Hey everyone,
I’m reaching out here on reddit because I find it challenging to talk about my feelings with people that did not face such problems (friends/family) and I think just posting and explaining my situation could help me, as well as maybe get some advice from people that experienced the same or even dealt with something similar.
I’m a 23-year-old man who earns good money with his passion and has very good relationships with family and friends (even one good female friend) but I can’t help but feel a deep-seated anxiety about failure, which has affected my life the most especially my dating life. At the moment I think of seeing an psychatrist bc of that.
My parents had a toxic on and off relationship which I experienced a lot when I was young. Maybe even that event left me with a fear of failure that I’ve managed to overcome in other aspects of my life (talking to Strangers, presentations, etc.) However, when it comes to dating and talking to girls in a more sexual way (not just friends), it feels like an insurmountable challenge. I had one sexual partner when I was 16, but it wasn’t a meaningful connection – more like a one-time thing under the influence of alcohol and she „rizzed“ me, so I literally had to do nothing to get that going. I also had a girl at 20 which I dated a bit but that was just to give me the feeling of having a dating life bc I actually didnt like her, personally and optically.
I have this belief that my true happiness can only be achieved through a girlfriend, which is probably not healthy. I’ve got money, and people say I look good, but I tend to undervalue myself (I’d rate myself a 5/10, honest people would say 6.5/10 I think). Maybe my standards for girls are too high, and I’ve been contemplating if I should lower them to find someone, but I dont think thats the right way.
I can talk to girls casually, but as soon as I sense any interest, I panic and try to withdraw from the situation, which has happened countless times. It’s incredibly frustrating, and it’s making me depressed, especially when I see others enjoying relationships. It makes me so depressed that I develop an anger towards women which is completely wrong. I want to clarify that I know my anger towards women is entirely wrong, and I’m seeking help to overcome these feelings and I would never do anything to anyone.
I know self-love is essential, but I’m not sure how to achieve it. I feel like I’m in a constant loop of anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never find love, and that idea hits me hard. I tried accepting that I wont find love and that worked too but there are phases of depression every now and then which I try to cope with masturbation, but I am also considering seeing a prostitute at one point, though I know it wouldn’t fill the void inside me.
There was a phase in my life where I was very hyped and confident to meet girls.
I’ve downloaded dating apps like Tinder, but instead of finding connections, it only made me more disheartened. I only matched with people I wouldn’t consider dating in real life, which added to my frustration.
This fear of women is impacting me so much that it’s bringing suicidal thoughts. I’m too scared of acting on them, but it’s scary to even have these thoughts. It feels like I have a Trauma and thats fucked up.
Im also out partying and stuff but I always get bad vibes and kinda depressed by looking at girls and knowinh i will never get one myself
If anyone out there has faced similar struggles or has overcome similar challenges, I’d really appreciate it if you could share your experiences or just chat with me.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and for any input you might have.
Take care, everyone.
2 comments
I think you are going right direction of seeking professional help, hope that works out well for you.
To share my exprience, I had anxiety from talking to attractive guys all my life because I felt ugly (also having pretty sisters worsened anxiety.)
However when I reached late 20s, taking long time to work on my emotional/ mental/ phsycial health, I have realized there’s nothing to lose and I was sexually fraustrated at the time. So from desperation I have dated couple of guys whom I did not click well and couple that were amazing(I used bumble and hinged, heard majority of tinder are hookups).
Those experience were fun but also hard because none worked out, however now I feel so confident because I finally know what kind of person I am attracted to and if I pursue I will eventually meet the right person.
Also I personally had hardest time being vulnerable since I was new to dating and did not want to be taken advantage of, but these feelings goes away over time.
Wishing you all the luck with your journey! Don’t ever think you are alone!
Look for a free attachment style quiz or try this [one](https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz/?utm_source=google-search&utm_medium=cpc-lead&utm_campaign=18002521897&utm_term=&gc_id=18002521897&h_ad_id=615763633191&utm_content=personal%20development%20attachment%20quiz&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6Z649ringAMVMSytBh2KdAUTEAAYASAAEgIvNvD_BwE)
Once you figure out your attachment style, read up as much as you can. Listen to podcasts and watch YouTube videos. You will be amazed how much you see yourself. Once you understand your core wounds you can start to heal.