Hey everyone, just wanting to get something off my chest and potentially get some insight or words of advice.
My situation is that I’m (28F) in a friend group of about 6 girls, and my girlfriend (28F) is best friends with one of my friends, so she is often invited to social events. I am starting to get the impression from some of my friends that they are judging and being critical of some of my and my gf’s interactions.
The latest example that has really upset me and I’ve been obsessing over, happened at a dinner the other night. My girlfriend was explaining a story about her getting ready for the dinner we were at, and while telling the story, she jokingly said “so Jess was yelling at me to hurry up and get ready”. As a reflex, I immediately said in my defense “okay, I wasn’t yelling, just to clarify to everyone!”. One of my friends immediately shot a knowing glance to another friend across the table. It was quiet obvious to me that they had discussed something about this between them before. I then went to test the situation, and soon repeated “again, I want to clarify, I did not actually yell”. The friend who initially received that knowing look then had a cheeky smirk on her face and simply looked away from me.
Some context on this: With these 2 (close) friends,I have expressed the issue of my gf being constantly late and unable to get ready on time in the past, and they have also witnessed me be frustrated and get very annoyed at her while trying to get her to get ready faster so we won’t be late to things. I have been really honest with them and told them that it has even gotten to the stage where I’ve started to refuse to take my GF to work anymore because she is constantly making me late.
Seeing them pass judgment and give each other these looks immediately made me really paranoid, and extremely self conscious. My first thought was “they think I’m mean and harsh.”, but then when I thought about it further, I started to worry that they think we ‘fight’ or bicker too much in front of others.
Later that night, I explained the situation to my GF and her best friend. My GF wondered if it’s maybe HER that they have the issue with and/or if they think she is being unfair to me or something. I highly doubt that. My GF’s best friend suggested that maybe they do find our sometimes bickering in front of everyone to be ‘awkward’ and uncomfortable, and perhaps have gosspied about this in the past. I will admit there have been quite a few times we have bickered in front of these friends. I’ll also admit that mostly, this is started by me. This is something I really dislike and want to change, and I know now I have to try and refrain from this.
I was so close to messaging these 2 friends the next day and asking nicely what was going on, and for them to be honest. These are my very, very close friends, and they love me. These 2 friends are extremely close also and hang out all the time. I feared what they might say, because I knew they wouldn’t lie and try to cover it up, so I didn’t end up asking them.
My GF and I are in a bit of a unique situation here. Because we’re both girls, we socialize A LOT as a couple with this group, whereas we all barely see the other girl’s boyfriends, and barely see them as couples in social settings. Because of this, I feel like my relationship is an easy target of judgment, feels like it’s sometimes under the microscope, and it upsets me.
I guess I just wanted to vent because it has been getting me down very badly lately. Any words of insight or advice is appreciated.
TLDR: I’m sensing judgment from my best friends lately either about me, or my relationship, and it’s upsetting me a lot. Seeking advice.
3 comments
I think they just know you, they know you’re a very Type-A person and that’s a trait of yours they get some (benevolent) amusement from. I wouldn’t assume it’s malicious, you clearly analyse the shit out of things (from a fellow person who used to do this and had to work a LOT on it).
You’re absolutely overthinking, and ascribing malice where there may only be understanding between longterm friends.
The look was just as likely, if not more likely, to be about your GF being chronically late than about you telling.
And yes, a couple bickering in a group setting is awkward, or can be charming or even annoying. That is a thing you should try not today do… but these level of sensitivity is excessive.
You cannot share your own frustrations — like her being late — and bicker like that in front of them, and then be frustrated when people feel they have insight. Recognize you have helped to create this dynamic, and that you are probably misreading it and assuming there is way more negativity in it than there is.
You need to get your own brain in order. Your friends didn’t do anything to you.
Bickering in front of friends is a BIG no-no. You should never ever fight in front of friends, complain to your mutual friends about each other, or let on that there is any drama between you. It puts your mutual friends in an uncomfortable position, and guarantees people are going to talk shit. You are the one putting your relationship under the microscope by doing this.
That being said, the knowing glance could have been about your gf’s lateness.