I’m a 34 year old male who’s been dealing with extreme loneliness for years. Lately it’s been bothering me so much to the extent that I can barely enjoy anything without feeling miserable.

Working a Job, playing video games, hitting the gym and even smoking weed does not help me at all anymore.

EDIT: before anyone suggest the typical “go to therapy” advice every single one that I called are full and not taking any new clients and the ones who aren’t full are very expensive.

28 comments

  1. Get a dog. Seriously. Take the dog for walks or hikes.

    You’ll be amazed at how much better you will feel. And you will meet people by default.

    Best of the luck my friend. Loneliness is a horrible thing.

  3. Realize that you’ll still be lonely, even if you get a girlfriend. You’ll just be distracted from it.

  4. The only thing that has helped me:

    Knowing I have peace of mind, no double bills for another person. Playing (and actually learning) guitar. Your brain needs work. Ur also 10 years older than me, so it may be different.

    Friends are better imo. Now if u want someone to cuddle with and do nasty with then ya gotta put urself out there. Money matters in terms of options for sure at your age. Women in that range get more desperate but idk what to tell you in terms of tips with that.

  5. Honestly man, I think you just need to try and make friends and get back into the world.

    Sign up for a Jiu Jitsu class. Join a recreational sports league. Do something that forces you to be around new people.

  6. i disagree from the norm here

    i think it’s a natural and healthy urge to want to fulfill

    i say you need to change what you’re doing just like any other time you haven’t accomplished a goal

    good luck

  11. A relationship won’t give you peace. I can promise you that. Unless you are in a good relationship, it can be a big burden on your shoulder. It just comes in a different form. You need another coping mechanism that gives you pleasure and is also sociable.

  12. I like the ‘get a dog’ advice. Just make sure you can afford it, dogs aren’t cheap. And they need attention, if you work out of the house all day you should have someone walk it, unless you can get home once a day to do it.

    A well cared for an happy dog, or pet for that matter, are great. An ignored/lonely and unhappy one is difficult and not enjoyable.

  13. I can relate to OP. I have a great life, friends, family, finances are great, house, cars, traveling all that shit, get laid when I want to for the most part, I’m pretty jacked too so the gym doesn’t help like it did at the start, but at this age if you want a family like I do we are getting ‘old’ to be single

    Sure we can have kids forever but I don’t wanna be an old dad, and I’d like to share my awesome experiences with someone.

    I have to say in a way I’m my own worst enemy because the older I get the more I’m set in my ways and less likely to compromise, which makes choosing a serious partner more difficult and causes me to immediately find someone’s flaws rather than growing with them

    I guess I don’t have any real advice but know that you’re not alone

  14. I used to be in your situation. Remember this: grass is always greener. I used to fantasize about having A “hot gf,” now I fantasize about the peace and quiet your situation would grant me.

  15. I am married and some times I still get lonely. I am a really pretty solitary person but it happens to everyone. I do kind of agree with the poster saying get a dog. If you have the space and finances as well as enough time a dog can really be an amazing friend but that isn’t for everyone. Just know a girlfriend won’t make all loneliness go away always. It may help and could distract you from it but it won’t fix it.

  17. I’m going to tell from my experience of being single for quite a long time:

    1. Spend time with your best friends. I was single for 8 years in a row until a year ago. When I felt very lonely, down and empty, I would spend time with my best friends. (Just make sure you also see them regularly when you’re in a good mood as well :D). Having a small, reliable network of people that genuinely care about you, is maybe the most valuable safety net for people who feel lonely.
    2. Get a pet. I took in two kittens in my apartment and I instantly felt happier, less lonely and more positive. The fact that you can take care of a pet and receive their unconditional love in return is absolutely amazing.
    3. I don’t think weed is the best idea when you’re in a negative mood. I smoked weed for years – I smoked multiple times a day, every day – and always thought it made me more relax and less anxious. It was only when I quit smoking that I realized I was always way more anxious, always worried about a lot of stupid stuff and constantly hazy in my head when I smoked.After two or three weeks being sober, my head felt so much clearer and life felt brighter. It’s just a suggestion :)Weed is nice, when life’s good, and you don’t have too many worries. At least, that’s how I experienced it.

    **Edit: Adding to point 3:** Thinking about it, weed made me incredibly passive and demotivated, and I found myself lacking initiative, content with the daily grind as long as I had my weed, drinks, and snacks. Countless hours were wasted on watching series and movies while high. Though, it didn’t feel like wasted time back then.
    You’d be surprised how much your daily life can change when you’re sober. Tasks that felt like huge undertakings after a heavy joint suddenly become easy. Looking back, I couldn’t help but realize how often I let the weed-laziness take over.
    Of course, not everyone might experience the same effects from daily smoking as I did, but if any of this sounds familiar, I encourage you to try staying sober for a week or two—it might do wonders. Best part: the worst weed withdrawal lasts for three to five days. After that, it gets much easier every day.

  18. Most of the comments are coming at this from the wrong angle. The question you need to ask is:

    **Why do you want to overcome the need for a girlfriend?**

    I can tell you there is almost 0 chance you’ll be able to overcome that want or need. There are millions of years of biology leading to that need for a companion.

    **It seems like trying to repress the solution to your problem instead of attempting to reach the solution.** I know it’s popular to have a cynical view of women these days but I can assure you it’s not a healthy world view to hold.

    Now that we’ve sort of established that we’re sort of fighting the wrong battle. Here are a couple things that might help you fight the right one instead.

    Obviously in order to obtain a girlfriend or partner there are a couple of in-between steps.

    One quote I love to think about is “[Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity](https://dstlld.substack.com/p/33-uncomfortable-truths-to-help-you).”

    We can’t force a partner into our lives but we can take some steps to set ourselves up to be ready when opportunities happen. Here’s some practical things I’d put in my life to be more prepared.

    * Hitting the gym (already doing this presumably, great).
    * Picking up some hobbies outside the house. I got into rock climbing and disc golf and they were great for meeting people.
    * Connect with your friends AND the families of your friends, getting someone to set you up on a date skips a lot of the vetting issues that come with dating apps and Instagram.
    * I’d stop drinking and smoking weed at least temporarily, my life improved fairly significantly after cutting these out recently from an energy and accomplishment perspective.
    * Find something you really want to accomplish and go after it, have a goal you’re working towards. This serves 2 purposes, it’s very attractive to the opposite sex to see motivation in a person. Also, it gives some direction when you feel like you’re lost, you know what to aim at.
    * Make sure you have a consistent sleep schedule. This may seem kind of trivial in relation to the other things but my worst mental health issues all stemmed from being nocturnal in my early 20s.

  19. I dont know how people get girlfriends. Im 30 and dont get it atall. Is there a spell or something youre supposed to cast. Im considered goodlooking, or i can only assume because people say it to me all my life, but still i have no hope with women.

  20. All social interactions like trying to be someone’s friend or getting to know someone romantically have just been sources of stress and trauma for me. I’ve learned my lesson about people. They say as you get older your social group gets smaller. I understand why. People aren’t worth your time if you enjoy peaceful moments. I’m in the last relationship I will ever be in right now. I’m done after this and I’m only still in it because I don’t want to look back and regret abandoning her in her current state with the future she laid out for her self. But I can’t take the knives of my back without making room for another one. Life has been harsh to me and sometimes I look in the mirror with no clue how I’m even alive. It’s all thanks to other people. I have CPTSD and major depressive disorder because of what other people have put me through. Specifically so called friends and lovers. I encourage you to keep to your self. Enjoy peace while you still have time. The worse thing you could do to your self is care about someone else. I hope that helps you overcome the need some.

  21. My brother, loneliness is not cured by having a girlfriend but by having good friends. Before wanting someone, so that they can elevate the loneliness, make more effort for yourself. Relationships can be another level of problems of your not already feeling good about yourself going into them. No offence but you might be needy without knowing it and you’ll attract the wrong person in this quest to remove loneliness from your life. My advice which won’t work for all is open your mind a little more, I don’t mean that in a patronising way. I mean open up to knew experiences first and be disciplined. Go out and do things, visit a museum or art gallery. Find a wine tasting event or art exhibition. Make sure to do yourself up like your dating yourself, do one event every week for a month and you’ll feel great. You might even meet someone there but you need to focus on you right now is my advice and I do often need to remind myself of it. There’s a couple of other things you can do that won’t take huge time, effort or money. Again some might work for you some might not but it might help the rut to give it a try.
    1-Try a new barber, what suited you years ago might not now. It’s an easy makeover.
    2-Get yourself a book, I know wtf a book. So you can take a break from online and work out your attention span. I don’t like to read myself but I do. I recommend the art of not giving a fuck as a good starter if your not a reader like I
    3-Treat yourself to a new aftershave on payday, you deserve it
    4-Cook more and make it healthy. Make it your mission to do it for your health. Little steps you’ll get great satisfaction
    5-Walk more

    Anyway greetings and best wishes

  22. Having good friends is the way for me. Not just bros you can joke around with – people you feel close to who you can really talk about shit with. A few close friends mean a lot more than a bunch of casual acquaintances, but it’s good to have enough friends that there will normally be someone around when you want to chill, talk, or go do something fun.

    If you have some close friends already, start by reaching out if you haven’t in awhile. A lot of times, people will welcome you reaching out again. And, you might also meet some of their friends who you may also grow close to.

    After my second to last breakup from a long term relationship, I reached out to three of my closest friends that, for various circumstances, I had grown apart from and hadn’t talked to much in about five to seven years. Every single one of them responded hell yeah, let’s meet up and catch up soon. Two of them made plans with me within a week. One of them took a bit longer, but also made plans with me pretty quickly, probably within the month. And they all kickstarted my social life, helped me get moved back to my hometown where I had an awesome support network, and got my life back on track.

    There is a lot to be said for people who will always stand by you, or just go out to dinner or on a fun adventure with you. Find those people, and hit them up if you ever had them.

    If for some reason you don’t have any childhood to high school friends you can hit up, it’s harder, but you can still start meeting people now. Think about hobbies you have that you can do outside the house – even stereotypically solo hobbies. If you like gaming, hit up an arcade; or even better, a bar arcade combo if your area has one that you enjoy. If you like rpgs, find a gaming store that hosts game nights and join a game. Hell, even just find Facebooks groups promoting local events that are in line with your interests. Be willing to branch out a little to make it work. Or, if there’s something new you’ve wanted to try that will let you meet people, then now is the perfect time to give it a try!

    Once you have a solid group of friends, socializing gets a lot easier, and dealing with not having a partner is also a lot easier. Because you no longer need a partner to meet all of your needs – you have a group of friends who can meet the majority of your social needs, and you theirs as well. Not to mention, you’ll meet more people just by virtue of already having a friend group.

  23. Ditch the weed.

    I enjoy edible myself but it dulls a lot of social skills and drive that you will need to accomplish this goal.

    If you find somebody 420 friendly, re-engage at a manageable level with purpose like a stay at home night of tv, snacks (light but of high quality) and sexcapades

  25. Probably gonna get hate for this but: Quit the weed. Dont switch to drinking beer, or other drugs. Ive been sober for over 2 years now. First months were hellish, but now im enjoying life much more than before.

    A relationship wont solve your feelings. Happyness comes from within, not from another person. Ever felt alone in a full room?

    Also, learn to be alone. Its a great skill.
    Get out in nature. Hike, take a tent and go camping. Even if its just for the weekend.
    Go to a lake, bring your favorite book, set up your tent and get lost in the book, and enjoy nature, and your own compagny.

    Also meet people: Join a hobby club. Or at least try out different stuff. Lots of clubs got welcoming days where you can try out the sport, and probably meet fantastic people. (A good friend is better than a bad wife 😉 ) Sounds like you are stuck in a loop, where every day feels like the previous and the next.

    Hold your head up high, smile laugh, even if you feel like crying. Just smiling gives you a bit of the happy hormones, and it makes you feel better.

    Hang in there bro. Life will find its way

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