Basically title. My gf doesn’t wanna cut him off completely from her life because she says she only sees him as a good friend after we started dating and that it was never anything more than casual sex for her. I actually trust her. She also said that she made it clear to him when we started dating and that nothing ever happened between them again. Apparently the situation between them is that they have been good friends for many years and decided to hook up from time to time when they were both single. My main issue with this guy is that he is still kinda intimate when he talks with her. I’ve seen some texts and he more often than not refers to her as baby. For example she wished him happy birthday he replied “thank you baby!”. She never shows any intimacy back, I would go as far to say she is kind cold with her texts. I told her it bothers me and she kinda said to get over it and that it’s just the way they used to talk, it doesn’t mean anything. She didn’t wanna bother having an awkward conversation with him and tell him to stop calling her that.
I don’t wanna make a huge deal out of this since they don’t even talk that much, they maybe catch up once every 2-3 months over the phone or text and I know they have had coffee together once. (she told me that) It’s just kinda hard for me to accept this situation. She also doesn’t seem to understand why it bothers me so much and everytime I try to talk to her about it she gets upset and says i’m being paranoid over nothing.
TL/DR My GF of 2 years is still in touch with a friend of hers that they also had a FWB relationship with and it makes me feel insecure
4 comments
That seems like deflection, people in FWB relationships grow attachments with each other and references to allowing him to call her baby seems like they have unresolved feelings, so if she can’t cut ties or move on from this ‘friend’ then maybe she doesn’t respect or deserve you.
You don’t get to insist that she define this friendship by the fact that they occasionally hooked up.
So I would encourage you to explore your feelings with a little bit more depth. This relationship is obviously threatening to you in some way, so I encourage you to try to figure out the story you’re telling yourself about it.
“She has a friend she used to hook up with” is value-neutral. What’s upsetting to you is the meaning you put on that – and that varies from person to person. What’s your inner monolog here?
It’s hard to offer concrete advice about how to get over it, and what sort of accommodations you can reasonably ask for from her that will help, without knowing what the actual issue is for you. And it can be hard to figure out – this is part of why people go to therapy, although a meditation practice often helps! – because you may be in a place where the emotional reaction is so strong that you can’t see the connection. “She has this friend” -> I think X -> I feel bad.
For a lot of people, that chain happens so quickly that you don’t even notice that it’s the thought X that you’re reacting to. But understanding and addressing X is how you fix the problem.
You say that she doesn’t understand why it bothers you so much, but nothing in your post suggests that YOU understand why it bothers you so much. This probably also explains why she gets upset: ultimately, if you don’t know what’s going on in your own head, and can’t use that to ask for reasonable accommodations, it’s going to feel to her like you’re asking her to stop being friends with this person.
Even if you’re not. Although, honestly, it sounds like, from her perspective, maybe you are. I mean … what ARE you asking for from her when you bring it up?
People sometimes say “you have to communicate” and that’s true, but often before we communicate we have to understand ourselves first. So … tell us a little about what goes on in your head that causes this to bother you so much.
You either trust her or you do not. You are either secure in yourself or not. This isn’t about her, it is about you.
Depends if she’s an honest person or not