This happend yesterday at the end of my shift. While I was preparing to leave I was to enter the room where the coworkers were working and suddenly one coworker signaled with eyes to other coworker that I was coming and they stopped talking. At two instances they were mockingly laughing at me or the things that I did. Sometimes I do small mistakes, like they also do the same mistakes, but they dont laugh at eachother for those mistakes they confort each other, but when I do those mistakes, they openly laugh and mockingly look at me. I work in a small company with three female coworkers which are my age or yonger. I dont talk much with them because anytime I try to start communication it looks forced and they answer with short answers. Im starting to feel more and more isolated at the work. I couldnt handle this, so I took two days of leave (its a student job so I can work whenever I want). Day after, Im cant get up from bed, feeling totally destroyed, crushed.
I am a very anxious, introverted person and since beggining of my education I had problem with bullying, but now that I am 26 I expected it that it was gone for good. But now, I am feeling lost at the moment. I want to quit this job, but I like this job because its okay payed and its close to my home. But my head and my heart cant handle the humiliation and sadness which this incident caused to me.
Can someone please give me advice what to do, how to stop caring about their opinions and reactions ? Because I dont know how to stop, it will always hurt my feelings and they will always see that they succeded in hurting them.
PS: English is not my first language so sorry for mistakes.
24 comments
Honestly, I’d say if you can find something else, leave.
No job will ever be worth your mental health.
I’ve found that smaller companies tend to have cliques and whilst you can have them in bigger companies, bigger companies usually have better HR departments and policies where behaviour is better dealt with.
Also, fuck your colleagues. Whatever their problem is, it’s their problem and not yours.
Well, seems we’re in the same boat! I’m sorry for people being mean to you. Especially, since they probably could have picked up your body language you were upset at the time and did nothing. So they’re jerks.
You know I’m (26 M) going through a similar thing. There is a girl at work who doesn’t like the other girls and this one girl, let’s call her Pheme for the god of rumor. Pheme repeatedly tries to convince the boss that others need to be fired, severely punished or not allowed to transfer here. She consistently ridicules people and talks about people behind their back which makes the place toxic and is often hateful and petty. Even though I have kept out of it. It distressed me that I have difficulty sleeping and dread working with Pheme. She in the past at another store has started fist fights with other employees. So she is aggressive and doesn’t communicate assertively.
Pheme has accused ppl of a felony of stealing controlled substances not found and based on spite , tried to get people fired, tried to get the boss to cut someone’s hours, and get other people punished even though they are new and she’s been there 5 years. She’s constantly bad mouthing someone.
I work in a pharmacy and the angry customers ,who say nasty things to you,at least talk to you about the issue are much less stressful. It is a toxic workplace.
1)If they are doing that then you could go to HR. In my situation I am going to transfer anywhere or get a job in a less stressful environment like the hospital not retail.anywhere not near her is good.
2) maybe talk to yourself like a good friend. Distancing yourself mentally often let’s you be nicer to yourself. Yeah, ppl are jerks and sometimes don’t care if they hurt others feelings.
3) maybe you are personalizing it. Every place I’ve worked has had mean ppl in it. Sometimes they’re popular. It isn’t just you. Maybe connecting to others like we’re doing can help because other people have gone through this before so you see it isn’t just you.
4(maybe starting a self confidence routine or talking with a therapist. If you can afford it.
5)either talk to them or management. At least you can say that you have tried. Unless they are difficult people or the more like in the past when people bring up their behavior they blame others or don’t put themselves in others shoes. Don’t go to them. They aren’t going to blame themselves and it will start drama where you are going to be belittled and made into a target. Go to management.
* if someone could answer this is I t okay to try to get your boss to fire someone even though their behavior doesn’t break policy. I am not trying that but Pheme has tried this with many people. I don’t know is it professional or frowned on?it seems extremely mean but others are fine with it.
No need for a forced conversation. Just smile or maybe a ” good morning, afternoon or evening.”
That’s it . Keep it minimal and communicate regarding work only. If you want to quit then its always a good idea regarding this kind of situation.
Just make sure you put yourself in positive mentality and not giving a f*** mentality and when you Abt to quit make sure you celebrate with beer or your kind of celebration . But for now it’s all about sick mind games so, I suggest you up your mind game and power play. Coz that’s how it is. I’ve come across this kind of shitty experience and I feel more like shit when I knew I didn’t even give them a fight. So strike back and leave a mark so they’ll think more then once when fucking with you..
Work time is work time
But when it’s down time then it’s your down town , take this kind of job with a pinch of salt. Cheers
Remind yourself that you’re thinking about them because you were obviously in their head(s) first and just crack on doing you. If you catch them doing this shit again, call them out on it, when this happened to me I’d say things like “oops, guess I’m doing a you” or “seems I’m learning more from you than I thought”
Sometimes people need the light shining back on them to see themselves for what they are and these people are probably insecure and trying to lower you to their level.
You’ve already won OP, remind yourself of that.
Also, sorry if I haven’t helped, I’ve been in this situation before and obviously, people are different and how things get said and taken will vary from person to person.
Wish you all the best, You got this! 🙂
Put headphones on if you can and wear them all the time. That helps to shut toxic people out. Stay strong. I am rooting for you.
Dude they could fancy you for all you know. You’re the only male at a small company with three girls who are all bound to be friends and be in a clique. I know it’s tough but you’re just going to have to just see it for what it is. This will be just one of many jobs in a number of jobs you’ll have, just do the job to the best of your ability and you’ll be fine. If you make a mistake and they laugh, try to laugh with them, they’ll get bored after a while when they realise you’re just laughing with them instead of them laughing at you.
You seem so sweet. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t understand why work places tolerate these types of unprofessional behavior. I would say go to a superior to speak to but most of the time they don’t care about how we feel. Do you know how well your financial situation is? Can you be unemployed a few weeks to a few months? I know. That’s just life. I’m in the same boat as you. I’m soon to be unemployed because I tried standing up for myself and it back fired.
Make fun of them stop worrying about what they think they already don’t like you. If you see them giggling giggle back in a way that mocks them shit like that make it known the dislike is mutual
Mean girls never grow up.
Fuck em bro, you do you
Fuck what they say their opinions r not valid you know your a great work EVERYONE makes mistakes your not there to make fuckin friends your there to work who care what the got to fuckin say if they can’t keep ur name out their mouth they must be fuckin jealous as fuck… I’m not one for gossip nor give a duck about it in my work place Bc I let them know when I was hired I’m blunt I don’t care for drama and will throw fuckin hands if anyone disrespects or degrades me and so far only had to hit someone one time to get my point clear (never was fired either) I don’t tolerate it and neither should you if they wanna joke about u and be quiet when u walk n be like bitches I know ur talking shit about me but if ur that fuckin obsess and wanna be me so bad then try doing ur fuckin job for once instead of being high school drama bitches it’s adult hood now time to grow the fuck up….
Stop caring wtf the say or think your there to work fuck friends they do t even last a life time ur lucky if u get a friend that long people r two faced and rude and cruel and to get threw this shitty place I gotta be heartless and cold right back !!!! Keep doing you fuck them!!! Do t quit a job you like Bc of dumbass females who have nothing to do with their life and will probably end up being prostitutes or strippers Bc they obviously anit got brains for anything else
Pozovi ih na pivu poslije posla, ili donesi pivo na posao i reci “dobro će doći pivica po ovoj vrućini, ja častim, nov sam”. Odmah će te gledati na drugi način, razbit ćeš barijeru. Živio.
If you’re the reading type I recommend the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It helped me with exactly the same issue.
In a nutshell there’s one agreement you do with yourself (there are 4 but I focus on the relevant one) – understand that nothing is personal. When someone being a jetk to you it’s not because they want to be Jenks to you specifically, it’s just that their inner world is causing them to act that way. Something is wrong with them, not with you. The book covers this in so much more detail and it makes a lot more sense.
If you’re not the reading type, then I can suggest trying to respond with indifference. Do your best at anything it is you do. It has to be the best to your individual ability. If some girl at work mocks you either ignore her or if you’re capable thank her honestly for pointing out a mistake. Only the most dense people will not feel bad if you thank them for helping you to grow when they try mocking you. Replying with “so what you do this too” is picking a fight, and that encourages others to double down on being jerks. In time you’ll notice they’ll stop doing it.
I will share that my husband has a company and it is small. Two of the workers are mocking and belittling one of the workers. This is causing the mocked worker and one other worker to be stressed.
My husband plans to get rid of the two workers that are causing the hostile environment.
Tell them you feel sad for them that their lives are so boring they need to try to bring others down to feel better about themselves.
Bullies project their own insecurities. Use that idea to make them miserable.
Sounds like you need to reframe your thoughts from negative emotions to positive ones. It’s hard and it sucks to do but it has to be done. Your external world is affecting your internal world and you haven’t even tried to communicate with these people. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s all in your head. Ask them in a subtle way for feedback and tell them how you feel. If they are bullying you it’s because they don’t know how to deal with you. People are scared of what they don’t understand so teach them who you are.
No matter where you go what you’re experiencing now will follow trust me. My job was like that and you know what changed? Me. I got stronger mentally and didn’t care about what the others say. You can’t control what people say and think about you. Just do your job and get your money… Don’t worry about their words because their opinions don’t pay your bills.
This is from my personal experience. If they are mocking or bad mouthing you don’t look at them or talk to them.
Workplace bullies are very real, and you’re likely to encounter more in the future. Sometimes they’re high up, and they seem to always have the boss’s ear.
Get out of there when you can but until then, keep your head down and do your work.
Remember it’s just a job and these people are sad and pathetic for behaving this way. They probably peaked in high school and now refuse continue to grow as people.
I often wonder why people care about what other people think about them? If I was in OP position I wouldn’t even glance at them or look at them and continue working. As long as they don’t interfere with me physically or verbally or try to do me wrong then I don’t care. If it’s gossip or wtv I don’t care. OP get a hold of yourself and be strong, life will get harder and tbh you can’t be caring about people’s opinions ur entire life so just get a hold of yourself man.
I am a young male working with a lot of young and younger female coworkers. Allow me to make some points.
In my ten years of experience working with young girls is that they laugh and gossip all the time, just non stop. It’s how they build rapport, its just how young females communicate. Its often directed at outsiders, because we’re all tribal. I don’t usually have a problem with it unless it interferes with their performance.
“While I was preparing to leave I was to enter the room where the coworkers were working and suddenly one coworker signaled with eyes to other coworker that I was coming and they stopped talking”
The rule of the instrument is always in effect. If you always assume that someone’s out to get you, you will see it everywhere. They may be talking about you, they may be talking about someone else. For whatever reason, they didn’t want you to be part of that convo so its none of your business. It might be hard to program, but assume they’re not talking about you unless they obviously are.
“At two instances they were mockingly laughing at me or the things that I did. Sometimes I do small mistakes, like they also do the same mistakes, but they dont laugh at eachother for those mistakes they confort each other, but when I do those mistakes, they openly laugh and mockingly look at me”
They are friends with each other and have developed rapport. Girls will often laugh as a way to mask discomfort or stress. I sincerely doubt they have the balls to laugh at you openly in contempt, they’re probably laughing because they think that’s the appropriate thing to do when someone makes a small goof. Laugh with them, that will disarm any ill intent they may have.
“I dont talk much with them because anytime I try to start communication it looks forced and they answer with short answers.”
It would help to try to talk anyway. You’re not good at it now, you’ll get better. You’re a man and they’re women, they’re shy and don’t know how to act. They fear you more than you fear them.
“Im starting to feel more and more isolated at the work. I couldnt handle this, so I took two days of leave (its a student job so I can work whenever I want). Day after, Im cant get up from bed, feeling totally destroyed, crushed.
I am a very anxious, introverted person and since beggining of my education I had problem with bullying, but now that I am 26 I expected it that it was gone for good. But now, I am feeling lost at the moment. I want to quit this job, but I like this job because its okay payed and its close to my home. But my head and my heart cant handle the humiliation and sadness which this incident caused to me.”
It’s a conflict. You’re met with sircumstances that you are ill prepared to handle. All of life is like that. You have two options: you can avoid it, or try to get better at handling it. I would say that you have no choice but become better equipped at handling life.
“Can someone please give me advice what to do, how to stop caring about their opinions and reactions? Because I dont know how to stop, it will always hurt my feelings and they will always see that they succeded in hurting them.”
I’ve struggled with that and I can promise you that it gets better. I have certainly made a lot of progress myself. But you do have to put effort in it. I can’t put any links, but there are a number of projects that can perhaps aim you a bit: Charisma on Command on YouTube, The Art of Manliness (it’s big project that helped me a lot, with a website and a podcast aimed at giving young men direction in the 20th century), Succeed Socially by Chris McLeod (that was my first resource, helped me a lot with communication. The author also struggled with shyness).
May the wind be always at your back.
I have had similar experiences and it was very difficult for me too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve had ppl make up nasty rumors about me at work and one guy I had a crush on openly did not like me and that was difficult. His gf was nice to my face but made fun of me behind me back. The guy would say how bad I was at my job and this made it incredibly difficult to be better. I noticed that how I talk to myself made a HUGE difference. Like when I would repeat to myself ‘I am knowledgeable at my job’ I would noticeably get better and could answer a lot more of the customers questions. But then I would say out loud how I was only okay, or only decent, bc I didn’t want to be made fun of for thinking I was good at my job when I was terrible. And I would noticeably get worse when I would do this.
It was at this job that I started changing my relationship with myself. This changed my entire life. I became my own best friend. When they start making fun of you, be there for yourself. Internally think, “I’m so sorry for how they’re treating you, you don’t deserve that. I’m here for you and I love you. I will always love you” and if you have another voice that puts you down, that’s okay. Comfort that voice too. If it comes at you like, “Well they must have a reason for being so mean. And you have to admit, you really do suck at xyz” Talk to that voice and think, “I’m sorry that you feel like you have to agree with toxic ppl. I’m sorry you are letting them get to you. Thank you for being honest with me about how you feel but you do not see me through the eyes of love. But I do. And I’m here for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the past but I’m here now. You are so much more capable and intelligent than you think you are. You deserve so much better than this.” Or whatever it is that you personally need to hear. I call this “intentionally bringing in the loving voice” and if you stay at it, this voice will become the dominant voice in your head.
These ppl are not good ppl. You can actually see it as a compliment that they do not like you. You do not vibe with you bc you are not like them. For them, there always has to be an outcast, a victim, someone to put down to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t matter if the person deserves it or not. Usually, they don’t. They pick easy targets, good ppl that just want the best for everyone and do not fight back. Their behavior towards you says NOTHING about who you are and EVERYTHING about who they are.
As I changed my relationship with myself, I also stopped taking toxic ppl seriously. They will never be able to see me clearly, know my heart or my light bc they feel like shit about themselves. So they have to put me down to feel better about who they are. Even my manager (lets call him Mark) bullied me and I cared so much at first but then I let it go. He was an asshole. He let the other assholes get away with everything and put down the well-intentioned hard working ppl. He is not someone I want to be liked by bc he only likes gossipy and mean ppl. I remember he said something shitty to me about not getting to the kitchen fast enough, holding the food on a tray for my customers. I said in a singsong voice, “Thanks Mark!” And took the tray from him and went to my table. His energy depleted. And I could feel the energy in the room shift bc ppl expected me to feel bad about myself but I didn’t. I didn’t let him get to me. He was an asshole no matter what I did so it made no difference. And I was my own best friend so I was CONSTANTLY comforting myself and had my own back. It didn’t matter anymore what ppl thought bc I know I was a mostly good and well intentioned person.
Keep to your integrity. Be nice to others bc they are not nice to themselves. This does NOT mean you should always be helping them out or sacrificing your own energy for them. But never stoop to their level. Keep doing what you are doing and you will have self-respect. And no one can ever take that from you. And as you build up a healthy and loving relationship with yourself, you will see that you are all you ever needed. Being there to comfort yourself through embarrassing situations makes all the difference.
As I did this, ppl changed around me. I noticed over time I gained some respect. This took a few years of being consistently myself. But they still never fully accepted me. That’s okay bc I don’t need them to. They like mean gossipy ppl and that’s not me. I also noticed my life circumstances changed. A lot of those ppl left and nicer ppl started working there. I made friends and they struggled with the same things and I was able to comfort them and tell them that how shitty ppl treat them is not a reflection of their worth. It only speaks to the kind of person the bully is.
I hope this helps. If you have questions or want some resources on how I did this, please let me know!
Put in some ear buds and TUNE THEM OUT!!!! Do what you gotta do for yourself and try your best to keep yourself distracted
Gossip and talk shit about them behind their backs
Those type of girls only feel comfortable in numbers and even better if they have somebody to project all their shortcomings onto.
I’ve dealt with this by making a comment which hurts the ego of the ringleader in front of other people. For example, if she hasn’t done something she’s supposed to have I’d point it out whilst in a group. Make sure you give eye contact and confident body language. This basically lets her know you’re into her bullshit and you will not put up with it. Sometimes you have to play people at their own game and women work in such covert ways it’s hard to combat.
Just know the only reason they are doing this is because you trigger something in them – probably just the fact you are not cruel and a bully and can be yourself instead of conforming to their ideals. Try and take away the personal aspect – it’s really not about you. Then you can fuck with them a bit before leaving. Best of luck OP.