It’s been a pattern in my relationships,
my ex’s have all said I seemed very sweet but ended up becoming really bitchy.
My current boyfriend has been saying he feels like I have many narcissistic traits, I agree to this to some extent, my mom also has many of the same traits but worse.
He also says how I’m good but easily “turn against him” like I’m thinking of the worst in many situations. Which usually happens when I’m feeling insecure.
A big part of me wants to stay single and work on myself, so I don’t hurt anyone, but my current boyfriend wants to stick together and work through it all.
I’m scared because I feel like I can’t control it… I’ll just start getting annoyed sometimes & become passive aggressive. I’ve been improving a lot on knowing when it occurs & what triggers it, but it’s still hard sometimes.
So point is, I know the best thing to do is focus on myself to better myself, and when I’m single and I do, I feel like I’m so ready and secure. But when I’m in a relationship, it just seems to bring it all out again eventually (my negative behaviors).
I love my boyfriend so much. He’s wonderful and wants to stick with me. He feels as if I’m the love of his life. He wants to get married. I’m so afraid I’m going to end up like my mom… divorced and just plain narcissistic. I want to make it work, how do I stop repeating bad behaviors and feeling like my boyfriend is my enemy?
*also thinking of seeking therapy, but I hate how my bf is against it & says it’s a waste*
6 comments
Seek therapy whether your bf wants you to or not. It’s really the only way to work on the kinds of issues you’re describing.
Your bf doesn’t get to choose if YOU go to therapy. He can feel however he likes about it, but that doesn’t dictate you getting it. Therapy is honestly the best thing for you and will help you work through all of this. And tell your BF to quit being a self-centered prick.
Therapy is the only answer here. You can work on yourself even while in a relationship and if he’s willing to stick with you through this, appreciate it. He must really care for you. It might also help if he learns to have good boundaries and basically stop interacting with you when you get that way. If he walks away every time you’re mean, it will help reprogram your behaviour. People have bad behaviours because they work. If he stops enabling you, it might help.
You could also try couples therapy too but all of that therapy would be expensive. Just try to focus on yourself while you’re together. Sometimes having a partner that you love is a good motivator to get better and work on yourself!
It’s not a waste.
I have a narcissistic mother that I have minimal contact with. It took me 3 years of therapy to admit/see that I had a problematic childhood.
I’m on year 9 for therapy, it’s a slow process and it always gets super super dark before the epiphany/processing but I have never regretted anything less. Therapy 💯
If therapy is not available to you, I say look into self help books, yoga, gardening, etc. a feel good, healthy you is the best you.
You need some form of behavioral therapy. Otherwise you don’t have much chance of changing your behaviors alone. You lack the self awareness right now and a therapist is your best bet.
I’m not a narcissist, I’m their victim. I was in a 10 year relationship with a narcissist and it practically destroyed my life. My story is all over my history if you care to know more. Before that my life was a long string of trauma that I’m only just now coming to terms with. It made me a prime target for her.
Self awareness is the first step to true healing, and that’s what you need. You need to heal from the trauma you experienced and the trauma you have inflicted, they both take an emotional toll. If you don’t do this healing you will continue to create victims of your own.
DBT saved my life and helped me become the person I need to be for my loved ones. I escaped my abuser at 33, spent the next 5ish years victimizing the most amazing person I ever met, and finally started getting help when I was about to eat another bullet. I’ve been in therapy for two years, solid, and I still have so far to go. I didn’t believe in therapy before. That was for broken people and the only thing broken in my life were the things that we done to me. I was so naive and caused so much unnecessary pain. Head this shit off as early as you can. Don’t be like me.
Your BF doesn’t support therapy because he’s ignorant. I was too for the longest. There is a cure for that, education, but it requires a willingness to start and strength to continue. My willingness came to me while staring through the barrel of a gun I was holding. Don’t be like me.