Disclaimer: I’ll be completely honest, I have no clue how Reddit works, i’ve only seen a few stories of people asking for advice, and being completely clueless at the moment, i feel like i don’t have any other choice left than to ask on here. Sorry if there’s any obvious mistakes in my spelling, English is not my first language. Also, this will probably be a long post, and any helpful answers will be appreciated 🙂
I’m really just wondering if i’m crazy or normal, and if there are other people out there who feel a bit like me. I’ve always had trouble moving on in general, and i’ve noticed it takes me longer to move on from anything romantic-related than most.
Basically, I met this guy (19) at a party about a year ago, and we instantly clicked. We went to the same highschool, but never really noticed each other until that night, as he was a grade above me. The thing is, our first conversation was a debate: i was drunk (so was he) and i took him away from his group of friends so i could talk to him a bit more, and we ended up arguing a little, then flirting, then kissing. It was an awesome night, and we both looked back on it fondly as it felt really special to the both of us. That night, he told me i wasn’t like other girls (which should’ve been a red flag really, i just didn’t know at that time) and a lot of other things that could seem like lovebombing considering i had just met him. We started talking a little the next day, but i wasn’t really into him because he wasn’t my type, and i was really confused on why i was attracted to him in the first place. He was chasing me, and I didn’t know about his reputation back then. He’s always been known as a player around here, i just didn’t get the memo, so i was really surprised when i learned about his past from his friends, which all were as surprised as me that he was actually chasing me and wanting to be ”serious” with me, since he always messed around with girls. I didn’t want to judge, because i have had my fair share of dealing with commitment issues, and i know how they can make you act and how they can go away with a little work, and he was showing me genuine interest. I had never been in a real relationship at that point, and knew little about love. I ended up caving in and falling for him, as he really made me feel special and important, which no one had ever done before. He told me while drunk (we were often drunk together at parties) that he loved me after two weeks, that he had never felt this with anyone else before and that he wanted more with me than simply hooking up like he always does; he told me that i was the first girl he met in 3 years that he really wanted to get to know. This flattered me, although it did raise a few red flags in my head but i ignored them, because it just felt so good to be wanted in this way. I’m not an unattractive girl, quite the contrary (not to be shallow), and guys have always been chasing after me, i just always had high standards and i’ve always been scared of getting hurt in general, because i had been in my past so i often shut them down. Also, i used to be bullied at school for being ugly until i had my ”glow up”; so yeah, i had trust issues. So, i was a bit reticent about it, but we went on getting to know each other for about a month; the first 2 weeks were amazing, and he had to go away for his job, so we’d talk all the time but couldn’t see eachother that much. He would tell me all the time he couldn’t wait to get back to see me, and when he finally did, he started being distant and i didn’t see him until a week after he came back. This annoyed me, because i knew what was going on and that his commitment issues were acting up, so i tried to be comprehensive, but decided to end things after i realized he was playing too much with me. This is how it all started, in June 2022.
We ended up ”getting back together” after two months for a week, then I ended things again,then we broke no contact two times the next month after that, then another time a month later, until the start of December 2022. He had been blocked multiple times during that time, because i simply could not always endure what he put me through and it always went the same way; he’d act poorly, nothing really serious at this point, but still enough to be annoying, i’d get mad, we’d argue a little and i’d block him. I would often break no contact because i felt bad for how i acted a while after, and we’d be back again for a short period of time ( I understand this wasn’t right on my part either). He’d make me go crazy, like genuinely, because he was all i could think about. It was always unstable, and he’d always act in ways that slowly would push me away, as if his inconscious didn’t want him to get too close to me, as if he was scared of being loved.
I eventually had enough, and i was ready to move on a little, i had another crush on someone else and realized how toxic all of it was, because i was constantly drowning in uncertainty. But just as I was moving on, he came back, apologizing for everthing, saying that he realized how bad he acted, and that he didn’t want to miss out on being with me. He wrote me texts that could’ve been turned into a book by how long they were, and he genuinely showed remorce. I didn’t fully trust him as he had hurted me a little already, but I talked to some of our mutual friends and they affirmed he had truly changed his behavior, and they felt like he was not lying this time. I trusted them, mostly because they had no reason to lie to me, but also because i was already deep drowning in feelings for him at this point, and i love seeing the good in people, giving them chances because i’m too full of love for others to let things go without really trying. So i went back to him.
That time though, everything was different. He really had changed. I could see an enormous difference, and he wasn’t perfect, but I could see he was really trying that time, putting in the effort. We talked about what we wanted and both wanted a relationship with eachother, but felt it was a little early to give us that title; so, we decided to try it one last time, to try things out and see if we could maybe make it as a couple in the near future. It was nice honestly, we always had a lot of chemistry but this time it was a lot more mature and deep. I talked with him about things i had never told anyone before, i was truly vulnerable with a person for the first time; it was like getting to know someone’s soul. I’ll spare you the details, but when we’d talk, i’d get a lump in my throat by how emotional i felt just sharing my life and thoughts with him. This was completely new to me. Looking back on it, it was still toxic, his behaviour was definitely not right. He’d never tell me I was pretty because “i already knew it”, he would never compliment my person if it didn’t relate to him in any way (like he’d tell me it was nice to finally know someone on the same intellectual level as him, implying i was smart or something, or would only tell me i’m pretty through what other people told him, like when his friends said i looked like a model and he was proud) and would always call me agressive because i was defensive out of fear of being hurt again by him. But other than that, it was a nice time, i started falling even more for him, and he was treating me pretty well most of the times. But, i met his mom and he met my parents and friends; it was getting better day by day. I ended up having my first time with him, because i finally felt like i had met someone who i was comfortable enough to be with in that way. He was the first guy i slept with, the first guy i spent the night with in general, and also the first guy that i let cuddle with me and touch me in an affectionate way. It was the first time i was physically and emotionally vulnerable with someone, which was a very big deal for me. And it was fine, until we argued, really bad. I was tired of him acting like a complete different person when he was with his friends, like someone i did not recognize at all and wasn’t even attracted to. This kind of left us hanging a bit, but a day later i ended up apologizing because i felt like i was in the wrong for getting mad about such a small thing, and things were somewhat normal again. Mind you, we were never official.
Towards the end of the month, i went to a birthday party, and while there, i learned that he had been intimate with another girl really recently. This crushed me. I called him up, told him everything i ever thought about his person pretty harshly, mad as ever, and that shook him pretty hard. I think i touched a few sensible spots during this one hour long call of me scolding him, because he ended up almost crying (this man cried like twice in his whole life). He ended up apologizing, told me he only did that because it felt like it was over between us and that i hated him, and he never tried to get me back. He thanked me for being so honest and harsh, and told me he wished me only the best and hoped that “i would meet someone one day that would treat me like i truly deserved”. I told him to never contact me again, blocked him everywhere and to this day (july 2023) i have not spoken to him again. It is the longest time we’ve been no contact, but sadly it doesn’t end here.
I learned a few months after that not only had he been intimate with someone else while we (or i thought so, at least) made it pretty clear that we were exclusive, he also had been leading on another girl for months while dating me. She was basically his “special friend” (if you know what i mean) and only used her for s\*x and to complain about me. He’d tell her i was crazy, agressive, obsessed and annoying after fights, and would often lie about our status so he could sleep with her without her feeling guilty about it. In my face, he would tell me i was his only one and that i was perfect, but would tell her the complete opposite when he was mad. This broke me even more, because i had already been really hurt from the first event but this was just too much. i felt unlovable, ugly, dumb and naive for loving someone that never cared about me. She told me everything, and he stopped talking to her out of the blue the same night i confronted him, and he avoided her ever since. I’ve also learned since then that he sleeps with a new girl every week, and has gotten worse than before i met him. This pained me so much, i was already traumatized but now i am even more. I’m still so hurt from this situationship, seven months later, still healing and realizing more awful things as time passes by. I wish i could put everything into words, but it’s just so hard to explain, it was a mix of the best time of my life and the worst. It was the first time i finally let go to trust someone, and he stabbed me in the back in the worst way possible, leaving me more damaged than when he first met me.
So, why am i, seven months later, still not over everything. Am i crazy for thinking about him all the time, all that happened? Some days are better than others, and i wouldn’t say i miss him. I’m just so hurt still, i feel like everything around me is moving and i’m still stuck there. I can’t really talk about it to anyone, because they don’t understand why i still think about him after all he did. Of course, i do have a lot of hate for him in my heart, but i also have a lot of love that doesn’t really know where to go. I went on a date yesterday with someone i had been talking with for a while, and it was really amazing, but while we were cuddling, everytime i closed my eyes all i could see was flashbacks of him and I. Everything he did reminded me of HIM, and i didn’t really understand why. Sometimes, someone will text me something he used to text me and i’ll get nauseous, or i’ll sleep and hallucinate his touch. It’s like i’m crazy or haunted. I don’t know what to do, am i normal, and why am i still so infutated by this man?
TL;DR! – I am still constantly thinking about my ex-situationship, seven months later, even if we dated for a short period of time and even if he lead another girl on while dating me and was intimate with other people behind my back, and i feel crazy for not being over him while everyone around me tells me to move on.