And everytime he talked me into staying, did good for a while and then went to his old ways.
We have a 3year and 1year old. I think im struggling with post partum (i have clearly stared that and asked him for help, no action). I told him yesterday that this time I just cant continue anymore, im in a bad place mentally, i cant continue to have my energy wasted on him and fighting and that i would like to discuss how i can prepare an apparment i just inherited and he promised to clean out.
He said fine, hire someone. Went to sleep, the next day showered me with messages of love and support from work how he loves me and we will figure it out. Once he was home we spent the day outside, he acted like nothing is wrong i kept telling him i dont like that. He told me we were going to talk tonight. He fell aslee with the child. Came back and i told him i wanted to talk, he said he needs to sleep. I cried, he came and wanted to hug me, i told him i need words not affection, he left to go to sleep.
I cant understand it, i am in a bad place, im so tired, i really comunicate well with him. He is trying, but once he gets mad or annoyed he is the meanest person ever. He ruined our holidays two times for us as well as ruined a work trip with his insanity. All of this in last two months.
Im struggling as I set up a social circle here where we live (and where hewill stay), the appartment i can move to is in terrible condition (and i plan to sell it and buy a smaller better one), i am afraid to be all alone (my mom died, father lives 1h away), i am terrified of my oldest taking this badly, i am just in tears all of the time.. he is not bad, he is trying, i just cant imagine living with him another 10 years. He is pessimistic, always annoyed, everything is a bother, i never feel good enough.
But he does clean, takes care of kids, spends time at home, doesnt criticise me, doesnt drink, doesnt have social media.
Its just that when he goes into his irrational state its like 2-3 hours or 2-3 days of mental abuse, irrationality, 0 compassion, just trying to get me to feel misserable. Then we talk and its fine, we discusse not to happen again and it happens again the next time..
Se have been together 10 years, engaged for 3 and 80% of the time I refuse to wear a ring.
About me: I do have a tedency to choose to to just flee in order to solve a problem. But i have put my soul into this relationship once we built a family, i tried a 100 different ways for us to cope with his issue and to in general be a happy family. It has been a few months of me just crying, feeling misserable, just needing and asking for help. I lost my libido and he resented me for it as he is almost addicted to sex, he never forced me he would just guilt trip me all the time ane resent me and go into his irrational state.. i did get it back after 9months of our son being born.
His irrational examples:
– i gave birth to my 1st child. He was tired. I came home from hospital after 2 days. Last thing at night i wanted to set up a changing table how they had it in the hospital (3min work) he would not let me, told me to go rest. I was setting it up telling him im fine just this one thing and i go to sleep. This ended in him watching me fall to the ground in pain and tears not being able to get up. And him opening and closing the door to scream at me.
– he told me babies dont need to go for walks
– after our son was born he wanted to isolate for a week after i came home from hospital due to fear of covid and leave me with both kids alone.
– on a business trip i had a 6hour insane task to also register my mom as dead in a foreign country. He was impatiene, he was rude, he was not just unhelpful but would harden the situation for me on purpose.
– at family vacation we fought for 3 days him just taking my oldest away from me and giving her icecream 2 times before lunch then getting mad at her that she told me. Then he thought it was funny to tell her they need to look for a new mommy and asked her to choose one. I told him that was hurtful and not to do it again. He told me it was a joke i didnt get. After 2 discussions he finally appologised.
Addition: i went to seaside for 2 weeks, each with another mom and her kids. To a camp (i am not used to), alone with two kids. And it opened my eyes that i need to find myself again, the joy, the ease of life, the everything is possible and lets enjoy it. I lost all that, everything is hard with him, a struggle… im just so tired.
Tl;dr: Unsure if I should stick to a relationship or pack and leave as I have been planing to on and off in the last 3 years.
4 comments
He sounds abusive.
Are you in therapy? Do you have a support system, like friends or family?
He’s abusive – get out already. Your kids may or may not understand – but what they certainly don’t need is abuse as their idea of a healthy relationship. Or their mom being stuck with someone that mistreats her.
Do what you have to – you’re not happy with him. You know he has a pattern of abuse, “i’ve changed – please stay with me”, and more abuse.
Look up cycle of abuse and the book “why does he do that?”
Do you want your kids growing up to think this is what a “normal“ relationship looks like. It is up to to teach then about safe and healthy relationships. You are not doing that. Leave and give them a chance to learn what love really is.