I (22F) Feel Unsafe Around Dad’s GF (50F)

I (22F) would class myself as an habitual people pleasure, I let a lot slide for the sake of my own peace of mind. I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, because I am acutely aware of the fact that I have a very fierce temperament and it can take me weeks to calm down.

This aside, I’ve just come back from a holiday straight from hell. My dad’s girlfriend (50F), we’ll call her Karen ruined my entire holiday. Everything was okay for the first two days, that was until Saturday. As a treat I took us (Karen, Myself & dad included.) to see a wax museum as my dad has always wanted to visit one. Straight away she was off with us all and refused to tell my dad what was the matter and when my dad mentioned that she was “on a wobble.” (aka. about to become extremely verbally abusive), she told him “don’t tell your daughter my fucking business”.

When my dad got back to the hotel she told him that when she touched the wax figure it reminded her of her daughter in the morgue, she then decided to pick a fight with him for the rest of the trip. We decided to go out for drinks later and I mentioned that I was hungry and my dad offered to go for food. For some reason she started to shout at him about not wanting food earlier. My dad didn’t want food, he never eats before drinking as it makes him sick, but he was okay with taking us to get something. She then turned to me and started accusing me of mistreating my cat. I told her that I wasn’t going to go out anymore if she was going to act like a fucking bitch. I removed myself from the situation and went to my room.

She didn’t tell us where she’d gone, we found her nearly blackout drunk in the hotel bar hours later. She’d gone to every bar she could around the area before drinking more at the hotel. Once my dad got to his room she began loudly reading from a bible she’d found in the bedside table, in an attempt to provoke him. She insists on wanting him to hit her.

We drove her home the next day, cutting our trip short. Once we got into her house to speak to her parents she was still verbally abusive. She told my dad he was a fat ugly bastard and started on me again because of my cat. I’ve never mistreated and love my cat dearly, he’s a very sore spot and I won’t listen to anyone accusing me of mistreating him. I told her “I really don’t want to see you and told her that she’s a 50 year old woman that needs to get her shit together.” she then told my dad that I was an evil woman who had a nasty temper. She is the type of woman that runs her mouth but the second someone retaliates they’re the spawn of satan in her eyes. She can hit and scream at men, but it’s only classed as domestic violence if they do it to her.

She’s now trying to get back the money she paid for a holiday abroad, a holiday that we go on in 10 days. We told her it’s too late and she’s now threatening us with legal action. Today she phoned my dad and told him she’s going to the doctor for her mood swings and that she wants to apologise to me. I told my dad outright that I’m not interested in anything she has to say and that I really don’t like her and do not wish to see her right now.

A little backstory my dad began dating Karen a year and a half ago, my mum died 6 months before they got together. I didn’t have a problem with her at first, but what was apparent was that she didn’t care for his grief, nor my families. She used to pretend to be a ghost and told my dad multiple times that the house was haunted by his dead wife(my mum). She’d threatened to throw my mum’s thing away because my mum meant nothing to her. She bad mouthed my mums garden and broke a lot of her ornaments.

I want to make it clear, I don’t dislike this woman because of my mum. I don’t like her because I saw very early on that she’s incredibly toxic and abusive.

She used to scream at my dad for being down(sad), especially on anniversary days. She berated me and stormed off when I wasn’t ready to go on holiday to place I went to with my mum often. I later found out that she’d hit my dad in the face when he tried to get her a taxi home.

Another incident me and my brother awoke to my dad shouting in the other room, Karen had walked upstairs, punched him in the face and tried the strangle him whilst he was sleeping.

Her daughter unalived herself in September of last year and she rightfully took it really bad. I want to premiss that everything I’ve mentioned so far happened before her daughter’s death. Now every time she “has a wobble.” she blames it on being sad over her daughter, or her daughter made her act that way. She will tell us to forget about what happened the day after a “wobble”. I feel sorry for what happened, I really do. No one should witness and go through that, let alone a mother. But I cannot go on like this. When she isn’t on a wobble she’s a decent person, but it’s like the psycho switch is pressed, her on a wobble is a very dangerous and violent person. She tends to wobble on alcohol, but refuses to stop drinking or learn her limit. We’ve told her multiple times to get therapy (before her daughter too), but she refused because they’re all quacks to her. She only got therapy when my dad threatened to leave her for good.

She accuses my dad of cheating all the time. First time was because she’d found a pair of underwear in his room which belonged to my mum. She woke me up at 6am because of that. My brother caught her going through my dad’s phone whilst he was sleeping, that led to an almost physical altercation between the two. Recently, she found a single black hair on the car mirror.

This is really effecting my mental health. I feel unsafe around her when she’s on a wobble and cannot sleep all night if she stays whilst on one. I’ve resulted to making my dad a spare bed in my room so that he has somewhere to go when she’s screaming at him. A large part of me fears that one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here.

How do I communicate my feelings on this and set clear boundaries? In the past my dad always takes her back within a day of her episode. I’m now very firm on my stance that I don’t want her anywhere near me, but we have a holiday booked for 10 days from now. She said she’s not coming but keeps demanding her money back and is threatening legal action if she doesn’t receive it. We can’t cancel her out of the holiday now as she’s left it too late. But today she said she’ll be going if her hormone supplements work?

I feel really guilty because I know that this is causing a problem in my dads relationship. But every time she promises to change and get therapy, or I have faith that she really will change. She kicks off again and I’m reminded why I’m right to distrust her in the first place.

I really don’t want to see her, because if she opens her mouth to me again. I really don’t think I’ll be able to walk away. And if she lays a hand on me, she’ll be reminded on why that’s a very bad idea and will never do it again.