Me 32M my girlfriend 28F
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We just celebrated our first anniversary in June with our first vacation as a couple. Our relationship is very good. She is smart, ambitious, funny and beautiful. We have had very few problems and are very compatible but I’m afraid I destroyed all of that.
We don’t live together yet (that is something we are planning to do) so I frequently stay at her apartment or her at mine. Saturday night I was staying over at her’s. She usually falls asleep way before I do and she did that night. I was playing on my phone like always, and then got curious about what is on her phone. I know her passcode from watching her type it in next to me dozens of times so I unlocked it and started exploring. Yes I know it is wrong so I will not make excuses. I went through her texts and pictures without finding anything interesting. I tried to go through her hidden photos but they were locked with face ID. As I was opening up her instagram she woke up.
She immediately got mad asking what the fuck I am doing on her phone. I apologized to her at once saying I know I was wrong but it did nothing to calm the storm. She started yelling that if I don’t trust her, why am I wasting her time? I was afraid when she started talking like that that she was going to breakup with me. She screamed on me saying that I don’t pay her phone bill nor did I buy the phone so what makes me think I have the right to touch it? She was angry crying at this point, telling me I ruined everything when she was so happy. I warned her that if we kept this up we would wake her roommates up. I suggested we talk about it in the morning, but she told me to go home.
I left apologizing profusely and sent her a paragraph apologizing in the morning. No response. I called her a few times with no answer. Days and days have come and gone and I haven’t heard from her. She hasn’t been posting on social media either. The silence is torture. I sent her a message today saying that I hope we can talk about it and I love her.
My best friend has said that while what I did was wrong, her explosive reaction leads him to believe maybe she did have something to hide I just hadn’t had the chance to uncover before she caught me. I don’t really know but I hate not talking. It has been almost a week of this uncertainty of our relationship. I have half a mind to go to her apartment if she hasn’t gotten back to me by Friday. I just really need some advice. I know what I did was bad but was it worth throwing away the whole relationship if that is what she intends to do? What the fuck can I do to mend this? Should I go to her? I’m prepared to literally beg on my knees to explain myself to her. I know some of you will tell me to accept this as the end but I can’t do that. I need help getting her to talk to me.
24 comments
You screwed up. Big time. Especially when there were no indications of anything wrong. You invaded her privacy and she is furious- understandably so. Especially when you had secretly spied out her pass code.
The ball is in her court now. Anything you do or say will probably make the situation worse. Give her time and space to sort out whether she wants to continue the relationship with you.
Lesson learned for the future- dont be paranoid. It can bite you on the ass.
Your best friend is wrong. She reacted to finding out the person she liked and trusted and was in a relationship with, felt the need to spy on her. She doesn’t see you the same anymore, she thought she could trust you.
Your friend is wrong, she didn’t have anything to hide.
What you did was a complete violation of her privacy. You said it yourself, you got her password by watching her type it, she didn’t give it to you. Privacy in a relationship is a good thing, her friends will talk to her with the trust that what they tell her is held in confidence and won’t be repeated to anyone including you. In many industries, she has to carry confidential information on her phone and sharing that can be grounds for dismissal. If she works in medicine or law, she could lose her licenses. Advertising or marketing, she’s probably signed a bunch of NDAs which you having access can be a breach of contract. Those are a few examples.
She wasn’t screaming because she had something to hide, it was because you felt entitled to something she had not chosen to share with you and completely bypassed her consent when you essentially stole her passcode. Even if there was nothing compromising or anything that she was legally obligated to hold in confidence, you violated her privacy.
Can you come back from this? No. If she posted her side here asking for advice, we’d all say, “Your boyfriend violated your privacy, that’s an immediate dealbreaker. Break up, find a guy who respects your privacy and trusts you.”
Sometimes we make mistakes we can’t come back from. This is one of them. Best you can do is walk away, keep this in mind for future relationships. If she does take you back, which is unlikely, then your apology had better be the best thing she’s ever heard.
Yup you’re the ex. You broke her trust and trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild. At some point, when SHE was comfortable, she probably would have given you the password to her phone but you decided to steal it. Her reaction was appropriate to your actions. You’ve only been together a year, not sure what you think entitled you to violate her privacy, but hopefully you learn a valuable lesson.
This is a huge violation of trust. May not be redeemable.
Well, you can get on your hands and knees and beg. Buy her a new car maybe.
And no, your buddy is wrong.
Look, I have *nothing* to hide on my phone, but if I caught someone snooping on it, I’d be just as furious as your girlfriend is.
Because it’s illegal. It’s an actual crime.
Police need warrants to do the same thing.
Legally considered the same as stealing confidential mail.
I’d press criminal charges and sue you privately on nothing but principle.
Shes dumped you, just gotta accept it
Your friend is an idiot and is trying to make you feel better.
You are an adult. 32 years old. You violated your girlfriends privacy while she was vulnerable and asleep next to you. Because….. you were curious? Because you could? Because she allowed you to get close enough to get to see her password.
She trusted you and you shit on it. For literally no reason. And now you are sitting here making excuses about it “not being that bad”
I don’t care if you do pay the bill or you did buy the phone. You’d still have no right to do this. I’m proud of your girlfriend for kicking you out. Leave her alone and you’ll just have to see if she reaches out eventually
You violated her trust. All the whining apologies in the world won’t fix that. How could she possibly trust you now??
I don’t think you can come back from this. You violated her trust, completely went behind her back and on top of that you did it at a moment she was completely vulnerable.
Since her falling asleep before you was a regular occurrence, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s now wondering what else have you done while she was asleep. Did you read her diary? Go through her mail? Took pictures of her?
I think her reaction was perfectly proportionate. I can’t help to notice that in this entire situation you showed more consideration to her sleeping roommates than to her. I’d take “you ruined everything” as an equivalent of “we’re done”.
Your friend is wrong she is mad and hurt because you broke her trust and invaded her privacy. You spied on her opening her phone and used that information against her. She’s right she never gave you permission to go through her phone or touch it your an ah. She probably hasn’t responded because she broke up with you and you just haven’t caught on. And I don’t blame her. I also couldn’t date someone I don’t trust and who doesn’t trust me.
You’re dumped. The writing is on the wall.
What exactly were you looking for ? You’re definitely wrong and stop trying to turn it around on her. Her reaction is completely justified.
Typical guy. I didn’t did anything wrong, she overreacted bla bla bla. Do better next time.
OP deleted post, shocking.
You haven’t had a week of not talking, you’ve had a week of being single. Learn from it and do better in your next relationship.
She didn’t even give you her passwords… your memorized it from snooping on her. I’d be gone as well. I have no time for people playing lil games like this. You want my passwords? Ask you want to see my phone? Ask.
>Our relationship is very good.
If so: Why are you going through her phone?
>My best friend has said that while what I did was wrong, her explosive reaction leads him to believe maybe she did have something to hide I just hadn’t had the chance to uncover before she caught me.
Or she has been in abusive controlling relationships before and is recognizing the pattern.
Tbh: You can’t fix what you did. You broke the #1 rule for relationships: Trust your partner. What you did is as bad as cheating.
The only one who is able to give you advice what to do to maybe repair this is your girlfriend.
Your ex-girlfriend. You two aren’t 18 anymore. Every guy I’m dating as an adult is competing against the peace and safety I feel when I’m on my own. Disrupt that and I see no reason in dating you.
This happened to me. I caught my bf checking my phone without permission. Feels horrible . You’ve screwed that one up. I wouldn’t blame her
Sir, she did break up with you.
That part where you were worried she was breaking up with you? Yeah, that was it.
Let her be.
Phones are extensions of ourselves at this point, what you did is extremely violating.
Your friend is wrong. Her reaction was normal for someone who realized that you were not as trustworthy as she thought you were, I can only imagine her disappointment and anger.
It will be difficult to live this down, even if she decides to forgive you this time. She will never trust you 100%, and with good reason.
Dude, you don’t have a girlfriend anymore. It’s done. She isn’t responding because she’s probably blocked you. You haven’t communicated in a week. You hugely violated her trust and you seem incredibly casual about it. You don’t seem to even get how wrong it was. And now you’re taking the advice of your “friend” and still mistrusting her. You blew it and sounds like you will again.
Learn from this and move on. This relationship is done.
Edit: you say you’re going to beg to “explain yourself to her”-what’s to explain? What would you say that makes this make sense? You haven’t even explained it to us in a satisfactory way
As a 23m with a gf, you fucked up. Her reaction is totally reasonable especially if you say she has the character you says she has. Despite what social media you might be on that just talks about how all girls suck and cheat, reality is, majority don’t. YOU BROKE HER TRUST.
Imagine being honest and trustworthy thinking your partner was the same. But then they do an action that usually connotes that you’re untrustworthy. Also tbh it’s been 1 year, that isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things. Besides social media on your phone, you have bank accounts, passwords, journals etc.
“i need help getting her to talk to me”
No dude, youve apologised and sent multiple messages, calls.
She dumped you, accept it. Harassing her wont help you mend this.