For context, I’m an autistic 20M that has struggled to accept myself sexually. I’m also starting to believe that I’m bisexual (yet I’m still a virgin). I have no problem in being sexually attracted to men. However, as confusing as it may sound, I feel gross in being sexually attracted to women. Even when I thought I was straight, I believed I was disgusting.
When I looked at female characters in dresses and bikinis, I always felt attracted to them and wanted to look at them. Yet, as I got older, I felt more ashamed of myself. Maybe it stemmed from the fact that I didn’t have the best male role models in my life; therefore, I didn’t want anyone that was a girl around me to think I was creepy or bad. I also looked at male characters that were perverts being hated by everyone else, so I kind of interpreted that as meaning that people will hate me if I even just simply have romantic/sexual thoughts.
There is also the burden of me being autistic. We are generally presented as creepy perverts in media (most infamously with Christina Chan). So, if I ever express myself sexually in anyway towards someone, I’m afraid they’ll see me as another creepy, perverted, weirdo.
By the way, I’m too squeamish to look at real porn, but I end up doing hentai/rule 34 as a result. I still feel guilty after looking at that, even if no one in those images are real people.
Any tips on accepting my self sexually or gaining confidence? I just hate feeling like some monster.
1 comment
Looks like self-sabotage is strong. You can find some good self-help books and go from there.