How do I get better at small talks ?

20 comments

1. I feel like a lot is being left out. Age, culture (as in are you a visitor coming from elsewhere or an American), city/area, etc…

   Texas is larger than many countries and what’s going to be acceptable in El Paso may be different than in Austin or may be different in some cattle ranch town.

2. It’s the summer so one thing people here love talking about is how hot it is. Try that. Other good topics for summertime small talk include: beach opinions, waterpark opinions, what to do to stay out of the heat, etc.

3. Just say, “whew how bout that game last night?” or “Whew it’s another hot one today isn’t it?”

   Ask your coworkers dumb questions like “so are you workin hard or hardly workin?”

4. Just ask them questions. Then ask some more. Nothing super personal though.

5. Learn some [phatic phrases](https://www.thoughtco.com/phatic-communication-1691619) and work them in to casual interactions. Not too frequently and not repetitively, though, or else you’ll sound robotic.

   Learn to respond to others’ phatic phrases, as appropriate. I had to teach my son this. For example, if someone said “It sure is hot today!,” he’d say nothing in response, and his rationale was that it wasn’t a question he had to respond to. I finally got him to understand to give non-committal responses like “Yep, it sure is!”

   Every conversation is not a commitment, nor is it necessarily an exchange of legitimate information.

6. “Did you do anything fun this weekend?” or “Any big plans for the weekend?” are good conversation starters.

   “Nice shoes, where’d you get them?” or something like that.

7. Asking about weekend plans is usually something that kicks off a good conversation.

   If you say something like, “hey, how was your weekend?” Or “doing anything fun this weekend?” Usually is enough for people to give a detailed response that you can ask subsequent questions from

8. Alcohol.

9. Keep in mind that small talk is simple, disposable conversations. Intentions are just to share a temporary moment with a person… not build friendships. Don’t share opinions and get personal. Keep it general. “Crazy heat recently, huh?” or… “Big weekend for the movie theatres last weekend.” Occasionally, a topic might open up to talk more. They might say they saw a movie or something. You can follow up with that and ask more questions, but be respectful of their time and don’t overdo it.

10. Small talk is a skill… Practice it.

    People LOVE talking about themselves… Ask benign questions and let them.

    Know your target audience and what they’re into. Even if you don’t give a shit do a little background.

    I’m a traveling construction super. 6 months of work and then move cities. All new set of workers, inspectors, clients, officials etc…

    You can bet I know enough about NASCAR, fishing, hunting and offroading to have a conversation… But I don’t give a shit about any of them.

11. Practice.

12. Ask people questions — about what’s going on, what they’re doing, what they did. Then ask a follow-up question about their answer.

13. “Do you have any vacation plans coming up?” “This weather has been [insert descriptor]” “what did you do this weekend?” “Are you planning anything this weekend?”

14. Try mirroring. If somebody says “hey, I’m going on vacation next week,” latch on to a couple of words that the person last said. It could be as simple as saying “vacation?” And they’ll tell you all about it. It’s remarkably effective and it lets people know you are listening to them.

    You can practice doing this in low pressure situations – like interactions at the grocery store. (You do have to not sound like a robot, so practice is key.)

    Source: Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference

15. Be empathetic and try to relate with the person.

    Small talk doesn’t have to be shallow conversation, you’re trying to build a relationship and that starts with finding commonality, and you must have empathy to build a connection, build trust, and build a report with that person. A person who is good at small talk will be able bring up the details they learned later to advance that part of the relationship.

    A lot of commonality is things that you both experience, weather being the absolute bare bones easiest, you and your co-worker both had to deal with whatever weather happened today/ yesterday.

    Find out what they did last weekend – ask questions about what they found interesting, share a story about yourself doing something similar.

    When in doubt – you can call on FORD – Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams (Aspirations) if you don’t have a starting point for simple conversations.

    Examples of these: Are you from this area? Do you have family nearby? What do you do outside of work? How do you like the project you’re working on? Do you have any vacations come up? Anything you’re looking forward to in the future? ect. These do not have to be wildly intrusive questions, but simple ones anyone would be willing to talk about.

16. This may sound silly, but there’s a woman on tiktok – ‘caffeination station’ and she live streams every day, working at her little drive thru drink shop – and I’m telling you, she’s a master at small talk (and just sweet as can be!) She is an excellent example of of how to make chitchat with anyone.

17. Keep in mind the core purpose of *small talk* (uncountable noun): to briefly make a light connection with a near-stranger for a few moments, usually in between other things (customer with a cashier, running into a neighbor, etc). So ask questions about the other person that show a light, bright curiosity about the person’s sort of public or community life: their recent or upcoming activities (like vacations), sports teams in the community (the pros or university teams), their studies or plans if they are a young person/student, their kids if they are parents, their hobbies or special projects.

    Probably not questions about their jobs, unless you already know that they like their job. The point is not to raise negative feelings *unless* you are already close to the person.

18. You might find the [social skills sub](https://old.reddit.com/r/socialskills/) helpful.

19. Avoid work talk. If most are like me, they don’t want to chat about work. Talk about hobbies and sports. Ask lots of questions. Don’t talk about yourself much.

20. I pretend I am a reporter. Ask questions. Sometimes start with a personal anecdote or an opinion.