I met this woman on a dating app, about two weeks ago. In her profile, it literally says “Looking for a long term partner.” and “Please do not message me if you’re just looking for a Tinder hookup.” That’s all fine with me. I’m looking for long term too, NOT a hookup.
We chatted on the app for a few days, then via text for another few days. Nothing we talked about was remotely sexual. We then had a nice Thursday night date, dinner then drinks. We had just 3 drinks each, so not really drunk. She drove me back to my place. We made out for a minute in her car at the end of the night, she then asked, “Should we go up to your place?” I said I’d rather not do that tonight, but maybe next time. She pushed the issue saying, “Well we’d use protection.” I said “We’d use protection regardless.”
She was then clearly visibly disappointed, and said, “I can respect that.” I reminded her how her she mentioned she “Wasn’t looking for a Tinder hookup.” She said, “Well I’d like to think this wasn’t just gonna be a hookup.” Which left me confused.
Anyway, after I went inside alone and she drove home. About 30 mins later she said, “So tbh I’m a little unsure how to feel about the not wanting me to come up thing at the end of the night, but I will sleep on it. Either way, I really enjoyed getting to know you today.”
That kinda upset me. Since it not only flies in the face of everything she mentioned in her profile, and seemed to NOT want to do, but also imagine if the roles were reversed here, and it was a man telling a woman “”So tbh I’m a little unsure how to feel about the not wanting me to come up thing at the end of the night, but I will sleep on it.” Essentially pressuring her for sex on the first date, after meeting a mere 3-4 hours ago.
Like… what do I even say to that?
46 comments
Don’t worry about it. Stay confident. If she is playing games, just don’t play. It will work out or it won’t. You did nothing wrong there.
You’ve done nothing wrong. She’s probably assuming you’re a sex crazed male and that somehow she is less attractive to you than she originally thought, by the fact you didn’t go upstairs and rip her clothes off. Once she gets over herself, she will realize you’re just being judicious and she will probably appreciate it.
She’s used to getting the sausage on the first dinner date.
Evidence that people say one thing and do the exact opposite.
People can be confused. They sometimes don’t know what it is that they think they want, what they say they want, and what their bodies want.
While they think first date sex might be a sign of a casual or one-night relationship, they may also think that “we met; it was love at first sight; spent the night together and did it all night long; we lived happily ever after”. Logic doesn’t always play a part.
If you liked her, go at your pace, but let her know you’re not ambivalent.
Her ego got bruised. Don’t worry, you did nothing wrong
You don’t want to waste your energy with someone you’re not sure about and you’re not interested with sleeping with someone you don’t have clear feelings for. Also you believe in early exclusivity. You need to tell her that and move on if she doesn’t share your beliefs. Imagine sleeping with someone new at every first date, that would be exhausting emotionally speaking
To answer your question, I suggest something like this: ” I generally don’t sleep with people on the first date. I hope that’s not a problem for you as I enjoyed our time together and would really like to get to know you better. If it is a problem for you, I understand if you don’t want to see me again. Otherwise, would you like to go out again this weekend?”
She fucks everyone on the first date. Date someone else.
“Not looking for hook up” means they’re looking for a hook up 80% of the time…maybe even 95% lol I’ve found that the ones that say that are the ones that usually do on the first date. I think they use that to weed out all the extra weirdos. 🤷🏻♂️😂
I think her hypocrisy is a bit of a red flag🚩
You behaved like a king should behave, always defend your ground when you absolutely believe in it.
This is the sort of person who ends up with guys smashing and dashing.
And then sitting there with a shocked face the next day because they’ve been ghosted.. wondering why they can’t find any decent long term partners.
Delayed gratification is one of the rarest traits.
Okay I’m glad that you’re a man going through this because I’ve always wanted to understand why a girl that supposedly likes a guy makes it a point not to sleep with him on the first date. Could you explain to me why you did not sleep with her on the first date. The other thing is yes, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be considered a dog after saying what she said to you about not being sure how she felt and having to sleep it over.
I think she wasn’t looking for a hook up, I think she liked you and was happy to sleep with you already because she definitely believed you that you weren’t looking for a hook up either. I think she’s unsure how she feels about it because she thinks it means you don’t like her.
That said, that’s just the impression I got. Agree with other commenters saying you just put forward your view that you’d like to see her again (if you would) but that you prefer to spend more time with someone before sleeping together. If she responds with anything other than ‘ok I get that, that’s what we’ll do’, then she either doesn’t respect you or has issues around sex and her self worth – if that’s the case probably best move on.
ETA: Aw my first ever Reddit award! Thank you so much x
You good man, someone is just not used to rejection lmao :DDD
yeah, saying one thing and meant another, this is nothing new.
It happens more than you realize. I used to hear that a lot in my single years. “I don’t want to hook up on the first night,” but they would be the ones trying to initiate it. Honestly, I think her ego is bruised. If you were not comfortable, that’s fine. You did nothing wrong.
lets say its realy not her ego maybe thats her perspective:
she doesnt look for casual hookups with only that in mind like a ons. She does look for people she could imagine being long term with, and if she finds someone that seems a good long term partner then its not a problem to have sex on the first date since to her that doesnt change anything about getting in a serious relationnship. She just doesnt want to sleep with people on the first date knowing thats where it will end.
i think she can still be reasonalbe and have a good point here but she is incredible bad at explaining her standpoint because to her its obvious thats what she means
Hi there. This is what I’d advise you send to her:
“Thanks for the date. I’m sorry if your previous experiences caused you to be confused by my respectful stance towards you. Your profile clearly stated that you were not seeking a hookup, but your behavior on the date clearly indicated the opposite. Your mixed messages have led me to conclude that we are not compatible. I will not be pursuing another date, and will not engage in further communication with you beyond this message. I appreciate your understanding, and I wish you the very best.”
Walk away. 1 date and she is already showing her crazy
I wasn’t looking for a hook-up but i had sex with my fiancé on our first date…we felt a crazy attraction to each other so spent our first date talking for hours and then fucked.
As a woman, i can be looking for a serious relationship and *also* sleep with my potential partner on the first date, that’s not mutually exclusive. Not looking for a hook-up means that i still intend to take things further regardless of whether we had sex or not.
In your case i would try and talk to her and reassure that you’re still attracted to her and interested in dating (if you are), and just discuss the situation and see where both of you stand.
You said no. None of her business. If she doesn’t respect your wishes then better date someone who does.
Usually women can’t deal with sexual rejection
Don’t justify or explain. Her text message is a red flag.
You did nothing wrong. It’s okay to not want to sleep on the first date.
She’s just trying to deal with being rejected is all. She may not be used to being rejected when she’s offering sex. But it’s really really okay to not sleep with her.
You can just tell her that you also enjoyed getting to know her and would love to get to know her more before sleeping together. You’d rather wait because she’s worth waiting. <–basically show her you’re still interested in her, that is if you are planning on dating her.
Let her think about it all she wants and move onto the next, don’t waste your time on people who start with drama.
It could be that your date went really well, and she was captivated by you. She might have really thought that from your date that this could be long-term and was ready to give herself to you. The rejection definitely stung her, and guys get it all the time. Her last statement did seem to be like a guilt trip. Either move past it and ask for another date or let her know this isn’t going to work.
When her words don’t match her actions, that’s a bit of a red flag. I’d give her one more chance and if she proves to be inconsistent moving forwards, I would personally walk away from that. Could be she was really vibing with you, or it could be her playing games. I’ve met girls like this before that say they want a relationship but then text me with like 2 hours notice for what is basically a booty call lol. Just be honest with her, and if she gets it, she gets it
She’s 33yo not some confused teen.
Having sex with a stranger (she didn’t know you) is who she is. Don’t try to change her.
You decide ‘who’ you want to date.
If you’re looking for someone that associates sex with a real emotional connection -its clearly not her.
Remember, what women say they want and what they actually want can be two different things. Don’t pay that no never mind. But women absolutely hate sexual rejection so her ego is bruised.
BUT you played things well. YOU didn’t want sex so you retained frame and showed that you’re not thirsty. Well done. Question is of course, now what? This girl could have ghosted you. She didn’t. She reached out. IF you like her, reach out in a couple of days and ask for a date.
Most women get incredibly offended if they are turned down for sex. It’s just an interesting part of life.
I’d be put off by someone having three drinks, being ‘not really drunk’ but then driving.. but we’re all different I guess
Per my experience, the ones who claim to not want to do a hookup or one night stand are usually the ones most likely to do it. The reason they put it out there is because they feel a certain guilt of doing it so often and there is an internal struggle between how they are and how they want to be
She was imagining your relationship as one that would start really hot, explosive and unconditionally romantic.
The moment you rejected her, she got the impression, that you are cool, calculative and more transactional about it. Now she thinks, that the moment for her to get what she wants is gone and shes asking herself if her desire is wishful thinking or if there is still a chance to have that with another men.
She’s 33 years old. Consider this when you decide in which direction you want to develop your relationship.
Just move on, gut. She knows what you wanted and still shutting on it. Imagine if the roles were reversed? She’d lose her shit feeling pressured into sex.
Block her and move on.
Maybe don’t use tinder if you don’t want to hookup with people.
I think that she, like she said, judged you as more than a hook-up. She handled your response badly though and is probably a bit embarrassed.
If you both have another date, it’s best not to avoid this topic. I hope it all works out.
Welcome to tinder, where women get their egos stroked and don’t want to just hook up. Unless you’re attractive, then it all goes out the window
She’s not for you.
It’s clear you’re not into people who fuck on the first date and that’s clearly who she is. Drop her.
the same thing any woman would say to a man who acted like that
You did nothing wrong. Plenty of people think if you are not trying to hump them on the first date, you are not really into like them.
>but also imagine if the roles were reversed here, and it was a man telling a woman “”So tbh I’m a little unsure how to feel about the not wanting me to come up thing at the end of the night, but I will sleep on it.” Essentially pressuring her for sex on the first date, after meeting a mere 3-4 hours ago.
>Like… what do I even say to that?
You’re a thousand percent right. If the situation was switched you’d be ghosted i-fucking-meddiately for acting like that. She’s salty because she got rejected and isn’t used to it. Bit hypocritical tbh.
She sounds incredibly immature for 33. I think her text message is a red flag for sure. I wouldn’t pursue this if I were you!
At the end of the day she had 3 drinks, she may have been a little drunk. May have been the first time it’s happened to her. I’d be fine with it and judge it on how the second date goes
Tons of women that say no hookups on their profiles don’t really mean it.
I just came here to say it’s nice to see some respectful dudes out there on the market.
I’m sure she figured the onus was on her to initiate her comfort levels to you, and she decided y’all had a good enough time that this wouldn’t be a ONS. I absolutely believe her ego was a bit bruised when you turned her down. I agree with the comment that said to clarify the situation. If she jets, then you’ll know she wasn’t truthful, or if she stays, she respects the hell outta ya!