My wife was having a rough day and after we got the baby to bed I told her to go for a walk or a run (or anything she wants to do) while I take care of the chores (laundry, dishes, etc). She got really upset and said “don’t tell me what to do”. I told her I wasn’t telling her what to do, rather what not to do (chores). She started crying and stormed out of the house. The next day we talked about it and she insists that I was controlling her when I insist that I was trying to do a good thing. Am I in the wrong? Should I not have told her to go have fun? She says I should have asked her, but I know if I would have said “would you like me to do the dishes while you relax?” She would have said no.
I am at a loss.
21 comments
How far post-partum are you guys? I wouldn’t discount the situation, it does seem odd. Granted I wasn’t there to know for certain your side of things, but assuming you arent missing or leaving anything out, it appears that there was more there than meets the eye.
If you are only a few months post-partum, it sounds like post-partum hormone stuff. But you are probably going to need to talk about it some more to find out your wife’s take on it.
It is all in how you phrase it I guess, although she sounds like she is awful sensitive. You weren’t trying to control you were trying to help. Next time just say that you are pitching in on the chores and if she wants, she can go relax or do something fun.
Yeah, it’s the specific suggestion.
Ages ago, before we even had kids, my husband got mad at me because I said ‘I’d really appreciate it as an introvert if I could ask you to go outside and kick a ball around with the kids if I need some space to think’. He responded with ‘wtf, no you can’t ask me something like that!’
After some back&forth I found out that it was literally the ‘kick a ball around’ part that he disliked. I thought it was much friendlier than ‘every now and then I’ma need you to get the hell out of my space’ and of course I didn’t mean to imply that his only acceptable course of action was to play ball outside.
Chalk this one up to ‘people are weird and we’ll never really get each other fully.’
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My wife grew up overseas and immigrated to the US after we got married. I told her in the lovingest way possible that I appreciated that she was uprooting her life to be with me and that I wanted her to be able to live the life that she wanted. Therefore, I told that I would support her financially, emotionally, and every other way with whatever she decided to pursue in terms of career, whether it be to go to graduate school, get a job in whatever field, start a new business, or just stay at home. And, I told her that I really mean anything that she wanted to do with two exceptions: (1) going to medical school, which was a moot point anyway because she was an economics major in college and had no interest in science and (2) working at an investment bank, solely based on the fact that going to medical school would take too much time and working as a banker would not have a good work-life balance given that I was already working as a corporate lawyer. But, I emphasized that I would support her in every other endeavor. Rather than thanking me, she got very upset at me for limiting her choices. When I asked her if she wa actually interested in either going to medical school or working as a banker, she said that she was not but that was not the point.
20 years later, I still don’t understand. But, I guess I don’t need to understand. Yes it sucks that your gesture of kindness got shoved right back in your face. But, it also probably didn’t feel good for her when she was getting upset because it felt like you were trying to control her. I would tend to think that 99 out of 100 women would have appreciated your gesture, just like they would have appreciated mine. But, the point is that you are married to that 1 person who did not. Deal with it and learn from it. Adjust your speaking style to your wife, rather than forcing your wife to adjust to your speaking style. And if you need a shoulder to cry on, you always have reddit. š n
Sounds like she was mad that you told her rather than asked her. Sometimes this is a major distinction. āWould you like to go out for a walk or something while I take care of the dishes?ā Or āwhat could I do to help you right now?ā might have gone over better. Taking a load off her might have been your intention after a rough day, but it clearly didnāt come across that way.
This isnāt to say youāre in the wrong, or weāre doing something bad. When someone says exactly what theyāre upset about, believe them and talk about that. If you didnāt mean to be telling her what to do, say so, apologize for your wording, and tell her what you meant.
>I told her I wasn’t telling her what to do, rather what not to do (chores).
This is where you went wrong. If you said it as a joke, then it’s taking something she feels strongly about and trivializing it. If you said it seriously, then yeah, it’s easy to take it as controlling.
I get it. I’ve made the same mistake. And sometimes, my wife *does* angrily take on chores because of some weird martyrdom thing (although that’s 99% in the past).
But sometimes, after a hard day, people just want to *do the thing they know they can do.*
For myself, sometimes it is nice when my wife does the chores I was going to do because I’ve had a rough day. BUT – sometimes, when things just haven’t gone right, I want to just do something right. If my woodworking got messed up, I want to at least wash the dishes well. If I got frustrated with the boys, I at least want to do bedtime well.
Sometimes, I don’t really want a break – I want a chance to feel like I’ve redeemed part of the day by doing *something* well. My wife is like that too. And I’ll bet your wife is the same way.
It’s good to OFFER to do chores. But you need to get better at reading whether your wife really does want a break, or if she wants to feel like she’s doing something well and useful.
Sheās having a moment. I would ignore it and hope it passes and an apology is forthcoming. Address it if itās a pattern.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Iām sorry but your wife is being ridiculous. If thatās her idea of ācontrollingā, then Iād hate to hear the other stuff. When itās a lose lose situation tbh. She probably would have got mad at you for not helping with the chores anyway and she got mad for you helping her. Sheās just being ridiculous. Donāt think too much into it
She is ridiculous.
You did nothing wrong. Let’s be honest. If she said she didn’t want to do anything you would have been fine with it. You are not “controlling” her. You were doing a very sweet thing that she could not accept for some reason.
You’re married, so it’s damned if you do or don’t. Just the way it is, unfortunately.
Baby? Oh. Sheās still getting those hormones straightened out. A tad ridiculous maybe. But an under slept recovering person wants sleep. Not a good time. Hormones make you upset about the most ridiculous things. Which in itself is frustrating and embarrassing. Donāt dwell on it too much. Sheās telling you how she needs to be supported at least. Thatās definitely a big thing so donāt forget that part. Sounds like youāre really trying here, donāt take it personally. After I had my son I cried because he was gonna die an old man someday and I wouldnāt be there. Full on sobbing.
Donāt forget YOU KNOW HER. If she didnāt act like this before the baby then you know itās likely that.
Maybe she had planed her day/night (doing chores) and by telling her not to do them she had to rethink the whole thing and more mental load on the spot ?
Anyway I always think in this kinda situation it is best to wait until you are both feeling better to discuss how she would like you to help next time you see her having a hard day.
Hmmm my husband does this but he sometimes he does it out of annoyance that Iām upset. If you did it that way then I get her point.
Sometimes Iāll be on the verge of tears and heāll be like āGo take a walk, go drive or something.ā I actually need comfort but he will tell me to go somewhere and then when I get upset he always says he ādidnāt mean it.ā
Next time try to make suggestions rather than TELL HER to go. āWould you like to rest while I do the dishes ?ā āHow about we take a walk later?ā āWould you like me to make your fav dinner.ā
Does she always twist things up like this or is she acting differently post partum? But if you need to mix up the phrasing, do.
Telling someone to go run – kinda feels like you āshouldā like she needs too because sheās fat. Thatās not relaxing- she feels like your helping her because she didnāt do enough and now feels fat.
Sometimes the best thing, is to say, wanna sit together for awhile and catch up and cuddle? Then we both clean up before bed?
Just the act of suggesting togetherness vs. go leave when your exhausted is always a great suggestion.
Plus if sheās sleep deprived, just had the baby, or the baby was fussy and sheās way over stimulated.
Always offer a exhausted new mom, food. And cuddles.
Maybe the way you said it sounded like sarcasm, āhey way donāt you have FUN while I stay home and do all the chores!ā
OP, my wife and I have been married for over 41 years and have three grown thriving adult children. After each one of our children were born we faced new and different hurdles. Remember that her body has been nurturing a baby inside her and suddenly the baby is gone but the her body takes awhile to understand that. Unfortunately hormones and other things in her body suddenly overflow and that special woman that you love so much suddenly turns into a combination of Godzilla and the girl in the Exorcist movie who rotates her head all the way around and spits out green pea soup.
After our first child my wife woke me up and yelled at me because my stomach was making too much noise while I was sleeping. I got up, apologized, got up and told her I would go sleep on the couch so she get some much needed sleep. I was being kind and more then willing to accommodate her. As soon as I got the couch ready, she came out, laid down on the couch with me. She started crying and told me she was lonely in the bedroom by herself.
Iāve been told I breathe to loud (Iām not a mouth breather), the shampoo I used makes me smell like a skunk ( itās the same shampoo Iāve used for years), that I didnāt love her because I didnāt bring her a chocolate shake when I ran to the hardware store, etc.
We laugh at those things now especially since she wrote all the āterribleā things I did or didnāt do in each childās baby book.
My dad prepped me for everything by telling me to be flexible, understanding and to remember what she has gone through, what she is going through now and what she will be going through all because she allowed you to have sex with her.
It gets better, I promise. Just keep living her and showing her that you really care.
Good luck.
Yeah no defense for your wife. She needs to drop the attitude.