I met my friend two months ago at university when we were living in the dorms together. After our last exam, she asked for my number and I was happy to give it to her. Two months went by, until she finally texted me and asked me to hang out at the beginning of July. She invited me to her place. We hung out there a total of three times. Last weekend, she came over to my place (where I live with my parents). She looked at the book shelf in the basement.
She looked at an old book about Asperger’s that my mom had gotten after I was diagnosed at age 6 and pulled it from the shelf, and said “This looks interesting.”
I said “It’s my mom’s.”
She asked me “Do you think it would be okay if I borrowed it?”
I asked her “Why would you want to?”
She said “I was hoping it would help me understand you better.”
I don’t really like people knowing I was diagnosed with Asperger’s, so I said “Why would it? Stop touching my mom’s books, and let’s do something else.”
She said “Okay.” Then she went over and started asking about my Switch games.
Later, I had to go to the bathroom, so I went upstairs. When I came down two minutes later, I caught her looking at the Asperger’s book again.
I asked her in an annoyed tone “What are you doing?”
She said “Sorry, I was just curious about it.”
I told her “I’m never inviting you over here if you can’t keep your hands off my mom’s books.”
She said “I’m so sorry.”
I said “That’s two strikes. Three and you’re out.”
After that, she didn’t try anything again. But it left me wondering why she would act like that. Touching my mom’s things, making me feel embarrassed and weird when she saw the book and just assumed we had the book because of me, when I had given no indication that was the case. I just don’t think whether I have Asperger’s is anyone’s business unless I bring it up.
My level of comfort around her now has gone way down. She had previously given me the impression that she thought I was a normal guy, and that made me feel very good. Then she made it clear she didn’t. I mean, I can read between the lines well enough to tell that. I don’t know how I can be as comfortable around her again moving forward. I liked her and it makes me sad but I’m not even sure if I want to hang out with her again. Should I just calm down and forget it ever happened?
TL;DR! – She made me feel very self conscious and I’m not sure if I want to be around her anymore.
5 comments
I think your level of defensiveness about this may be too high.
It’s normal to check out the books on bookshelves at others’ homes when you visit. A little nosy, sure, but it’s like checking out the family photos on the wall – they can lead to small talk, shared interests, etc. It’s assumed that anything you don’t want guests to see is kept away.
Also, no offense friend, but it was probably very obvious to her you were on the spectrum well before this visit. Her wanting to know you better was a clear sign that she likes you and your company, and she wants you to be comfortable around her.
Telling her you’d never invite her over again, then the three strikes comment, seems to me to be very aggressive. Yes, she should have listened and not touched the books again. But her touching them again was a fairly minor rudeness, and you reacted with a LOT more rudeness to it.
She acted like that because A) it’s pretty normal to look at other people’s books and B) because she likes you and your company and she is curious about you and wanted to be a better friend.
She didn’t make you feel embarrassed. She would have no way of knowing that it embarrassed you like that. You focused in on your mother’s books, not on your reaction to her, so I’m sure she probably has no idea that you felt embarrassed and weird.
Bud, I can promise you. If she starts NOT treating you like a normal guy, it’s because you reacted weirdly aggressively, not because you’re neurodivergent. She knew that well before that afternoon.
You admittedly went a little Asperger’s on her. You say you don’t want people to know but she obviously does or can tell well enough that you might.
She specifically said she wanted to read it so she could understand you better as a person. People only commit to reading a whole book about a certain condition if they’re committed to being in your life.
Someone wanting a tool so they can easier connect with you and understand you is a huge compliment. She’s literally offering hours of her life just to improve even more how you connect.
As a nuerodivergent person, I can 100 percent say that friends can both understand our disorders AND still see us as normal. There’s nothing WRONG with us. This isn’t something shameful or something that makes us abnormal. The people that want to understand and learn about how our brains work differently from theirs are trying to meet us where we are. Those are the people worth keeping around.
This girl expressed an interest in knowing more. If you had said ‘I’m sorry I’m not comfortable talking about that’ she would have 100 percent not touched the book again.
And that’s your call and your boundary. But you gotta make it clear instead of just changing the subject.
You 100 percent over-reacted and got overly aggressive. Not only should you calm down, but you should apologize.
Graceful would’ve been if you would’ve said: “I’m sorry, i don’t loan out my parents’ books, but let me write down the title and publisher, perhaps you could get it online.” Or, since this is about an ever evolving subject, you could’ve said that this information is outdated now and it would be better to find a more recent book. Or: “I rather not discuss this book.”
Your friend knows there’s something you deal with. You say you feel offended that she touched things and made you feel weird, but your friend said she was trying to find ways to be more understanding to you. She was treating you in a way you liked til she looked at the book, but she probably knew before she came in your home that you were on the spectrum. She just doesn’t know where and how to make you more comfortable.
If you want to keep this friend: apologize for how mad you got. Explain that you find it hard to discuss your autism and how you would like her to talk about certain things in the future.
She was actually trying to do a nice thing here, not cos you are neurodivergent, but she likes you and wants to know you better including whatever you have going on. Cos it would be very very easy to go: ‘this guy is angry over things fast, i don’t want to deal with that, let’s move on’.
I would kill for someone to want to understand my autism. My parents wouldn’t even bother reading an article. I wish I had your friend.
I’m weird about my stuff being touched too, especially if specifically telling someone “no touchy”. And I wasn’t comfortable discussing my diagnosis until I was, so I empathize with you there.
But you want this friend around, really. If not, send them my way♥️