I’m not sure if I worded the title correctly, but hear me out…
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, living together for over a year. From the start, he’s been suspicious and doesn’t seem to trust me. He goes through my Facebook pictures, questions every guy I’m with, and even tried accessing my hidden photos. I mentioned having a Twitter account but never shared my username. When I tweeted about moving, he created a new account just to reply, saying “without me? :(“. I confronted him about invading my privacy, and he stopped temporarily, but it started again after we moved in together.
It first began with him going through my phone in front of me – usually after he comes home from work – without asking me first. When I questioned him about it, he says he trusts me and was doing it “as a joke” to “get my reaction”. He told me he wouldn’t do it again, however, to this day I still see breadcrumbs of evidence that he still goes through my phone when I’m not around (some examples include my “recent history” appearing in my phone’s internet browser after I left the room, or new notifications not appearing when I pick up my phone, or message threads opened when I didn’t open them…). Other actions include him opening my packages without asking then asking about every item I’ve ordered; opening all of my drawers to see what I have in there; or asking if any guys have hit on me while I was out.
Now, here’s where the hypocrisy comes in. My boyfriend tends to be online a lot, and while online it seems like he’s trying to catch other women’s attention (to me). For example, he used to play a game called League of Legends a lot. Somehow, his gaming buddies were always women. And he would talk to them off the game and have personal conversations with them, sometimes until 12AM-3AM in the morning when I’m in bed. Last summer, I went on a solo trip, and came home to find out he downloaded an app to meet local gamers nearby. And the only people he matched with were women. Now I do not have a problem with him gaming with other women, but as I’ve told him, I only consider it a problem when they’re prioritized over me (which for over a year, they were).
He joined a new discord channel for adult gamers, and I realized that 90% of the time he only responds to other girl gamers. For example, let’s say someone wants to play Phasmophobia – if a guy suggests it, he doesn’t say anything. If a girl with a human profile picture suggests it, my boyfriend would respond to her and even say “I would download the game to play with you”. We both play Genshin, but instead of ever asking me to play with him, he’s in another girl’s DMs saying “‘I’m happy to play with you and do co-op later or anytime when you’re available”.
I would also like to add here – I have NEVER cheated in a relationship, and I’m always open with my boyfriend about guys who contact me. Whenever he goes through my phone, not once has he found me talking to another guy – the only “bad” thing he’s ever found was me talking to a friend about breaking up with him due to his lying and things not changing after communication. Also, there have been times where I would ask him if he would be okay if I did the things he did, and he would say “no, I would not be”, which I would follow up with “then why would you do that to me?”
My advice is, besides communication, what else can I do???? To me, this feels like projection. I’ve never went through his phone/stuff by the way.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, living together for over a year. He’s always been suspicious and doesn’t trust me, going through my phone and social media, questioning every guy in my pictures. I confronted him about invading my privacy, and he stopped temporarily but started again after we moved in together. He claims it’s a joke to get a reaction, but I’ve found evidence that he still does it secretly. The hypocrisy is that he interacts with other women online, DM’ing them. I’ve never cheated, but he doesn’t trust me. I need advice on what to do beyond just communication because this feels like projection. I’ve never invaded his privacy like he does to me.
4 comments
Sounds exactly like projection. He’s assuming you’re giving other males attention and affection because he gives other women attention and affection, but it’s only okay when HE does it it seems.
Honestly, does he have any redeeming qualities? If a man prioritized women online and discord kittens more than me for A YEAR, I’d bounce girly. You deserve better than this.
You know it’s a COMMON occurrence– so much so that it’s basically a trope at this point– that cheaters will often accuse their PARTNER of cheating, because they’re insecure and want to point suspicion away from themselves.
It’s not just coincidence or hypocrisy that he goes through your shit because he’s sure you’re hiding something. He is looking for evidence of the same kind of behavior that HE is exhibiting. HE is sneaking around, being dishonest, hiding shit from you. THAT is why he’s insecure about your activity.
Why on EARTH would you be with someone who doesn’t TRUST you and who you can’t trust to treat you like an adult? I would not tolerate someone going through my shit, opening my packages, accusing me of bad behavior. I’m worried this has been going on for so long that you think its normal and it’s deeply, DEEPLY not.
Do me a favor… no… two favors.
First, go look up “sunk cost fallacy” so that you can start ignoring how long you two have been together when it comes to decisions about whether or not you stay with him.
Then, go back and read your post but pretend it was a friend that posted it. What advice would you give them. Ask yourself why you’re not following the same advice yourself?
Most of us are going to say “it absolutely IS projection and he is, at a minimum, having emotional affairs”. We’re going to follow that up with “as soon as your lease it up, move on because you deserve better”.
“From the start, he’s been suspicious and doesn’t seem to trust me.”
And yet you stayed 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️