I (36F) been with my husband (32M) for 3 years married almost 2. I have always been way more invested in the relationship than him. I was faithful, super in love, did everything and anything to make him happy. I took in and raised his 4 yr old son for 1.5 years when his mother who lived across the country couldn’t. I gave my husband his green card. I went into more debt to support us before he got his green card and wasn’t able to work a legit job.
Throughout these few years, at least every six months or so, I would find out he was having inappropriate communication with various women. Instagram DMs, texts, pictures. For whatever reason I would stick by him and take him back even though it took a huge toll on my mental and physical health. I always had the intuition that he wasn’t being honestly with me and like I didn’t really know the man I married. My mistake, I know. The most recent time I confirmed him cheating was this past February. I gained access to his Apple Watch, saw conversations, confronted him and he told partial truths but mostly lied. Made it seem like it was all virtual cheating. He said he would stop. About a week later…still having that unsettling feeling I swapped our SIM cards and the text messages started rolling in. I was able to communicate with one woman who thought she was talking to him and I extracted information from her which lead me to a fetish website for sub/dom relationships where my husband had a whole profile leading back to October 2022 with pictures and videos of him fucking other women. I felt like I died that night. I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. And then…. I still forgave him! We were trying to make it work. He did stop after that but he continued to be cold and distant. He wasn’t communicating or trying to connect with me. He also started spending a lot of time at his baby mommas house after she broke up with her boyfriend with the excuse of needing to take care of his son.
I was so turned upside down by this I went on short term disability from work for mental health reasons and I booked a trip to Arizona to visit with my father and other family. I was there from 6/27-7/18.
I put a tracker on our vehicle before I left. Because apparently I needed to see for myself for the 100th time if he could be honest and trusted. The day after I left the vehicle was in another state and stayed at some apartment complex for two days. I confronted him and he wouldn’t explain himself. I decided then that I was done but I didn’t tell him.
A few days later while I was in Arizona I met someone while out celebrating my brothers birthday. This guy is a really good childhood friend of my brother. We ended up sleeping together and spent a ton of time together for the remainder of my trip. I extended my trip an extra week. I made my mind up that I was going home to get divorced and moving to Arizona to start again. I have always wanted to move there. I had spent the last few years thinking that there was no one else in the world for me but my husband only to find out that there are men out there who will treat me nice, who actually want to spend time with me and are happy to be in my presence. I went on more dates in two weeks with this guy than my husband has taken me on in two years.
Anyways I ended up coming home, when I saw my husband I wasted no time by letting him know I wanted a divorce and I’ve contacted a divorce mediator for us. He said okay at first then quickly began unraveling. I’ve been home for a week now and since then he has been love bombing me with love notes, jewelry, flowers, saying anything and everything I’ve always wanted to hear. Offering to do everything I’ve ever asked for. He apparently has been in therapy for the past two months and trying to work on himself and was “waiting for me to come home from my trip” so he could be vulnerable and do all these plans he said he had been working on. He had “explanations” for where he was and what he was doing regarding what I saw on the vehicle tracker. I do believe him but it doesn’t change my mind.
For anyone wondering, he asked me if I cheated on him in Arizona and I replied, “let me show you how easy it is to be honest…yes I cheated on you.”
He says he doesn’t care because he deserved it and he forgives me. He’s been balling his eyes out, puking, begging, showering me with anything and everything. Says he can’t live without me and he’s going to die if I leave him. I’ve never seen this man cry before. It breaks my heart to see someone hurting like this. I know exactly how he feels.
I was honestly so naive to think I could come home and end this and that he wouldn’t really care or that he would be okay with it. He’s not. And as sad as it is to see him hurting I just don’t want to be with him anymore. A switch had been flipped and I decided I was done while I was away. I’ve been trying to give a little time to allow some of the emotions to cycle through him as this apparently came as a huge shock but I realize that I can’t stay in the same house as him for long. I’m worried about him but I need to make moves toward my new life. I tried to pack a suitcase last night while he was at work and he found it immediately when he got home and unpacked it while I was sleeping.
I don’t know if I should just try and leave while he’s out of the house or if I should stay and try to tie up loose ends like I was hoping to do. He’s making me feel trapped and like I need to run away. I was trying to do what I needed to and be back in Arizona in a month. I haven’t been able to sort anything with my husband because he’s saying he won’t divorce me and I’m concerned about the way he’s reacting.
Should I pack and leave while he’s at work?
30 comments
Is his green card in jeopardy because it sounds like y=it was obtained under false pretenses.
And GTFO – waste no more time on him. He turned you into a cheater as well. Do not let him keep you at his level
Most definitely pack and leave while he is at work. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it but now that he sees that you won’t take him back this time, he’s trying to force you to stay. I’m glad you realized that you deserve better and are leaving him, I’m not really sure exactly how things like that go if he won’t sign but if your marriage is the only thing keeping him as a citizen then that might be why he’s doing that.
You need to leave and move out of the house, both for your sake and for his. Yeah I think you should do it while he is not there, he knows you are both getting a divorce, so that will not be a surprise, you have made that clear. He also seems to not physically be able to let you leave, but you need to. The only way you will both heal is by going no contact and allowing yourselves time to heal.
OP, if you don’t feel safe just up and leaving out of nowhere, you can always call the police for a “keep the peace” escort, even if you are married. Essentially they will just make sure nothing crazy happens while you safely gather all of your belongings.
You’re done. Be done. Get your stuff out, let him know that anything related to the divorce can be communicated through the mediator (or a lawyer, if you decide you need to go that route after all), and let him start coming to terms with the fact it’s too late to salvage this. He’s been given plenty of opportunities to prevent this outcome. If he couldn’t handle losing you, he should’ve taken one of those instead of taking it for granted there would always be another chance. (Funny how he was “just waiting for you to come home” to tell you about all these self-improvement plans, but somehow didn’t get around to it until it sunk in you were really going to follow through with leaving for good this time.)
Leave while he’s at work. This is an elaborate show to keep you around.
I was so worried you were going to forgive him again. I gotta say I’m proud of your resolve and really think the Arizona adventure will be great for you. Maybe he really has learned his lesson but I don’t think it’s worth sticking around to find out.
I fully support getting out of this relationship and moving and starting fresh… with the caveat of please be careful about jumping straight into something with this other guy. Not because you don’t deserve happiness or fun or should our in some act of mourning. But just make sure that in a vulnerable state you don’t go from one bad situation to another.
Please be careful for your safety as you make your exit! Your safety is your number one concern right now ❤️
He’s hysterical bonding and doing everything you would want in a man so he can trick you to go back to him. He will only continue the amazing husband routine until he knows you are where he wants you to be. Then he will go right back to his previous behaviors.
Stop feeling sorry for him that he is hurting. He didn’t give a shit seeing how hurt you were each time you caught him. You need to care about yourself more than you care to portray a good marriage to other people because this marriage has always been very broken.
Yes, grab your stuff and leave. Can you believe, after all he’s done with other women, even bragging about it by posting it online, he falls apart when YOU stand up for yourself???
You CAN do much better. You owe him nothing.
Pack up and leave while he at work.. or call the police and say he refusing to let you leave.. he doesn’t need to say yes to the divorce the court will push it eitherway.
You know he been banging his baby mamma again.. he only saying stuff to keep you around and honestly I’m worried for you.. that why you need to pack up and leave while he at work.. all important documents the lot .. deal with the rest in the divorce.
Make sure you take the laptop so you have proof of his infidelity during the divorce, all your important documents, and bank information.
Definitely get out.
Yes, leave while he’s gone. He’s irrational
Unfortunately love bombing goes away if you decide to stay. And as a woman once your emotions are over the person. There is no coming back
Just pack and go, better for everyone to rip the bandaid off and start divorce proceedings. Both of you will be able to start the healing process faster rather than prolong the inevitable.
Leave while he’s away and follow through with the divorce. I spent 6 years with my ex. Met my current SO and discovered I could be treated properly and appreciated (2 years now and no problems!). I told my ex I wanted to break up and we were done after 6 years.
He did all your ex did. Cried, begged, groveled, suddenly started doing everything I ever wanted or asked for in the last 6 years. Even signed up for therapy. I’m happy for him now 2 years later and he’s a better person but he was not and will not be the person for me and we have come to terms with that for the sake of our almost 5 year old.
Leave and be with someone who knows how much you are worth and will value you.
Definitely divorce him.
But for what is worth a man who doesn’t have a problem sleeping with married women is probably not who you should be moving on to.
Yes, pack and leave while he’s at work. If you have friends that can help than that would make things faster. If you have to come back for anything you have the option of a police escort for safety.
Make sure to take the important documents.
If you have a joint account take your half and get your name off it. May want to ask your divorce lawyer first in case.
Cancel any cards together. Change your passwords and freeze your credit so no new lines of credit can be opened up under your name.
You don’t need permission to divorce him. It may take longer but it’s gonna happen regardless. Don’t leave any loose ends for him to try to get your attention or lure you back. He can contact you thru your lawyer.
At first I thought this post would be about a woman who is asking how to stay with this man even though she’s so hurt and broken. I was glad to be wrong!
Good on you and good luck!
You said it yourself, he’s love bombing you. His dog in the manger attitude is text book, he doesn’t want you, but now that you’ve appear to have value to another man, he doesn’t want anybody else to have you. You’re also probably his safe port. He goes out, fucks around and then comes home to a nice house and a warm dinner. You deserve so much better than this. Why are you still reading this? Arizona is waiting!
Pack, leave and rub poison ivy into his clean drawers
Tell him to go visit a girl y’all in an open relationship til the divorce. You don’t have to pack put your clothes and belonging in a box mail it to do your dad. Then move things out slowly. I luv that told him yes I cheated. Fist 🤛🏾
The thing is, he doesn’t care about how YOU feel, he only cares about how HE feels. He was fine living his life on his terms when you were the one suffering, but when he gets a small taste of what he’s put you through, he loses his shit. If this shows you nothing else it’s a pretty good visual of just how selfish he is. In his head, there’s only me, not we.
Get yourself somewhere safe away from him and start planning the rest of your life. I wish you good things going forward
Absolutely pack and leave while he’s gone. If you have friends, recruit them to help.
Congrats on your new life!
Hell no! Pack and leave, girl.
Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Since you’ve been married for less than 2 years, I’m guess your husband got the temporary green card and now is about to apply for the 10-year green card. That 10 year green card stands between him and US citizenship.
Maybe you already know this information but I wanted to put it out there because he still needs to submit info demonstrating you guys are ok to get the 10 year one. Good luck, OP.
Sis. Sounds like your husband is suffering from a classic case of “having fucked around and having found out”.
Good on you for not tolerating it but please follow that thread all the way through to not allowing yourself any feelings of guilt for the way he’s suffering. He done did this TO HIMSELF, and maybe now he understands the actual consequences of being a shitbag liar/cheater. He owes you big time for introducing him to his own bullshit. Maybe he’ll change, but it ain’t for you to worry about. At all.
As for this new dude: good for you, it sounds like you’re having fun and feeling good, however, a period of focusing on and loving yourself and getting reacquainted with the nuances of your emotional health is imperative. Maybe temper this new thing with plenty of you time. All power and love to you.✊
Pack and dip.
I moved to America to marry my husband. We got my green card a few weeks ago. Our immigration lawyer told us that this is a green card limited to two years. That means in two years we have to prove that we’re still married for me to get the normal green card.
I’m telling you, he’s worried about his green card, not your marriage. You wrote that you’re married almost two years. Check your paperwork. It very much sounds like he thought that he was almost safe and now he’s worried about losing his status as permanent resident.