(rant)
I’ve been reading a lot, and answering a little, I think it’s time I posted an original. Much of my motivation is to not clutter someone else’s question with my musings. The questions we get here often are “What is “normal”. The defensive position is often, “I know this is average.” I’m here to to fight against both of these propositions.
Average is not, never has been, and never will be the goal. To phrase it mathematically the mean is not the mode. Typical is not popular.
Back when I did my psychology course (1985 ish) Counselors avoided the normal questions like the plague, because what is statistically the average has absolutely nothing to do with what will actually work in a specific marriage.
In your dating profile did you write about your Average weight, your Average height, your Average income? Do you see that from others? Did you stand up before God, family and friends and promise to love your spouse for about 7 years (the Average). No, all of that would be ridiculous.
So why on earth would you expect a specific person to be satisfied with an average effort? Would you expect your specific spouse to limit their expectation to an Average number of children? An Average frequency of partner dates? An Average involvement in hobbies or other friends? An Average sexual frequency ? An Average house, or income?
Remember that when you start throwing Averages around that Half of people get less. But, BUT! Half of people get more. Think about it.
1 comment
I think a lot of people ask about “average” because they feel they’re on the far end of the curve (either low or high) and want some kind of detail to “show” their partner that a change needs to happen.
You’re right though. The “average” should not be considered relevant because every relationship is different and every relationship has unique circumstances that affect the situations people find themselves in.
Does that mean we shouldn’t ask what others do in their relationships? I think that would depend on the question. Asking others how many times a week/month/year they and their partner are intimate is the wrong question. Asking, instead, “does anyone have tips for how to approach my partner about our level of intimacy?” is better. I think the framing of the question based on what the OP wants in an answer can make all the difference.