My girlfriend (19f) and I have been dating for close to a year and a half now. We are each other’s first serious partners, as well as each other’s first sexual experience with someone else.
I’ve been raised a Christian, still practice (dunno how it’ll go down with this premarital business in the end) so at the beginning of our relationship I was adamant about staying a virgin until marriage. That lasted about 2 months before we started getting “handsy” with each other. So during the rest of that time up until now we’ve experimented and tested out everything. We both research how we can improve our sex life and tips for being better in bed and all of that. I feel that in the bedroom we both give each other ample effort with the goal of having the other partner feel as good as possible. It’s honestly the best first-time arrangement I could have ever hoped for. I love my partner and I feel they love me.
So that’s why I’m confused as to why tf my dick is broken. I can get it up and stay hard for hours. She cums multiple times (with the aid of a vibe) during sex. I have felt like I’m close before but I just can’t do it, and I’m afraid it’s going to screw up our sex life. I’ve never cum from a blow job or intercourse. At first I was just like “oh maybe I need more time.” The longest I’ve gone is 3 hours with no release.
Currently, it’s ruining the pleasure for me during sex. The first 20-30 minutes are great, sure. She gets off and it’s a really intimate thing. I love it when she gets off from me. And her body feels great to me. But then I can’t reciprocate and then the thoughts start creeping up on me: “so uh how much longer is this gonna take” “can you even finish?” “If you’re not enjoying it are they enjoying it?” “Is she still into it?” And that’s how it goes before I have to call it quits after probably an hour and a half of vigorously trying to get off.
I think there is some anxiety about my ability to perform now. I’ve also wondered if my religious beliefs are screwing me over in the bedroom. I’ve always been raised as a- “sex bad. You’ll burn in a fiery inferno” -type of kid. Sometimes the thoughts of what God thinks come into my head and that’s a real mindfuck for my euphoric state. Almost every time now I go in with the goal of orgasm in mind, and I get to focused on it. Sometimes I also feel like I’m focusing on my partner too much and don’t pay enough attention to how I feel. But my whole thought process behind that is “hey at least one of us is getting off.”
I’ve been participating in a certain community that abstains from jerking off (used to beat off multiple times a day, everyday of the week) for 9 days now, and honestly not much has changed (I expected my desensitized dick would take a hot minute to heal though). Sometimes when we have sex I just don’t get off from the day. Sometimes handjobs work but last night I was too anxious and already had messed up my mood and just called it a night. I think I’m gonna ask her to stop with hand stuff though so that I don’t start using her hand to beat my meat.
I’m just not really sure what to do. I know it’s not my partner, and that it’s something to do with me. Sometimes I think it’s mental, sometimes physical. Probably both. I don’t want to avoid sex at all. I love everything else about it with my partner. There’s a lot of anxiety right now as well with both of us getting ready for our first semester of college and preparing for a long distance relationship. My father has horrible anxiety, and so do a couple of my siblings, so maybe that’s my problem? I’ve never felt unable to go about my life because of feeling anxious though, I’m always the kid in the family trying out new stuff and activities.
If it’s a physical issue what can I do to fix it? How long until I can feel it better?
If it’s an issue with anxiety what should I do?
TL/DR: The title basically. “Can’t do it” mentality is making me dread intercourse with my partner.
Thank you in advance to any responders.
Edit: wanted to state that my partner has been very supportive, and we’ve discussed the problem. I have no issue communicating my concerns with her and I feel no pressure from her. All of my performance concerns are strictly from me.
2 comments
It’s probably largely a mental block. As a woman, it took me forever to get over being in my head about it and actually orgasm with a partner, but as a man you can’t even fake it! You’re not broken though, it just takes time. It sounds like you’re psyching yourself out. Try to think of sex as a general experience of mutual pleasure! It doesn’t matter if you cum, as long as you both have a good time. Once you stop focusing on orgasms as the end goal of sex, you’ll have a much easier time reaching them.
If religion is your problem then here is a tipp. In the old days when you had sex with a woman she was your wife in gods eyes. Marrying in front of a priest came later. So technically speaking you didn’t do anything wrong. I believe a man can do anything to his wife in bed according to the bible and vice versa. Nothing is forbidden if consent is involved.
If premarital sex was a reason to go to hell then 99% of us would be doomed. She is your girlfriend, wife, partner. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is you love her and you do intend on staying with her.