I have had a dry bedroom for the last few months, I’ve also had several conversations to my husband about that dryness. And it doesn’t just feel dry between my legs, our “dating” life has also decreased.
Yesterday, he woke me up to try and cuddle with me before he went to work at midnight (in my mind, it’s more like he pretends everything is okay). Well, I brushed him off and he got upset. He got upset because he was rejected. Then, he goes on to ask me why I’m being rude and mean. Then he will say “I may not go up north with you to the cabin.” I told him “no one is making you go.” Side note: he’s always accusing me of being controlling. When in reality he just doesn’t like it when I have an opinion.
Anyways, he leaves the room in a huff.
I’ve talked to this man on numerous occasions about how I feel. I don’t know what I’m missing here. I’ve been ready a book about love languages and his is Act of Service, mine is quality time.
Side note: he will play video games constantly. It may not seem relevant to this post in particular, but he’s playing them more than spending time with me.
9 comments
>Am I in the wrong?
First, you both seem to be somewhat toxic. You’re not wrong alone.
You’re married yet you intentionally “brushed him off” when he attempted to spend quality time (your love language) with you by snuggling before he goes to work.
You’re married yet he decides to tell you that he may not go up north with you…. instead of discussing the issue, you just tell him “no one is making you go.” How in the hell does that exchange work in either of your favors?
I’d have left in a huff at either of the two situations you listed too. Why would he choose to spend time with you instead of video games when you choose to brush him off and tell him that you don’t care if he goes up north with you? Do you see how this isn’t a one sided failure in the relationship?
The two of you need to go to marriage counseling where you will learn proper communication skills (speaking to be understood and listening to understand). Then you will use those skills to work on the issues in your marriage at home or with the therapist as a mediator.
Regarding the Love Language books, people often quote books about love languages but they leave out the fact that those books not only teaches people to figure out their own love language but also to work with the love language of your partner, not just focus on your own.
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I brushed him off because I need a conversation, not for someone to pretend everything is okay. I’ve tried this method before and I just need to talk about what happened and what needs to happen moving forward. I’m upset.
If he decides to threaten the weekend, and I ask why? He’ll say “because of this attitude.” So, I’m choosing to let him decide.
How do you respond to a person who threatens the only leverage he has on you?
I’ve asked him to go to counseling because I do see an issue on both sides. I’ve been racking my brain trying to understand where the hell it all went off the path. He refuses. Now what? I can’t make him do anything, and it isn’t even the point.
Both of you are in the wrong – if you don’t BOTH make an effort, this can go bad quickly.
Here’s the thing – BOTH of you are responsible for the lack of intimacy. It’s not your responsibility to say yes every time if you don’t feel like it, but it’s also not his responsibility to be a perfect mind reader and get thing just right 100 percent of the time. Both expectations are unreasonable.
I recommend reading the famous 7 Principles to Making Marriage work for one reason here. In that books language, your husband made a ‘bid for connection’ that you ignored. Fine, it happens…but watch for it. That constant rejection of ‘bids’ is a huge marker for trouble. THAT’S what made him leave in a puff and then pull back from going to the cabin – also a bad move, but I can’t regurgitate a 300 page book here.
**Why does someone have to be wrong?**
Good relationships sometimes require a good bit of work, or revisiting the way you do things, of understanding that people change and of compromise… those books on love language always seem to miss that one too. The best way we say, “I love you” to a romantic partner is when we compromise so that both partners get joy out of the relationship.
You both need to stop, talk, listen to each other (see below) and then find a way for you to both be happy with the people that you are.
You aren’t wrong. He’s not wrong. You just need to change a little to accept the change that each of you (and every human) goes through over time. I suspect you two haven’t had a check-in talk in quite some time, if ever.
I’m not talking about a fight either. I mean a discussion. You go out to dinner and just ask each other what you would like to see improved. Don’t pull up examples of bad behavior, don’t read into thing. Sit. Ask. Listen. Want to be a better partner to each other.
Now on to that “listen” thing… you said, *”in my mind, it’s more like he pretends everything is okay.”* This is him losing before he even gets to try. If he does put forward some effort that you want, you don’t accept it. You don’t work with it… You say thing are dry, but your story is that he tried and you shot it down.
Let go of the bitter. Stop assuming he’s just in it for himself. Talk and listen to find out what he’s really thinking.
*”I’ve talked to this man on numerous occasions about how I feel.”*
Have you listened to how he really feels? Because your example is that he tried to be more intimate and it didn’t matter.
Hey, you may have deeper issues. You likely need to see a therapist to teach you how to listen and compromise, but try the dinner talk thing. Try to assume good intent. Try to get both of you working on the relationship.
I think you both could benefit from some marriage counselling. He obviously isn’t hearing you. But he might hear someone professional outside his relationship.
Yes, you’re in the wrong in this specific circumstance. You complain about lack of intimacy, then reject intimacy. If I were your husband I’d be throwing my hands up in exasperation.
Cuddling you is not “pretending everything is fine.” It’s an attempt to get close to you. Being physically close with my wife is my first instinct when we have a problem. Literally bridging the gap between us, reminding us both how much we love and want and need each other, and priming us both for whatever the next steps are to fix the problem together. Step one in that process is to get physically close, which is what you claim to want. Yet you reject his attempt. The fuck?
Of course I could be misreading the situation. I don’t know enough about you and your relationship to know for sure, but if your husband is like me, he was just trying to be close with you and go from there. He made an effort. You squashed it and definitely discouraged him from making an effort again.
READ YOUR OWN POSTS DUDE, YOUVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND LITERALLY SINCE THE SECOND YOUVE GOT MARRIED, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING OR GET A DIVORCE!!! I re read your account and you’ve been totally miserable in your marriage for literally over a year, and its YEAR 1!! You should do some serious re-evaluation about who you are with, I’m not saying he’s a bad guy but I am saying that you guys clearly don’t work amazing together and you should really try a counselor or splitting apart because clearly posting to Reddit is not doing it for you. I really hope it gets better but YOU NEED TO TAKE THE LEAD and if he says no to counseling/ working on it then you got to GO why would you want to stay with someone who knows there’s a problem and won’t fix it, that isn’t love 🙁
I totally get you. It’s okay to not be in the mood for intimacy and affection because of the lack of intimacy and affection. Some of the people here have clearly never been in a dead bedroom. You don’t have to do something just because. You’re allowed to say no because you’re not feeling it, you’re allowed to say no because you’re angry or not in the mood. Youre entitled to your own space. You guys really need to have a serious talk before these feelings turn into resentment.