanging out with friends. We gradually stopped doing things together and things we previously enjoyed became things of the past.
Now, after our third child, spending time together has become non-existent. We don’t have date nights, and have not gone anywhere together without the kids in 2yrs. She has anxiety being away from the kids, and leaving me with the kids for a couple hours to run errands is hard; and the thought of having a babysitter is unquestionable. She is an absolutely amazing mother, but that is where all her time and energy goes. She does not make an effort with me anymore and every night says too tired after the kids go to sleep to spend time with me.
I go to counseling (she won’t), and try explaining to my wife that we need to spend more time together without kids and need a healthy balance. However, her viewpoint is that the time with the kids is short, and we can spend time together after they grow up.
*She did not have parents growing up, which should provide some framework to her current mindset of now being a mother.*
I love my kids, but spending every spare second with them seems excessive to me. She thinks doing things that are non-work related (friends, hobbies, etc) without her and the kids is selfish. So to compensate, I work a lot.
I deeply love her and my children, but am unhappy with my marriage and she’s not willing to change. Thoughts?
6 comments
I’m going through the same thing. Exactly my wife’s words even when I point out we both love our kids but let’s not be consumed by them. I understand mom’s have different bonds with kids but to put them above everything else including relationship with your husband (step family aside) is warped. By the time the kids leave the nest your wife will be seating across the table staring at a stranger. She just needs to remember who created the stranger. Marriage is the base of a strong happy family foundation. No strong foundation + no happy home + kids witnessing and experiencing it = Toxic environment for kids.
I’m having a another serious chat with the wife about this and I won’t be revisiting the topic. I love my kids dearly and I’ll just continue to fully live my life at the same time.
This is actually unhealthy with your kids not just your marriage. What is either going to happen is the kids will become too dependent and Failure to Launch, or they will plot how to get the hell away from her ASAP once they get older.
I’m watching this happen with my brother and his wife. She was the helicopter mother of the century. Now 2 of the kids are college age and one never finished high school and literally lives in the basement while the other was a stellar academic but literally found a college at the other end of the country to attend.
Your wife is a lost cause you need to concentrate on the kids, and giving them lots of opportunities to learn how to exist independently. My own wife had these tendencies and we fought about it many times when the kids were growing up. One of them nearly did FTL but he finally pulled it out at the last minute, the other did find a college out of town but fortunately not across country. But it definitely did leave behind some damage between us.
I have lived through this same issue. When the kids arrive she can’t or won’t switch out of mommy mode. This was the reason I am now divorced and remarried. I tried everything for years to reason with her and try to rekindle what we had as a couple but I was nothing but an ATM machine to her. She didn’t actually think I would leave her because of what it would financially cost either, but she was wrong and I have never been happier. If you are still trying to save the marriage, my advice would be to separate to get her attention and don’t go back until she agrees to go to counseling. Then you can establish what needs to change and a plan of action. Don’t wait until it gets so bad your are looking for an affair.
3 kids under the age of 4 are exhausting. You are complaining that you don’t get enough attention so you work more, which means more work for her alone at home with 3 kids under the age of 4, which means those kids are getting less connected to you and more dependent on her.
Yeah – she doesn’t make an effort with you because she is exhausted. You are working a lot which means she is being mom and dad all day long every day. If you want her to have the energy to reconnect with you, you need to spend some time parenting alone and give her some time to relax alone off duty instead of being yet another child complaining you aren’t getting enough attention.
Set up movie date nights at home and also have game nights.
>However, her viewpoint is that the time with the kids is short, and we can spend time together after they grow up.
I understand her thinking, but what will actually happen is after the kids grow up, you won’t recognize each other anymore.
She also sounds a lot like m MIL, who probably did her best to thwart my wife from ever growing up.