I’ll try to keep this short but I (31M) have been dating my girlfriend (29F) for about a year. She lives in a different country but is a pilot and is able to fly close to where I live relatively often (every 4-6 weeks).
We’ve both taken our vacation days and have stayed with each other for 2 weeks at a time and then make it work when she flys in. Between visits we try to FaceTime a few times a week and text every day and I love her and miss her when she’s gone. She makes me incredibly happy and I count down the days until I see her again. I could realistically see myself being with her for the rest of my life.
Here is the possible issue though, she absolutely loves her job and loves where she lives. I don’t want to force her to give that up, but I do not want to live in her country. I am open to relocating almost anywhere but the indefinite nature of our relationship is starting to stress me out. If there was an end date to the distance, I could deal with it and make plans. Right now though, we don’t have one and it’s making me nervous now. How do I bring up that I love her and want to be with her but the distance needs to have an end date? I’m getting older too and want to have a life partner. Any advice?
14 comments
First off if it’s been a year and you haven’t already told her you love her than my dude you need to get with the program on that one. Hopefully I’m interpreting that wrong.
Anyways…
As far as the gap closing conversation, I’d first talk to her about ~where~ you’d want to move in together, then worry later about figuring out a date. If she’s not willing at all to move and you’re not willing to move to where she is, then this relationship is dead in the water and you might as well go back to the drawing board.
If you can both be like, “Yeah we could do Canada” or something, then you at least have a destination in mind and then you can be like, “Okay so with that settled, future us needs to figure out a timeline for making that happen. When should we stick them with that conversation?
You just need to have the conversation of what the future hold for you two. If you are both unwilling or can’t agree on a future location, you may not have a future together. It’s a tough conversation, but one you definitely need to have.
Why don’t you want to live in her country? Would her leaving that country mean she’s giving up her job?
>loves where she lives. I don’t want to force her to give that up, but I do not want to live in her country
That sounds like a bit of a non-starter. Unless you “love” (so to speak) where you live, then you’re asking her to give up something she loves just because you don’t want to live there.
I guess I’m confused, you said you don’t want to live in her country but you’re open to moving.
I was in a similar situation. Tried to make it work with my pilot ex for 10 years. We were both stubborn and neither would give up our well paying jobs. We were never able to find a compromise to live together but we had great times when we were together. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain forever. I’m surprised we made it almost a decade. If she isn’t willing to relocate for you and you aren’t willing to move to her then end it now and cut your loses. There is no compromise between you. Trying to keep that long distance going with no plan on being together will lead to resentment and y’all growing apart.
I didn’t say I love you until after the 1 year mark and he said it 2 months later once he was back in town. I don’t think it really matters when I love you is said. For us since we were apart for most of our relationship it probably took longer.
Relationships with pilots can work. My coworker has been married to one for 50 years. They are able to function well separately and are ok being independent. It takes trust, open honest communication and the ability to accept each other’s independence.
My ex was never ok with me doing things on my own. He would make comments like “you went to so and so without me” or you don’t need me. I just felt like he didn’t want me to go anywhere fun while he was away. He also had issues with trust as his last 2 girlfriends cheated on him.
> Here is the possible issue though, she absolutely loves her job and loves where she lives. I don’t want to force her to give that up, but I do not want to live in her country.
I mean, I’m not sure I see a compromise here? Cause if you never move over there, then she has to come to you, so it’s pretty one-sided.
Long-distance with no plan to close the distance is, for most people, very stressful and doesn’t last. I sympathize with how you’re feeling.
You don’t want to move to her country (why not?), she loves her job and location, and you’re personally not okay with doing the “every 4-6 weeks and use our vacation days” thing forever. Unless you can move to a neighboring country close enough to make the distance more bearable, either one of you needs to bend, or you’ll need to break up.
Might want to start by examining why you don’t want to live in that country. Are you sure you can’t bend? Then find out if she really is adamantly opposed to moving. Are you sure she can’t bend? Then it’s “I love you and want to be with you, and being apart without an idea of when and how we can be together in the same place is starting to become very difficult for me. Can we talk?”
Does she live in a country with bad living conditions or what is the reason that you don’t want to live there?
You don’t want to move to her, but it also sounds like she’d be giving up her entire life to move to you. It’s a tough situation, the best way to deal with it is be straightforward and honest about it. Have a conversation which is you and her Vs the problem, and see if there are any solutions which might work. Talk about how you feel about moving, listen to how she feels about it. And most importantly, this isn’t about your feelings for each other. I’ve know couples passive aggressively trying to use their love as weight for their argument (if you loved me you’d do this for me), and all that is is manipulative, and long term makes the other partner resentful.
This made me think of my own long distance relationship that is nearing on 3 years, and while I agree that it has its challenges, I also have to say I really don’t mind it. We live 4-5 hours apart and spend 3-4 weeks together and 3-4 weeks apart, often one of us alternating the trip this way or that. Both of us love the time we spend together and miss each other when we are apart, but each of us also really enjoy the time apart coz we both have lots going on in our lives. We have spoken bout moving to the same place at some undefined point in the future but we don’t have a date/timeline, and we really don’t know where.
She has 2 cats and her entire family lives within a 30 drive + has a lovely apartment. I on the other hand also have a lovely apartment, but am an expat, and my chosen family of friends and loved ones in my city are a major support system for me, so deciding which one of us moves is not gonna be a straightforward decision to make. It’s starting to get to a point where the journey to & fro is beginning to get a bit tiring but other than that, this setup works for us.
I didn’t mean to hijack your post – just wanted to offer a different perspective that long distance doesn’t necessarily have to be a dead end. Communicate with your partner earnestly about what you want and what you are willing to accept and that will help find a solution.
Sounds like you should have this conversation with her. Be open and honest with her.
I guess I would talk to her about where she sees the relationship going and if she’s willing to relocate to your country or a mutually agreed upon place where both people move from their original locations.
That said, if she truly loves where she lives and isn’t willing to leave, and you don’t want to live where she’s from, I think the answer is evident right there.
You definitely need to have a conversation with her, and at the very least you need to go into it being open to the idea of moving to her country. You say you are open to relocating almost anywhere, but not to her country. Why is that? You don’t have to say what country she is from of course, but what is it about her country that makes you not want to live there?
[removed]