I (22M) am greatly frustrated by this because I’ve always scored in the top 1-2% on tests and have been an honors student since I started school. But even though I usually already know the answers to something and don’t need help, I will often have people explaining things to me, sometimes repeatedly, as if I’m completely unaware of how to do/interpret something. I normally just don’t say anything, but recently I lost my cool and said “yes, I passed the third grade thank you” when somebody tried explaining a very simple analogy to me as if I didn’t understand it already.
Even though I’m also a two time state spelling bee runner up and have consistently been in advanced math classes, when I spell out long/uncommon words or do mental math, I almost always have people question me and either ask me to double check or have someone else verify. For years I’ve been simply complying despite being absolutely sure of my knowledge out of a desire to not cause trouble, but recently at work when someone asked me to double check the spelling of a fairly uncommon name, I snapped at them and said I was 100% sure and they could check if they wanted. They checked and saw that I was right and said nothing.
The only exception is when I’m in a situation where we’re talking about something I’m very knowledgeable about that most people aren’t. But in every day situations people just assume that I’m incompetent for some unknown reason.
I genuinely don’t meant to sound arrogant, but having people talk to me like I’m an idiot on an almost daily basis for absolutely no good reason has completely worn my patience to a sliver and I just can’t handle it anymore. Any thoughts on how to avoid this would be appreciated.
11 comments
You said, I think, that you’re asking people to explain things to you that you already understand. Id guess that is the main reason.
Maybe ask more specific questions where the question is phrased to indicate what you know.
For example instead of saying, “can you explain plumbing to me” say, “I know the hot and cold lines run to the faucet but can you explain how the temperature and pressure is mixed inside the faucet?”
Tbh, I don’t even think this is about them doubting your knowledge. I experience similar situations quite commonly and I think giving advice provides people with the space to present their knowledge on a topic, share something they’re passionate about or to competence-signal you.
Some people just want to be listened to.
I think often times people just want to share their knowledge on certain topics. Therefore, it is not always people considering you dumb rather just wanting to be listened to.
You can also ask very specific questions so they understand that you know what is being discussed.
The work incident you described is pretty awful. Just because someone is double-checking something to avoid a mistake (a mistake which may have happened in the past, by the way) does not give you the right to snap at them. That’s unprofessional (and the opening act to many of the stories on r/maliciouscompliance)
If someone doubts your conclusion or mental math, the best approach is to calmly explain how you got there. Do this enough times and people will trust you. You may occasionally catch a mistake in the process. Handle it gracefully and with gratitude and people will trust you more.
You’re an adult. Most of life is group projects now. It doesn’t matter if you like it or don’t think it’s fair. Being abrasive and sarcastic only hurts you.
The problem may be them.
Maybe to appease to your intelligence. To seem smarter than they are or a defensive mechanism to make sure they dont seem or sound stupid.
And again this is the snowflake times and everyone gets offended easily/ cancelled.
Depending on your work, it’s better safe than sorry with double checking. I’m annoying as heck at my job because if I don’t 120% understand or hear something right or have any doubt for any reason I’ll double check. Working medical though so I really don’t feel like messing up over something silly I could’ve just double checked.
It might not be them challenging or questioning you. Just better safe than sorry!
Has it ever occurred to you that these people are explaining things because *they* are of average intelligence, and assume you are as well? That no one is thinking you are stupid, but you’re just pissed at the world for not being as smart as you? It sounds like you have some internalized impostor syndrome type thing going on, and you should try to work on anger, not on others. I think deep down you feel the need to prove to the world how smart you are, and you secretly fear people think you aren’t that intelligent, and that fear leads you to believe that people think the way about you that you feel about yourself. It’s more likely that people are just operating at their own level, and no one is thinking that hard about you.
People don’t know if you know the thing or not. And sometimes it feels safer to overexplain than underexplain. Maybe they have exprience of underexplaning (or not checking to make sure it is right) and something going bad. There is a saying “better safe than sorry” and “measure 7 times and cut once”.
Learn not to take it personally. Could try to “hijack” their explanation of a thing you know by explaining it yourself, thus they will hear that you know that thing.
>when I spell out long/uncommon words or do mental math, I almost always have people question me and either ask me to double check or have someone else verify.
They don’t know your process. Sometimes they use double checking as a form of learning. By explaining how you came to that number, they might learn something and could use the process themselves. In a way they project their lack of knowledge and seeking enlightement. Also looking at a rare word someone spelled, it might look like the word does not “look” right, so they check in stuffs like dictionaries (or google the word like you spelled), to aleviate their doubt and learn something
Sometimes you might be asking a very broad question, like “how X works” instead of “how Y part of X works”. They don’t know what you know thus start their explanation from the very beggining.
Maybe you have a dumb looking face?
Why would anyone know any one of the things that you just described to us as being important to you at the ripe old age of 22, like a spelling bee for example, unless you tell them entirely about yourself first?
I tend to think of this sort of thing as an advantage, in the long run. Someone thinking you’re stupid, is a good thing, because it means they’ll most likely underestimate you. When you know how someone perceives you, you can use that information to your advantage. Might require some thinking to transpire into an action if some sort, but it sounds like you’re good at that anyways, right?…
Don’t waste time on feeling like it’s a personal slight, cause it accomplishes nothing and wastes everyones time, especially yours. Demonstration is nearly always better than explication, for this sort of topic.
Altruisms aside, if closely known people are doing this, it could be something you are doing to provoke it, unintentionally. If people treat others the way they would like to be treated, it might be that you do these things to them, and they think you like conversations like this. Tis’ a mirror of sorts…