As a survivor of SA, after many therapy sessions, I’ve become more intimate with my current boyfriend, but we haven’t taken the next step because I want to preserve my virginity and ensure it is a personal choice. While the concept of virginity may not hold the same importance for everyone, it carries significant meaning for me. I see it as a symbol of my body being untouched by any man, and I am determined not to give that away.
My boyfriend has been understanding and patient, but he desires a deeper level of intimacy. Before I’m ready to have sex with him, I’ve decided to take my own virginity in a way that feels safe and comfortable for me. I am seeking advice on how to do this in the easiest way possible.
I have a few questions: Should I consider using a sex toy, and if so, what kind would be suitable? Is lube necessary for this experience, and what type should I use? Alternatively, would it be better to use my fingers? (I must note that my nails are short but have stones on them, which might be a concern). Are there any tutorial videos I can watch to guide me through this process?
I genuinely appreciate any advice you can offer on this matter. Please refrain from providing therapy advice, as I already have a therapist who is aware of my decision and supports it. My purpose in seeking advice here is solely related to the sexual aspect of my journey. Thank you for your understanding.
5 comments
I think we need some clarification here: what exactly are you thinking of *doing*?
Virginity is only vaguely defined, but for most people, it strictly covers what you do with other people, and you seem to be defining it differently.
>but we haven’t taken the next step because I want to preserve my virginity and ensure it is a personal choice.
>
>I see it as a symbol of my body being untouched by any man, and I am determined not to give that away.
Do you actually like your boyfriend as a person? As a lover? As a partner?
Do you find him sexually attractive? Do you desire him sexually in any way?
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>Before I’m ready to have sex with him, I’ve decided to take my own virginity in a way that feels safe and comfortable for me.
What do you believe your virginity is?
What do you believe taking your own virginity would entail?
How do you square this with viewing your virginity as a symbol of your body being untouched by any man?
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>Should I consider using a sex toy, and if so, what kind would be suitable? Is lube necessary for this experience, and what type should I use?
If you didn’t use a sex toy, what do you believe you would do?
As for lube, [it’s a good idea to have lube on hand](https://www.scarleteen.com/es/article/advice/lubricant_not_diamonds_is_a_girls_best_friend?language=es), and to at least have made sure that you don’t have an allergic reaction to it being on your skin before you try putting it inside of you. As for whether lube is strictly necessary, that depends entirely upon your ability to self-lubricate and how aroused and able to lubricate you would be during whatever you would end up doing.
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>Alternatively, would it be better to use my fingers? (I must note that my nails are short but have stones on them, which might be a concern). Are there any tutorial videos I can watch to guide me through this process?
[To clarify, have you never masturbated before?](https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/masturbate/)
[Scarleteen has a few good places to start reading up on the subject.](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodies/how_do_you_masturbate)
[Here’s another, with numerous links to further articles of potential interest.](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disability_quickies/quickies_masturbation)
I’m not sure what “stones” on your nails would mean, but in addition to having short nails, it’s also a good idea to file them smooth if they’re going to be going inside of your body or the body of someone else.
As an aside, if you haven’t checked out Scarleteen before, it’s likely to be an incredibly valuable resource for you. [Come As You Are](https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/come-as-you-are-2/) may also be relevant to your interests, though it’s likely harder to say at this point in your sexual journey.
My understanding is that you want you first penetration to be something you control. In normal circumstances I’d suggest going to a gyn to discuss things but this is more symbolic then practical for you I think. To that end I suggest ordering some toys. Not all toys are actually body safe because in many places they don’t have to be as they are sold as novelties so it would be best to go through a more legitimate sex toy shop then amazon on Spencers. Since this is about symbol more then function I think you should get a smallish smooth toy. It doesn’t need to do a lot although you can certainly get anything the appeals to you. Get toy safe lube and do what you can to relax your body. If you can have an orgasm beforehand great. Otherwise go to town. Don’t force it if it won’t go in. Your body has several stages of arousal and wetness is just one of them. You may or may not have a hymen or if you do tear it. I never seemed to. My sister still had hers when she was in labor after two years of marriage. Your first time with yourself or a partner may or may not be uncomfortable. I was super sore afterwards but didn’t notice during and just thought the whole thing was kind of meh. Others have no pain and others have to work at it.
The hymen can break by itself during sports activities, riding a bike etc; sometimes its not even noticed when it happens. Some girls are born with an incomplete hymen and some are born with it completely absent. So just because you never had penetrative sex, does not mean you have an intact hymen. You can check by trying to insert 1-2 fingers into your vagina. If you can fit them in easily without discomfort, and there’s room to move around, then your hymen is probably already broken or missing. You can proceed to PIV – be sure to do enough foreplay so you are properly aroused, lubricated and ready, because the vaginal canal will still be stretched beyond what you are used to, and this can be painful.
If you find your hymen intact with only a very small opening (finger-width or less), you can try inserting a dildo or an object simular in size to an average penis. Again, being properly aroused and receiving clitoral stimulation at the same time would help, because it will relax pelvic muscles and stimulate pleasure. If you choose to approach this as a clinical procedure, you can expect slight pain and a burning sensation. You may or may not bleed.
You cannot take your own virginity