TLDR: I (37F) am exhausted from cleaning up after my husband (33M) and two kids (2F, 1F). I want my husband to do more so I can do less.
Husband 33M, me (37F), and our two toddlers (1F) and (2F) live in a 700 square foot house. My husband works from home in a tiny corner in our daughters nursery. I would hate working in that small of a space but he says he loves it. I work out of the house and both of our children are in full time daycare. Husband and I both work full time.
When the work day is over, both my husband and I spend our evenings cooking, cleaning, and caring for our kids. Both of us work pretty hard in the domestic labor department.
I’m certain that both of us feels as though the other person does less domestic labor. I imagine that might be a common feeling for couples with small children.
Here’s my gripe: my husband creates A LOT of mess. He has strange habits like putting all of his clean laundry on the floor and leaving it there for weeks. When he plays with the kids, he doesn’t put away toys. He rarely wipes down the counter tops after he cooks a big meal. Etc etc
I’m sure I do things that perplex and annoy him too. I like it when he gives me a clear ask (for example: when I’m done using a kitchen knife I clean and dry it and put it away – that’s a clear task I can do.)
I’ve tried asking him to pick up more – but I realized that was a bit too vague.
So I’ve asked him to do specific things (for example, after changing a dirty diaper, throw the diaper away and don’t leave the diaper on a countertop or on the floor).
Asking for a direct task is sometimes effective. I do goofy/playful reminders – which are sometimes effective.
I do leave things for him to pick up later. But later is often too slow for my comfort level. So I end up cleaning up after him.
This morning I asked if during his work day if he could fold the load of children’s laundry that I washed and dried. He said he couldn’t believe I asked him to do it because he’s so incredibly busy with work.
I’m exhausted. I don’t want to have to ask the same thing over and over again. I would like it if he could just not be so messy. I don’t like working so hard and I wish I wasn’t cleaning for so many hours of my life.
Is it possible that my husband literally cannot recognize how cluttered and messy he is? If that’s the case – what can I do to get my needs met?
3 comments
You and he need to have a global conversation about cleaning. Hire a baby-sitter or send the kids to your parents; this will take hours. But you need to inventory all of the tasks that need to be performed, at what intervals. Identify sub-tasks, where needed (for ex: doing laundry” means putting it in the washer, moving it to the dryer, putting it away). And then you need to assign tasks according to interest and ability, or maybe according to who finds what least annoying. Decide on some systems to keep you organized, whether that’s an app or a whiteboard. Do all of this with the understanding that this all will/should evolve as you learn what works and what doesn’t.
Also you probably should consider whether hiring a cleaning person would be a worthwhile investment. If you’re both working full time and putting in roughly equal time/effort into your home life, and things are still frustrating, you might need some outside help to keep things together.
Taking care of 2 very young children while both parents are working full time is a lot for anyone to manage, so I can understand there is some frustration with the domestic work.
Based on what you said, he does contribute to household chores everyday, but your gripe is that the tasks he does are done in a half-ass way or it takes him a while to eventually get things done. How are chores divided? Do you have set tasks for each person?
You should be specific with your husband about what you’re feeling. You should make clear that any time he doesn’t complete something, it falls to you to finish up (leaving a used diaper out on the counter instead of discarding it sounds absolutely gross).
Having a set chore list could probably help. There are many apps now that allow you to make shared cleaning lists that will send reminders to do things. While you’re doing this, you can make it clear what is considered complete (for example, the laundry can’t be marked as done until the clean clothes are put away).
Hire a nanny. Don’t talk about doing it, just have her show up.
Tell him if he can’t work harder to pay for them, he can do more work around the house.
see what he chooses.