Any thoughts? I’m a middle-aged, divorced man, starting a new relationship with a similarly aged woman. I was married for 25 years and have two young adult children who are partly disabled (they walk and talk and bathroom themselves and otherwise lead independent lives, but have some difficulties in activities of daily living independently), and will be visiting/staying with me in my new townhome up to 1/3 of the time. She is never married/no kids, just fur babies.
We have been with each other for 4 months, are now physically intimate, and tell each other we love each other. She has not met my kids yet, but will be doing so shortly, in the next couple weeks.
She is now getting cold feet because she is used to not living with anyone else. And even though we live separately, and probably would not be planning on living together for a little while, she is already thinking that she wants to move in I guess sometime soon (she has an unusual leasing situation where she could be given 2 months vacating notice at anytime), and doesn’t want to live independently for a few more years until my kids grow a little older and perhaps develop a plan to live mostly independently.
Sadly, I don’t think this relationship is going to work out as she can really only visualize living with me, and it is becoming clear now that the thought of my children visiting and staying, even if only 1/3 of the time, and really only one of them as the other lives away at college, is intolerable to her.
It’s just so disappointing. Love should be able to rise above and work within this and come up with a creative solution so we can be together. But I just think she is so set in her ways and ideas that she would rather break up with me than try and make this work.
Just venting I guess. I can’t force her to become comfortable with the idea of my children. Maybe this is why not having children in middle age is a red flag for potential dating partners for divorcees with children.
How as an independent person can she make room for me in her life but not for my part-time visiting adult children? I just don’t get it. I really don’t.
Another shot at really good love ruined.
41 comments
Out of curiosity.
What specifically is making her uncomfortable?
If she doesn’t even like the idea of your *adult children* existing, despite the fact that they are adults who do not need another mother, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
She is rushing into moving in with you. You have been dating for FOUR MONTHS. There is a ton more that you both need to know about each other before making any type of commitment involving co-mingling residences or finances. She needs to slow her roll and get to know you better, though all seasons, through a variety of circumstances, before either of you decide whether this relationship is something you want to become serious.
Anyone who dates you will have to adjust to a different lifestyle with partly disabled adults who need some (vague) assistance. You’ve been raising your kids since they were born, and you’re used to it. But it’s a major change for most people. A lot of women in their 50s are dealing with sick family members of their own, particularly parents who are declining. A lot of women get burdened with a disproportionate share of caring for elderly family members. It’s possible that your GF is already stretched to her limit or sees this coming her way in the future.
If your kids have difficulty with living independently, then what are the kinds of things they need help with? Do you plan to continue to be the sole person in the home helping your kids, or do you expect your GF to help care for your kids? If so, what would her duties be?
I’d keep living separately until your kids are fully launched and out of the house.
I kind of get her point. Now don’t get upset, I’m just playing the devil’s advocate. She is 52 and probably had a very different view of what life would look like with a 54 year old man (ie no more kids to worry about, just the two of you, both unencumbered, free to travel, putting yourselves first, etc). It would be different if you had two adult kids who were completely independent and came over for dinner now and then. But, you’ve made it sound more like you have “partial custody” of your two kids who struggle and depend on you quite a bit. Has your relationship with your sons caused issues in the past ? (Just curious). And if their disability is emotional (not physical) that is often harder to acknowledge for some and may be viewed by her differently. Also, The fact that she has no kids of her own probably magnifies her emotions. So I do see your point. But, I also see hers. I’m sorry to say that you are likely correct and this will not work.
>she has an unusual leasing situation where she could be given 2 months vacating notice at anytime
This is a pretty common termination notice requirement when someone is on a month to month lease. A lot of renters prefer month to month because it also gives us the chance to terminate when we need.
Has she said she wants to end things? If not, I would actually give her a little bit more time. She kinda sounds like an anxious type, and might find she can understand your kids just fine once she actually meets them.
I appreciate that you’re hurt but your post and comments are sounding a touch petulant. You’re only 4 months into this relationship for starters, this is still the getting-to-know-you phase where you are trying to work out if you’re compatible. Honestly, you should know better at your age – its a bit of a teen/20s move to believe that a few months in, love should magically be enough to overcome every obstacle.
As we get older we understand more about what we want and need out of life to be content and physically and mentally healthy. Right now, she is building a fuller picture of what it would be like to live together (in fairness, her own judgement is way off here because its way too early to be actively discussing moving in), and she is recognising that your role as a carer would significantly impact her living situation. Having visitors for the wkend every couple of months is one thing. Having multiple adults in your home for a third of the time is a whole other ballgame. Of course you want a partner that accepts that situation, keep dating till you find the right fit. But don’t pretend that it’s a small ask and that there is no difference between someone having room for a partner and someone who is willing to accommodate multiple adults living part time with them.
I’m 60, no children, never wanted them, but I would NEVER expect a new man I’m dating to do anything different with his adult children. I’m the guest in THEIR home. And the fact that she is thinking about moving in with you soon??? Why are you planning anything with someone you’ve only known 4 months. Something stinks here. Date her, whatever, but no, you shouldn’t change a thing. And I wouldn’t let her move in until after at lest a year, and she changes her attitudes about your children. Her lease is her own problem.
Sorry, she’s not it. But there will be another. Perhaps really look for women with children who understand. This woman should, but doesn’t.
I’m 45F childfree and I would probably not be interested in that situation myself because I don’t want those types of responsibilities. I don’t necessarily think this has to do with love. She might just not want to assist with helping them at this point in her life. And what if your kids end up having kids of their own?
I wouldn’t exactly say that she doesn’t care for you. You do have to consider that there may be reasons that she decided not to have children of her own. Some people don’t want children. I get that yours are adults, but to some extent they need your care. Some women just aren’t made for motherly roles.
It’s unfortunate, but if she can’t accept your children, she’s probably not right for you. Your sons will always love you and need you.
It just sounds like you’re not compatible?
In theory that doesn’t mean you don’t love each other as individuals, but your lives aren’t going to work out in a way that you can be together and both be happy.
In reality if you’ve only known each other four months then I’d consider it a bit early to be talking about “love”.
I’m just gonna spitball here, and most likely it’ll be some unpopular opinions, but it’s from what I’ve seen, heard, and been told throughout my life. Which doesn’t necessarily mean I agree with them, nor that I think they are the right thing to do. Mostly I don’t agree with them, but I try to see it from their point of view.
While I was growing up, I heard constantly about how some people view disabled (and partially disabled) people, or those with illnesses and different diagnosis, mainly autism but that’s neither here nor there. This was also before I got my own diagnosis (ASD and ADHD). But I heard so many people, even parents of kids that had different disabilities say that they were “too much work, not worth it, making me hate my own kid, I wish I didn’t have them, I should just drop them at a home so I can be rid of them”. It was really heartbreaking to hear, even as a kid. My mom worked with kids that had disabilities (and mostly ASD in some form) since before I was even born, so I was around those kids a lot growing up.
I think that some people, especially those that don’t have that much knowledge about disabilities and such are reluctant to be around people that have a disability because they aren’t sure how to deal with it, and some just don’t want to have the responsibility of caring for them. Not sure if this is the case of your gf, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Some of my best friends changed how they viewed me after my diagnosis, and at that point we’d been friends for 10+ years.
I’m thinking that maybe the potential responsibility that would be expected of her to care for your kids is what is worrying her. While it does sound like they can do most things on their own, some people can be intimidated by that responsibility or the expectation. At least from my experiences. Moving in after just 4 months sound a bit too hasty for me, you’re still getting to know each other after all, but that could just be a personal opinion on my end.
I’ll go with my very standard recommendation. Sit her down and have a talk with her. If she can share what is bothering her about the situation, hopefully that is something that you can work out. If she can’t then it’s probably for the best to let her go.
It has only been 4 months. It’s nuts that she’s already talking about moving in, first off. Second, what does she expect? For you to kick the kids out and never let them visit?
Yeah, I would probably not want to live with this woman if I were you. She will be a nightmare.
You aren’t compatible. It’s way too soon to be talking about living together and you have a responsibility to your children.
Do not stay in a relationship with someone who would make things uncomfortable for your children. Don’t wait for her to change her mind, you already have all the information you need.
Imagine stating that someone doesnt/didnt really love you just because she has different preferences to what she feels comfortable with.
Some things arent just about adjusting, sometimes people are just different. It doesnt mean she doesnt truly love you.
Gonna be honest chief. I don’t think you are compatible but let’s not get it twisted. She has done exactly nothing wrong.
Tbh she’s not doing anything wrong. She’s in her mid 50s she wants a peaceful life, without young adults in the home. I don’t think that’s a terrible ask
Sir. You have been together for 120 days and you’re asking her to accept a situation you’ve had over 20 *years* to acclimate yourself to.
She’s had 52 years of having everything just the way she wants it because she has had no dependents. She cares about you enough to do something that might be very scary for her – move in with you. Did she initiate this conversation or did you? That’s important. If she did, perhaps she’s truly in love, or perhaps she thinks her home can be taken away at a moment’s notice and she’s finding herself a crash pad. But if you asked if she’d like to move in and she said yes, that’s a big step for someone who’s been on this earth for 5 decades without having to deal with anyone else’s bullshit!
She should be seeing a therapist to discuss a lot of this, and perhaps if you’re truly invested in making this work, go with her.
Many people would have a rough time getting used to living with someone, and adding two other someone’s to that mix who have needs beyond what she’s ever experienced … it’s a lot.
It’s not that she doesn’t love you enough to just do the thing, man. It’s that it’s jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
There are so many things you aren’t considering. Sure, you’re in your early 50s, but what if YOU become disabled? Then she has three men to take care of. Or … what if you kick the bucket? Then what? She may be overthinking a lot right now. You may be underthinking.
I don’t know this lady. I don’t know you. But either she’s looking for a nice place to stay because she knows her living situation is precarious (and she decorated your place, so… I hate to think the worst in someone, but she could be using you for convenience). OR she actually does like you. A lot. And all of the extra is a lot to swallow.
I don’t think she would adjust well to living with a family after living alone for many years. Especially since she already is uncomfortable with the idea of your kids. Four months is way too soon to move in together, even if you do think you love each other.
4 month old love is not is not 10+ year love, especially considering the wealth of life experience you both have.
Refusing to meet your children, adult or not, disabled or not, is a red flag for someone you want to see seriously.
If she isn’t ok with them now, she won’t be ok with them later. It isn’t your job to soften the blow of your children’s existence.
She should probably start seeing someone without kids who is prepared to provide her housing.
Her escalating your relationship for her own circumstances and being unwilling to accept your life in its totality is not fair to you.
These are your kids, they are part of the deal, your feelings are correct in if she can’t accept them then she isn’t loving and accepting you. Even for adult offspring living on their own they are still part of the parents life and always will be we don’t put aside our children just because they grew up and anyone coming into the family should know and accept that fact, and the fact they have some level of a disability means you are going to be more heavily involved in their lives making certain things are all right with them.
Some people just don’t work together even if they do love each other. It happens.
Where do your kids live the other 2/3 of the time? Is it going to be a 4 month chunk of every day or do they live with you a few days a week, always?
It’s only been 4 months . This is a honeymoon phase .
I’d tell her to slow down. I also wouldn’t make any decisions on the relationship til your kid visits. She might be acting this way but she could just be scared. Might be why she’s rushing. Mid life crisis and all that haha. But yeah, she might grow warm to the idea of them after meeting them. Sometimes people need to really experience something in order to understand and accept it. Like you said you’ve only been together four months. This is still new.
I’m going to give you insight into the START of my relationship with my husband..
When we met, I have 3 children, they are adults now, 29, 24 and 21, gone and been on their own and my husband has no children. When we met my oldest was 18 and lived always with me but my girls would bounce back and forth as their father was still alive.. My ex and I lived 2 1/2hr flight away and 16hr drive. My ex lived in our hometown, the girls were in a damn good private school so we decided ok, out of school, no matter if it was 2wks, they came to me, in school with him. My son’s father passed so he was always with me..
Met my now husband and he knew the situation and said let’s try it and see. My girls came down for 2wk break and I was with my husband for 5mths at that time. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!! When I say fun, that’s an understatement. My kids aren’t shy, they speak their minds because that is how we raised them. Silly jokes, let’s play prank on your brother, OMGOSH RUN HE’S COMING chased through the house. Girls went back and they couldn’t stop talking about how much fun they had with him and my son said, SEE, TOLD YOU GUYS HE’S REAL COOL. Married that next year and still absolutely happy..
You cannot know or make an honest decision unless she is around them and interacts AND THEN take it from there.. If she isn’t even WILLING to try once, there is your answer. She said she’s uncomfortable with the idea, so was my husband at that time because he has no children. If she isn’t even willing, tell her thank you for the fun we had but, I don’t want to waste your time or mine.
YOU have kids YOU are a parent YOU have loved and known YOUR kids for 20+ years.
On the other hand she has no kids and has no emotional connection at all to 2 young adults she has never even met..
you can’t judge her by your standards that’s extremely unfair since of course you would be happy with them staying with you, they are YOUR kids, they are still strangers to her at the moment.
You need to give her the chance to get to know them and build a friendship with them instead of just expecting her to have an instant magical connection to 2 strangers just because she loves their dad. Relationships need to be built over time they do just happen..
SHE is going to be hesitant if shes never been in a “meet the kids” situation before. Its a lot to get use to when you go from single to a couple then from a couple to couple with 2 adult kids with you, that’s normal FOR YOU it’s new to her so give her a chance to catch up…
At the moment she’s happy in the newly together and newly in love bubble and will be worried about how things will change.. Does she know much about your kids disabilities? She may be concerned about doing or saying something wrong..
As for her moving in after 4 months, is that just what you think she wants or is that what she said outright?
So I think you need to ease her in slowly and see how she reacts to different situations and in different environments for relatively short amounts of time at first. don’t just suddenly expect her to spend every single minute with you and the kids.
you need to find a balance of time with the kids and time with her alone…
Good luck..
And she’s obviously never had children. Or she would be thinking differently about your situation. Sadly, I don’t believe this relationship is going to work out. I would move on.
Well she can love but can be overwhelmed with the idea of having kids over due to her own fears… dosnt nesccesary have to do with you
Sadly it seems that you just want different things. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love or care about you, but your lives don’t match up. She doesn’t have children and having two adults in your home 1/3 of the time is a lot of time even if they were completely independent. No need to invest more time and energy into something when she has already been clear about how she feels about your children staying.
Take care of your children and enjoy your family. This isn’t the right woman for you. Hopefully the next one will be!
Its a packaged deal,your kids come first….just my opinion
Honestly, there are lots of potential issues in your post. Others in the comments have pointed them out.
I don’t think this is the one for you.
As a woman fairly close to your girlfriend’s age with no kids and never married, this is ALL a no. It’s just incompatibility. Four months in, she may get kicked out of her place and wants to move in with you. Red flag. We all go through tough times. However, four months in, and you’re her only source of stability and alternative housing. How long has she known she may get kicked out?
Not only that, partnership comes with the person and their baggage. You can’t take the person without the kids, the parents, or whatever else family and friends that may be around after half a century of life. That’s a ridiculous expectation to not have your kids around. Not even that from a previous comment, your kids aren’t even around very much.
My partner had 4 kids from a previous marriage. Three of them are adults, and one is a teen. I have been to birthdays, movie nights etc. with all of them. There is no need to parent(they are grown) just be accepting and kind. If a woman can’t do that for your children, she is NOT the one.
You aren’t compatible. Your disabled children are part of your life and need your support. It sounds like even if they weren’t staying with you regularly, they would need your support. She’s not interested in being with someone whose children live with them part time and will need ongoing support, and that’s okay.
You can like or love someone, and not be compatible with them. Love does not conquer all obstacles.
You’ve only been together for four months, and are having discussions about her moving in, which is really soon. Pump the brakes in future relationships. You barely know each other, and you’ve built this relationship up way more than you should have for someone you’ve been involved with for such a short time.
While I agree with most people here that she probably isn’t a good fit for your family, I would encourage you to rethink how you speak about your kids. They sound pretty independent if they are in college or even holding a part time job. The way you described them seems a little contradictory. The way you were talking about them at the beginning of your post would give most people the impression that they required a significant amount of care.
ETA: this might have predisposed her to think the situation is different than it actually is.
>Love should be able to rise above and work within this and come up with a creative solution so we can be together.
No, not really.
Love is an emotion, not compatibility. You can love someone more than anyone and anything else in the world, but there may still be some incompatibilities that cannot be worked through.
That is the reality of relationships.
Is it true that your gf may not be putting in the effort to come up with a compromise? Maybe.
Or maybe, as a woman in her 50s, she knows herself well enough to know that this is a non negotiable. And saying “well if you don’t change this fundamental, non negotiable part of you for me then you must not love me” is kind of toxic.
I have an adult son with autism. I am his legal guardian and he will never be fully independent. Through the years many of my relationships have ended for reasons related to my son. I don’t regret choosing him for a moment and I have been perfectly happy moving forward without those individuals in my life. This is a grown woman you barely know. Why would you feel responsible for her? She needs to take care of herself like the adult she is and if not giving her a free place to live is a dealbreaker, be grateful you dodged that bullet.
I think you need to look at what is truly important to you, which I hope are your kids. My concern would be has she ever been in a long-term relationship with someone where there was some involvement in sharing spaces? If not, I would be questioning her willingness and ability to compromise when it comes to living situations. You have been in a long-term relationship, and you need to consider what is important to you now. For me, I would like to take the time to truly build a relationship and grow it to the point that there is no uncertainty what the next step is. From my experience, rushed relationships don’t end well, I learned that lesson very much the hard way. He wanted to rush being together and getting married, where I was able to slow things somewhat down (thank goodness) I realized I really should have taken it much slower because I realized he wasn’t fully ready for a commitment because he had other dreams he wanted to achieve by himself, even though they could have been achieved together. He just felt like he had to prove himself to the world.
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it means she doesn’t want to live with your adult children, even part time. Love isn’t an eraser, or a magic key, or anything but a feeling. Its easy to love someone. Finding someone you love who is also *compatible with your happy life* is the tricky part, and that’s what is happening here.
In reading some comments you have made (just some, not all), it sounds like she might be a bit scared/unsure. I don’t think that you have to completely throw in the towel. She has never even met your kids so I think this may be a case of things being scarier or bigger in your mind than they really are. I have spent my entire adult life (over 20 years) working with disabled adults. I feel like making some small steps where she can spend some time with them, without living together, may remove some of that fear or uncertainty. She has overheard some conversations that maybe aren’t showing this in the best light. Maybe it will still turn out that it isn’t a good fit and you end it. But maybe it turns out great. She sees your sons for who they are and grows to care about them. Maybe it all works out, who knows.
Your kids come first. I’m sorry, but it sounds like she is rushing things with you, in part to get a more stable living situation. Your kids threw a wrench in those plans for her. I know it’s hard to find compatible partners in your 50s, but don’t compromise on your kids.
It’s fine if she doesn’t want to live with children, adult or otherwise, at all. That’s her choice. But then, she needs to be upfront about that from the beginning and only date men without kids, or whose kids only visit for the holidays and stay in a hotel or airbnb. Personally, that situation would be a red flag for me, but then again, I prioritize spending time with family.
I think you need to seek out partners who have more similar values. You may have hit the nail on the head when you said that people in their 50s without kids don’t often understand the needs of parents. It’s no guarantee that a single mom is going to share your values, but statistically, you might have a better shot at a genuine connection with a woman who has kids.
Not ruined yet. You said she hadn’t met your children. And even if she doesn’t want to accept your children would you want her in your life????
Wait until she meets them to assume it wouldn’t work out.