Hey all My wife (26f) and me (27m) have been married for almost 4 years. We have always discussed having kids and it was definitely the plan, but recently I have really questioned that idea for myself and exactly what I want from life, leading to a decision of me not wanting to have kids, I just honestly could not see myself as a father. She has always and will always want kids, and I doubt that will change.
We are also about to go on a big overseas trip and not sure if me saying it now would ruin that which is the last thing I want to do.
How do I say this to her without risking my marriage?
Thanks
Love you all and appreciate any advice.
30 comments
How far off is the trip?
All you can do is be honest. When you choose to do that is up to you but sooner is better. Likely you guys won’t make it through this seeing as it such a huge thing you can’t find common ground on.
“How do I say this to her without risking my marriage?”
You know that your wife “has always and will always” want children, you don’t want children, that’s a major incompatibility and your wife is probably going to feel deceived on some level.
I think you have to understand that this will ultimately risk your marriage and if your wife decides she can’t see a future without children, you’re going to have to accept the end of your marriage. You both deserve the chance to live the lives you want to live.
I would sit down with her and lay all of your cards on the table, but sooner rather than later. We can’t tell you how she’s going to respond, but you need to have that conversation.
She’s most likely gonna be extremely angry and totally devastated, and if she is, it’s 100% justified. You saying you wanted kids is obviously a huge part of why she married you. To her it wasn’t some abstract thought exercise; it was a very real and very serious thing. For you to have consistently said yes to kids every time it was discussed throughout the entire relationship, and to now say you that you only recently actually questioned the idea? That’s gonna be a big kick in the gut. And on top of that, for you to now say the opposite? Man, that’s gonna shake her whole world down to the core.
You can’t say it without risking your marriage; it’s a fundamental part of your marriage.
You and your wife have matured and grown older and with that you get a sense of what you really want from life. It’s also possible to just feel more anxious about having kids as it approaches – it’s a huge life changing commitment.
If you are having thoughts that you don’t want kids you need to put it out there – ‘I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking about life – what do you feel you really want?’ Is a launchpad. Or ‘how do you see our life in five years?’
For all you know she is having the same thoughts! Learning to talk about feelings is so important in your relationship. This is the person you should be able to tell anything to. If you can’t this in itself can be a red flag.
I chose not to have kids and I am so. Damn. Glad.
My other friends? They couldn’t imagine not being a mother. I do know others who feel trapped, exhausted and regretful. Something about being childless makes some people open up to me maybe.
You need to talk over the possibilities with your wife and get used to being open – all the best with it!
You are doing her a disservice by not telling her sooner than later. You are incompatible if she wants them, and you do not. This is a major deal breaker.
You need to speak to her now. Please don’t wait. The discussion could go many ways but she needs time to process and decide what’s next.
Just for the sake of not being a total POS, you have to tell her sooner than later.
Chances are it’ll be the end of your marriage, but it sounds like that will be what’s best for both of you, so it’s only fair you let her move on with her life without dragging it on.
Your marriage is over.
You don’t want kids. She wants kids. You are no longer compatible.
People change and that’s okay. What’s not okay is staying with somebody for years stringing them along and ultimately running out their body clock. Do both of you a favour and be honest with your feelings.
Withholding your feelings out of fear of losing her is exceptionally selfish. As is having a child you do not want.
Oh dear.
Well, if there is ever a deal-breaker, having kids is it.
If you are truly, no doubt, swear-to-god not wanting children, you need to tell her sooner than later (in my opinion). She needs to make an informed decision about staying with you.
Now, I understand not wanting to ruin the trip, I do. However, with this kind of ‘We could divorce over this’ situation….the longer you carry on, the trip you take? It’s going to be under false pretenses.
Think about this: You don’t want to ruin this trip, but you have to assess whether that is a selfish decision on your part and whether it would be selfish *in your wife’s eyes*.
She may appreciate you had a good trip, nice memories, whatever, before you dropped this bomb. She may also be pissed and hurt and feel betrayed that you went through the motions of Happy Marriage while all along you kept this significant change of heart from her.
Only you know which would be her reaction (or something in between).
I’m sorry OP. I think only you can weigh what you know and make the decision that is *most kind to your wife.* Not you *-* ***her****.*
Good luck.
Do NOT string her along that you might change your mind. Let her know your true feelings.
>How do I say this to her without risking my marriage?
You can’t.
So, I am telling you this as a childfree person, who years ago read all regretful parents & fence sitters subs and spoke with a few close and honest friends with kids before 100% confirming to myself that I do not want to have kids & be a mother. If she really wants kids, your marriage is over. You can’t compromise and you should not stay together because either you will end up with a kid you don’t want (not saying she would babytrap but people do crazy stuff out of desperation) or you will be childfree and she will resent you. Maybe she will do some self reflection and realize she doesn’t want kids after all but… slim chances. Also, OP. Schedule a vasectomy and tell her before you spend a lot of money on a vacation, if you separate, you will need it. Goodluck.
Ok so here are your options:
1. Have kids
2. Divorce immediately
There is absolutely no way you can tell your wife you no longer want children and not risk your marriage unless she also changed her mind about having children. This will most likely result in a divorce.
talk to her asap so she can find another partner who can give her what she wants if that’s the route she goes.
You tell her you don’t want kids. This may 90% lead to your divorce. She might even think that you deceived her. This whole fiasco will be emotionally explosive and prepare yourself to brace the impact.
Don’t wanna be that guy, but this is exactly why I think people shouldn’t get married so early on in life. At 23-22 you don’t always know what you want in life and are very much figuring things out and growing. Shit, at 29 I’m still figuring my shit out.
>How do I say this to her without risking my marriage?
If she wants kids and you don’t, there is no future for the marriage. This is simply not something you can compromise on, you can’t have half a child.
Changing your mind is okay – but you need to tell her, now. You are both still young enough to find partners who is on the same page regarding starting a family. Not telling her and leading her on for a few more years would be unacceptable.
You can’t. This is something you should have sat with more before you got married. If she wants kids and you don’t, there isn’t a much e better reason to split up. And given how young you are, that’s probably the best call. The last thing you want is to be dealing with resenting each other over the next decade, either because you had a kid you don’t want or she doesn’t have the kid/s she does.
If she really wants to be a mother your marriage is over and you need to tell her asap so she can move on with her life
If you don’t want kids, and she does want kids, there is no saving the marriage. Not having kids would not be fair to her, and trying to convince her not to have them would be incredibly selfish. You should end the marriage while she’s young enough to find someone who does want kids.
This is why you don’t get married before you know what you want in life and why you don’t make major life-changing decisions before you’re getting close to 30, and why people who get married at 20 and change end up divorced in their 30s. This is a complete deal-breaker for any relationship, your only chance is if she also has doubts and realizes she doesn’t want any either. Otherwise your marriage will fall apart, either because you can’t reach an agreement, or because one of you caves and ends up resenting the other in time (ideally her, because if you cave and have a kid then regret it, you’re stuck for life and the kid will know it wasn’t wanted, which will lead to serious lifelon trauma)
> Howe do I say this to her without risking my marriage?
You don’t. You have changed position on a major dealbreaker for most people.
The best thing you can do is stop sleeping with her and tell her soon so that she can make the best decision for herself.
I can tell you what it feels like from her side… maybe that clarity would help you. I dated someone who already had a kid (I didn’t know, he kept it a secret) and I assumed that when the time came we would discuss if we wanted kids. That time came about a year and a half in and he brushed it off. A few months later I really felt like I needed him to know that it was important that I would be able to have a kid someday if I could. He shut me down completely.
I remember this the most…. The feeling that sank into my stomach when the answer was definitely no. I looked at my life, my life with him and thought… is this going to just be it for the rest of my life? Can I really see myself sacrificing all the things I wanted… for him? I began to resent him and question the relationship. I then tried to think of solutions so I asked him… “would you still date me if I had a kid of my own?” He asked how THAT would work and I said that I would go have my own kid from a bank leaving him with no responsibility or “father” title in the matter. I really wanted this relationship to work. He laughed in my face and called me disgusting… so the answer was still no, even when I gave him options to avoid fatherhood responsibilities and child support.
The answer is no… it won’t work if that’s something she needs. I look at my life now and can’t imagine being childless my whole life. I’ve experienced so much and lived so many lives and all I want now is to settle down and watch my little ones fall in love with life the way I did. I want to teach them, love them, watch the joy spread over their little faces, hear the giggles when they see a slimy frog for the first time. If my boyfriend came to me and said he didn’t want kids down the road I would feel sad but I wouldn’t think twice about leaving. I’ll never sacrifice my dreams for someone else ever again and that’s not selfish, it’s just realistic. I will always try to find a compromise but if there isn’t one, then I’ll gladly leave and have the dreams I dreamed.
It’s honestly disturbing that you’re considering waiting multiple months to be transparent with your wife about a major deal breaker. Those are months she will never get back because you chose to withhold information you knew might devastate her.
Tell her today. Every day that you wait is another day she will not have to process the fact that you are no longer compatible life partners.
Sorry mate but this is a dealbreaker for most people and from what you say of your wife, it’ll be a dealbreaker for her.
Since the trip isn’t for months as per a comment I saw, I recommend you tell her quickly and probably cancel the trip so that your wife has time to divorce you and find a guy who won’t bail out on her while she’s still at peak fertility.
You need to tell her literally today. So that she can still have time to find another partner who shares her same goals for the future and marry him. Keeping this from her and stringing her along is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. I have seen *so many* people on here who do not disclose until 10 years into the marriage and by then you’re basically doomed. Fuck your trip, you have to tell her.
You need to tell her as soon as possible. Kids are a dealbreaker issue and if you’ve changed your mind, she needs to know so she can decide if she’s ok with it or needs to move on.
Be kind but tell her before you two waste more time. Kids aren’t something that you can compromise about and she deserves to know your decision so she can make hers.
>How do I say this to her without risking my marriage
That may not be possible, but now is the time to be a man and talk to her.
What do you mean by always discussed? Once a year or a few times a year isn’t exactly a lot.
More importantly, while you were having this epiphany; did you discuss literally *any of it* with your wife?
You’re self discovery is going to go over as well as a fart in church. If you guys together have talked about kids and then not together talked about your new feelings then you may need to prepare yourself for divorce because that might be a deal breaker for her.
Godspeed.
I kind of feel guilty knowing this information before she does. Her life is about to blow up and I’m sad for her.