Dear Reddit,
I write this in desperation because I feel like I am losing my mind. I (30F) have been with my partner (38m) for 6 years. We have two adorable children and currently live together and have done for the last 5 years. We met each other at work and initially things good.. until they weren’t.
First off I just want to say that my partner is not all bad… however his actions over the years have hurt me in ways I did not know was even possible.
I have given my all in this relationship – my time, money, resources and many other things that honestly have drained me to the point I don’t look in the mirror and see the same person anymore.
The honest truth is that I have done everything to be the best partner I could be – Paid for a majority of things (I.e Shopping, rent, bills) while he would sit and convince me that he was ‘getting himself right… once he was good everyone else would be’. With this he has managed to pay off debts, get himself a car, pay his ex every month for his first child… and every month he would end up with nothing and I was always there to pick up the pieces and make sure him and the kids are fed… that the house was sorted, house bills were sorted ect ect.
On the side of that, arguments are always chaos. He’s a very volatile person when he gets angry. I’ve been picked apart from head to toe. I have been told that ‘all you f*****g women are the same, can’t you just shut up and understand this is just life ect’ also just recently I was told that I’m lucky because there’s people out there that beat their wives and he’s not even that bad.
That’s just a tiny insight into where the conversation can lead. He will shout, tell me I’m over sensitive for crying – and that he is never gonna be able to empathise with me and be emotional because ‘it’s just not who he is’
Often I dream of a new life for me and my children but I am scared of the outcome of trying to leave.
I have become so complacent in this relationship that at times I feel like saying nothing is the best action because speaking up will get me into another crazy volatile situation. I am so tired of everything – what’s even worse is that we go no where, have no mutual friends – we don’t even share a bed at night.
I am so scared of the unknown – I guess I’m just looking for inspiration to leave and to not feel so alone in all this. I just want to be the old me again.
TL:DR – I have been with my partner 6 years and I feel as though it’s just not working for me because of his attitude towards me
5 comments
I’d start thinking about an exit strategy, who can you fall back on (family?). I mean you carry the bulk of the work and finances already so i assume you’ll just lose dead weight. Get full custody of the kids. It’ll be a difficult road but worth it in the end
I’m scared of the outcome of you NOT trying to leave, this situation sounds untenable. I hope you can do this peacefully and you and the kids have somewhere safe to go ❤️
This is family violence OP, specifically emotional and verbal abuse. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this.
It could be worthwhile looking up local family violence supports in your area to talk through your options. Even if that doesn’t include leaving him, they may be able to connect him with counseling services to help him change his behaviour. However, if he doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour, he either won’t engage with a program or won’t get anything out of it. Unfortunately, if nothing in the dynamic changes, things won’t improve, and your little ones will start to pick up on it and be impacted by it more and more as they get older.
If you are contemplating leaving, it will need careful planning to keep you and your kids safe. If you have friends and family who know about and empathize with your situation, it will be important to include them in your planning. Documenting the behaviour over time can be helpful to prove the mistreatment in any legal proceedings. If you don’t have a separate bank account, considering openly one discreetly and beginning to move money across, but only if you can do this without him noticing if it would make him upset to find out about.
It’s horrible that you have had to deal with his abuse for so long, and I could absolutely sympathize if the idea of leaving just seems way too hard. It’s a long road and can be very messy. But these situations don’t get better unless something changes. All the best x
You need to leave. Save up an emergency fund, save up your annual leave and if you still work together find a new job before you leave him. You can do this I promise. Get your finances in order and even give money to your parents in cash to save for you for once you leave as a buffer to get you by for a while. Try to be as amicable as possible with him in the meantime if your scared he might turn violent and when the day comes while his at work move everything into a new house don’t tell him the address until you feel safe he’s over his emotions with the situation and if he wants to see the kids I’m sure you could take them to him at a park and drop them off to him there until your comfortable with the situation. I’d seek legal advice tho if your taking the children with you and see what your rights are depending on what country your residing in.
You think he is not all that bad because he’s tricked you into accepting this low bar, this unacceptable behaviour.