I (26m) am extremely lonely. My main goal in life is to become a husband and a father someday and I feel like I will never be able to do that. I’ve been only in one relationship which didn’t last very long. I’ve asked for advice from people at my church but they aren’t much help. i do plenty of socializing but women rarely (almost never) show any romantic interest in me. There are days where I break down in my room because of the intense depression and loneliness I feel and I’m beginning to hate love. All I want is someone to love and raise a family with. I would do anything for that. If any of you in this subreddit can give some advice it would be greatly appreciated.
18 comments
Women, much like wolves, can smell fear.
Been there my dude 29m and never had a meaningful relationship. I am gonna take the tough love approach and excuse me if you already do some of these things. But pull yourself up by your bootstraps bud…. It’s easier said than done but man up. It’s okay to be weak at times and cry but don’t start to feel sorry for yourself….. it will not help you. Get up go to the gym… work an extra job. Instead of crying use that anger and that hate and that sadness and level up my guy. You have to love yourself before anyone will love you. Build your empire, grind grind so hard no one even knows who you are anymore…. Become so obsessed with being the best version of yourself and once you have built your empire. Your queen will find you. Not saying find a gold digger what I am saying is you gotta be a King in order to find a queen. Wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Find purpose.
Chase financial, physical, and mental goals.
Accomplishment of those goals builds confidence.
Confidence is universally more attractive than desperation.
At this point, you’d fumble a good woman.
Build yourself back into a man that you can look into the mirror and respect.
It makes it much easier for everyone else to respect you as well.
Relax. Even if married a lifetime there’s a 50% chance your wife will die first and you will die without her beside you.
But really, we all die alone.
Any more bummers I can help with?
I understand how you’re feeling.
I had a 9 month relationship end around this time last year, and lemme tell ya the oxytocin withdrawal was dreadful. It took a long time for me to feel like myself again, but during that adjustment period I was constantly plagued with thoughts of dying alone, not meeting someone like her (in reflection, it was a wish to meet someone like who I thought/wished she was, not who she actually was) etc.
After some of the relationship withdrawal symptoms eased up, I eventually came to the visceral realization that I had consciously recognized the somewhat cliched notion that “you need to love yourself before you can love someone else” but had failed to implement the actual feeling of loving myself; I had been intellectualizing myself out of actually doing things that reinforces the self-love feeling.
As men, sometimes I think that some of us viscerally apply logic to problems that really, require an emotional approach. What I mean to say is that we can think that we are doing everything right, and maybe we are, and maybe we’ve consciously recognized the kernel of truth that is most relevant in addressing our current negative feeling. But unless we can give ourselves an ample amount of self-compassion and allow ourselves to “give air” to the wounds of our past, then we find ourselves constantly perpetuating unconscious narratives that really have no relevance to *we as we actually are, or can be.* But in order to reach what we can be, first we have to recognize what we currently are and then do what needs to be done, and compassionately view ourselves as a valid work in progress.
Based on your post, it can be ascertained that you derive some of your self worth from being of assistance; now obviously this is an incredibly noble traits that the right person will appreciate, but there is an element of this that woman might see as somewhat phony if you are not firstly assisting yourself. When the cabin pressure drops in a plane flight, they suggest masking up for yourself first **for a damn good reason**. It’s almost a law of nature that you can’t help others unless you can adequately help yourself first.
But if you are anything like me (and I really see myself in what you state your wishes are) then I think the most opportune thing that you can do for yourself and your future partner is to, at this current moment in time, pour all of the love and compassion that you will eventually render to them firstly INTO YOURSELF.
I think it’s really important to recognize what you control and what you do not; the truth of the matter is that you can’t force relationships, they are like chemical reactions in terms of spontaneity. Of course, we need to put ourselves out there if we are looking to meet a potential partner, but at the same time we do not control others, and as such we cannot force them to like us; all we can do is practice liking ourselves, and trust that the right person will follow suit.
Sorry if this is long winded, the TL;DR version is the quote “mend your garden, and the butterflies will come”
Focus on loving yourself by doing things that prove to your subconscious that you are worthy of both your own and another’s love, and work to rewrite any self-sabotaging narratives perpetuated by past experiences; as cliche as it is, be kind to yourself.
“And so, acceptance of oneself is the essence of the moral problem, and the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life.” – CG Jung
Desperation and making a relationship your main purpose in life is going to drive all the women away. 2 things you can do…
1) find something you are passionate about you can make a career out of and chase that, instead of women – ambition is a very attractive trait to have
2) if you haven’t already find a solid group of friends you connect well with – this will solve loneliness and make you less needy when it comes to searching for a partner
You need the mindset of I WANT a relationship, not NEED a relationship
Relationships are fleeting. They come and go on a whim.
It’s better to invest into the stock market, your own skills and friendships as these things have better shelf life then romantic love. Despite what you hear online women still want providers to marry and have kids with.
You are desperate, my friend. And I am absolutely certain women around you can smell your desperation.
You need to step away from dating for a while. Maybe see a therapist who can help you with your fear of dying alone.
Overall, in my experience, a person is not ready for a relationship until theu have made peace with the idea of being alone.
If you don’t get yourself on track , one of two things will happen.
1) You will continue to be alone, and your desperation will turn into depression.
2) You will attract someone who is just as desperate as you are. This is going to make for a really, REALLY unhappy home life.
If you aren’t happy by yourself then you’ll never be happy with someone else
You’re 26. Stop worrying about how you’re going to die and worry about how you’re going to live.
Been single for 7 years and hate it
You can be a father without being a husband.
Edit: you can adopt.
I don’t know how any of us can help you without knowing anything about your situation. Where are you doing most of your socializing? Do you approach women often? Are you on dating apps, and if so is your profile well-constructed? What do you do for work? Are you in decent shape? Do you dress well? Do you go on dates much and how do you act in them? Do you consider yourself confident in most areas of you life?
Stuff like that. You need to look at yourself and ask what you don’t have that other men that have more success do have.
You’re very young. You won’t die single. Go to online dating. Be straight forward with what you are looking for. That’s how I met my husband. Compliments and consistency go a long way with women. I had a very rough dating life and for 4 years I was single Af! In a year and 3 months I met my husband, moved in, was engaged and finally pregnant 😂 LISTEN!!!! Travel have fun and don’t overthink! It’ll happen!!! Enjoy your 20’s let that all happen in your 30’s trust me.
True love will find you when you start believing in yourself. When you love yourself it’s gonna reflect in your daily life as well. Read some good books about self love and confidence. Try not to put yourself down. Chase your dreams. Indulge in a hobby you love. Volunteer or join a group of people with your same interests. Work on yourself. The right person will find you!
Learn to love yourself and don’t force yourself into any relationship.. learn and love life.. just my opinion..
Hi OP,
Fellow Christian here. This series of videos helped me get married within a year of watching them. This one (gentlemans club) i would highly recommend you watch out of all 4 of them. The series is now a remade one with knock offs, but the original was called “the new rules for love, sex & dating” by Andy stanley. The first video is called, the right person myth, then this one, gentlemans club, then designer sex, then if I were you – just for your own reference because they are impossible to find unless you know them.
Other than that, there had been a lot of excellent advice already given. I just know reddit is less of a Christian space and won’t have the perspective available to complete the picture for you.
This will really really help you.
God bless you and your future marriage.
[video here](https://youtu.be/D_qzzDbeDd4)
Bro you are just 26 you have all the life ahead of you. Focus on yourself first brother. Be worthy. I am sure you will find someone , take your time dont rush. Main goal should be to focus on your life be it a job or finance or your health Cheers!